Confused love (story + guestion?)

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    Štěpán Pavlas

    Hi, I’m glad I decided to seek advice. English is not my main language, so I’m sorry. First I will tell you about my relationship and I apologize in advance for the length of the text but unfortunately, I do not know what to ask myself, so I will outline our story. I want you to give me some advice/hope/motivation or just something because I am kind of lost. Thx 🙂

    Here we go: I was only 13 years old and I met an amazing group of people at a summer camp. But I also (maybe) experienced such boyish love (now I know it was not love). So when the camp was over, I wrote a girl from that camp. She told me she wouldn’t mind a relationship with me. But we both had a lot of activities outside of school, so we only saw each other on her birthday. Time went on and we never met. I think the relationship just faded. But this summer 2019 we both met again at the same camp as two years ago. We talked a lot, she started to trust me, so she wanted to tell me about her life because she had a pretty hard life. From that moment on, I began to sympathize with her, and all the more I enjoyed our moments when we laughed together (and there were a lot!).

    The camp was over and when I was home I texted her. We wrote about the experiences of the camp, and I gradually began to realize how I missed her. I told her about it and she told me that she felt the same way. I began to wonder what it was, and we both agreed that it was probably love. We really discussed it too much. But one thing we were sure of was that we both missed each other so much. Unfortunately, she went to England for two years of study about a month after the summer holidays. Before she left, we saw each other twice to say goodbye. The whole separation was terribly emotional. Time went on and she was supposed to come back for about a week after two months. But when our meeting was approaching, something was happening. We both felt a gap between us, but she wrote to me that the relationship wasn’t worth it, that she didn’t want to go on like that. It hurt me, but I still didn’t know what was behind it.

    About a month ago she wrote to me that she had to talk to me about something. I guess I asked a lot, so she wrote it over the message. She said she was so sorry, but our breakup was due to the fact that she liked someone. But then she changed her mind and was very sorry that she had to end our relationship like that.

    I forgave her because before we entered this relationship, we said what could happen. And the option that we could like someone else was there too. But the fact that she was not honest with me hurts me a lot.

    A few days after she wrote this to me, she came back and we met. I went there to see what I felt about her. I found that I still love her. I was glad because she showed me that I can still laugh (I have psychological problems lately, but that’s another story).

    Today I’m kind of confused about it because she has so much to do now. I quote:,, … and to deal with what I have with whom and how it works and so, is just something for which I do not have time, and especially it now seems unnecessary, because it seems to me that nothing in my life is stable … and clinging to something that can change at any time now seems to me … I just don’t know. It’s just too much now. ”

    To sum up, she has a lot of school stuff (since her class was the smartest class in the world, which I don’t know is just amazing), plus she has physical problems for many years, so it’s obvious that it is not mentally easy either.

    So, she has her problems, we can see each other every two months, and I have my problems. We can adapt to this, but I am generally confused. I feel lonely, and as I said, we feel the gap between us. When we met I once said:,, It is so sad that we have so much to say to each other, but there is just no time for that. ” And by that, I have not meant the exact day, but in general. Because her life is filled with so many things she wants me to hear, but just there is not a single right time for that. In a year and a half, we’ll be able to see each other normally, but for me, it’s like waiting for a bus I just missed…


    Dear Stepan Pavias:

    Did I understand correctly: you are now 15 years old?

    What you said to her here: “It is so sad that we have so much to say to each other, but there is just no time for that”- is very profound. The two of you had such a connection that you wanted to say so much to her, not to just anyone,  but to her personally, because she listened to you in a special way, perhaps, because you felt so close to  her.

    A special meeting of the minds and hearts is a very special experience, and reads tome that this is what the two of you shared. But because the two of you met so rarely, there is so much time in between meetings that each one of you needs more than the memories of the last time and the hopes for the next time.

    “I have psychological problems lately, but that’s another story”- will you tell this other story?


    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.
    Štěpán Pavlas

    First of all, thank you kindly for your response. I did not expect interest from anyone.

    Yes, I’m 15 years old now. And I have long understood that this age is seen as childhood as we know it. But (and I am trying to say it without arrogance, naivety, superficiality) I am interested in these issues of life much earlier than my surroundings. If you had a chance to get to know me, you might say that I’m about 20 years old. And that is probably my psychological problem, that I do not know who I am, where I am going and so on. because in my whole short and inexperienced life I have no idea what I want.

    The story isn’t anyhow interesting. But you asked for it: So I would start by saying that my zodiac sign is Aries. Believe it or not but it really sums up my characteristics:

    Strengths: Courageous, determined, confident, enthusiastic, optimistic, honest, passionate

    Weaknesses: Impatient, moody, short-tempered, impulsive, aggressive

    Aries likes: Comfortable clothes, taking on leadership roles, physical challenges, individual sports

    Aries dislikes: Inactivity, delays, work that does not use one’s talents

    that sums up who I am. You can see when I am ok, I am optimistic, passionate, confident, and so on. But when things go down the hill (I will explain furthermore), I can be impatient, impulsive, and feel bad for doing nothing (even though when I deserve it). I never liked school on some kind of regular basis. ‘work that does not use one’s talents’ explains it perfectly, because in school you are taught that lava is called magma when underground, but no one tells you how to manage life, how to get to know yourself, etc. I understand that we have parents for that (or even grandparents) or it is up to us to form our own beliefs (which I am ok with because the life really is about CREATING a meaning/purpose and not just accepting it from someone else), but the school hardly ever develops an individual’s potential (if you aren’t on specialized school with some sort of focus). And for me, here I am in 10th grade and wondering about the meaning of life. I wish I could be an innocent child at least for a moment.  I don’t want to grow up, wondering where to go. But that just is how my life goes. I have never had any dreams. I never knew what job I would like to have. I never know what I want to study. I do athletics from the first grade of school, so now it is 10 years already. I also have scoliosis (curvature of the spine), so it surely helped with my health problems. I go to races, for example, I was at the Youth  Olympics 2017 where we won silver at the 4x60m relay and so on. I have medals, but when I look back I never really enjoyed running. I tried other disciplines, but the sprint suited my body the most. I had times when I really was good at it. I rode the championships in my country, but I saw the gap between wanting and realization of success. I had so so so many falls. I wanted to end it so many times. But here I am still doing the same because I WANT to, not have to! This is something that I realized thankfully this early in life. When you break it apart every decision is ‘i want to’ or ‘i don’t want to’. Because the action that we do is only that. Nothing else.

    So this was my system for so many years. School, trainings, and relax at home. Again and again. But in the last 2 years I started asking. I started observing. I started seeking the true meaning behind this. I asked myself who I am and where I am going… But I haven’t found answers. I only deepened the uncertainty. I have learned so much from those years. But I still think and think. I smile, I cry, I feel everything and I feel nothing. My life is now like a rollercoaster. Ups and downs. And in the last months, something started to happen. Before Christmas, I began to fall into the abyss of my head. It got worse over the Christmas. After new year, we signed me up to a psychologist. I have been there 4 times. She is really good psychologist, but my thinking is just on a deeper level than just the ordinary depression. We are still investigating what is the cause. But I dont know. I just feel numb, sad and confused. I have good days when I feel that I am going to change from the day on. But the other day is just worse because the depression slaps you back into reality. It is like a spiral.

    Just adding more info for the relationship —> (I totally understand that one should not stick to the past and move on. I also understand that this is the first love feeling, but in my life there really haven’t been anyone who I want to be with so much as this. But I have to accept that time flows, we aren’t here forever. And we just can’t spend it waiting for someone with the chance of it not even coming true.

    One thing I want to highlight is that she wants me, I miss her too, she likes me, but this gap between us is just too big for us to be one hundred percent sure. The point is that since the last time we were together, it was about half a year. She is the kind of person who thinks about things unhealthily, so I think it took her a long time to take courage and tell me because I believe it hurt. So that are those couple of months when nothing happened. So now we have seen each other and we plan to meet again in a month, but I’m really drowning in such feelings of uncertainty and confusion because you love someone, but you just can’t be together and you don’t know how it will turn out.)

    This was really long. If you want some more info, just ask. I will happily respond. Thank you once again. Hope you have a good day ! 🙂

    Štěpán Pavlas

    I am sorry if I am not formal, but I feel like that we all should be kind to others. Of course be polite, but I want this ‘conversation’ to feel natural, just as if I would talk to you.

    I will add more info, because it all plays a role, in what we are now. That is also one of my thoughts about the present. So the meaning of life is to live in the present. Because there isn’t anything else. There only is the present which we live in. The past is what we want to remember, and also what reminds itself. The future is ONLY our imagination, faith that things will be as they were and our wanting. We imagine how the afternoon will look like, we believe that the Sun will rise again and for example we want to be someone in the future. But the present remains because there is nothing else.

    Which is really weird. How are we supposed to thrive if the only time to do so is now? I can’t be all at the same time. But this is totally philosophical. Which is how I think most of the time. I am realist, pessimist, and optimist. It depends on how I feel to be in the moment.

    Also, I should say that I have what I need. I am not spoilt. I am grateful for what I have. I have home, family, education, electricity, water, heat and light, food, clothes, ways of transport, time, my own mind, healthy body, chance to live, but we forget these things. We take it for granted, but we should at least try to be thankful.

    It is kind of ironic that when you start to be grateful, I have the feeling of actually having nothing. Like nothing is really mine. We are just a motion of the universe’s dance.

    We … just … are.


    Dear Stepan Pavias:

    I don’t have much time today to attentively read and respond to what you shared. I will be back to your thread tomorrow and reply to you then (in about 22 hours from now).



    Dear Stepan Pavias:

    You are a very intelligent teenager whose intelligence is occupied in overthinking and underliving life, which is very common. Overthinking is wasted intelligence.

    We are human animals, driven by emotions. We are not robots driven by thoughts. So  no matter how fancy your thoughts, you will be stuck in life unless you get to know your heart aka your emotions.

    Imagine an elevator that could be going up and down your body, but instead, it is stuck in your head where you reside, thinking and thinking. If you could get the elevator unstuck, you can go down to your heart and reside there for a while.

    Our thinking is supposed to help us live, it is not supposed to be a substitute for living. And living cannot be done without access to our hearts.

    “in school you are taught that lava is called magma when underground, but no one tells you how to manage life, how to get to know yourself”- got to get to know your heart.

    Not that you are not emotional, of course you are emotional and sometimes you do live life, as in when you are “optimistic, passionate, confident, and so on”.

    “But when things go down the hill”- don’t abandon your heart, taking the elevator to your head and getting stuck there, overthinking.

    I was wondering regarding your scoliosis, it can be mild or severe, I am assuming your case is mild, so you are capable of running and running fast. What are your individual health problems related to your scoliosis?



    Štěpán Pavlas

    I am speechless because I really appreciate what you do. Thank you for being here for me, because I’ve been feeling really terrible myself lately. I am an introverted extrovert, so I have no problem talking to people, but I prefer to be alone. But lately, there is enough of that feeling and I really feel the need to belong to someone. I do not mean materially, but rather open to someone and be accepted. It really means a lot to me. Thank you <3
    So I want to make one little adjustment. My depression is not mostly about deep thoughts. I spend more time with melancholy watching what is happening to me. I’m empty. It’s like I’m missing something. Maybe I lost something. Maybe there was a mistake, or I’ve always been like this before. And I know this is just exactly what overthinking is. But I am more describing the feeling that I have other than saying that this is how it is. I just feel sad as if you were looking at pictures of your dead children. So it’s more about the emotions. Sometimes I am really happy (I feel enlightened), thinking that from this day on I will behave differently, think differently, etc. but as I wrote, depression will slap you back into reality. So I have good days, but it’s such a rule that bad days follow.
    It’s really like living in a body trying to survive, but with a mind that wants to die. Unfortunately, depression will give you only two options. Either you are dying trying, or trying dying. You just have to fight, fight and fight again, or you can give up and just want to die. It’s really not easy. Imagine that you have to convince someone that they don’t have depression. But it is you who have it, so you have to persuade yourself to do something about it, but it prevents you from doing so. Of course, it is important to admit that something is wrong with me. And you can’t just play that you don’t have depression. You can’t ignore it. We can suppress it, but that’s only for a short time.
    I’ve read lots of articles, tips and books, I’ve seen lectures, conferences, dialogues, I’ve heard podcasts and advice on how to be happy, how to value things, how to better control your emotions, how to cope with the depression, and so on and so on. But honestly, let’s say it’s all about experience. Yes, we can be inspired by this, take something from it, learn something, and possibly follow it for some time. But nothing compares to going through something. I know that by this I actually responded to myself on how to solve my depression. This should give me hope. But it doesn’t. You no longer have such good sense. You no longer have energy. You’re just tired of trying. You’d rather just kill yourself (and I’m really sorry if it’s uncomfortable to read about it), and don’t have to deal with anything. You want to stop the pain. But you won’t leave because you don’t want to hurt your family. You feel trapped, you don’t think you belong to this world, you are not worthy. You think nobody would miss you at all. Actually, it will become your only way out. Because nothing makes you happy anymore.
    So you can probably imagine that it is more about emotions.

    I have mild scoliosis. At first, I had badly turned feet (inward), so it was the first sign that something was wrong. Actually, at the Youth Olympics, I moved my back somehow. I didn’t do anything about it because I thought it would pass. But it didn’t go away. It was still there, but I could do sports with it so I was still hoping it would pass. But then one day at the training it got worse. I couldn’t even walk. The back pain was also linked to my legs, so when I pulled the hamstring, I got acute pain. So I started going to rehabilitation. Where they actually found my scoliosis. I did different exercises. Breathing, ballooning, stretching, strengthening different parts and so on. So it helped, but it came back later, and that was a problem. I had to go to some magnetic treatment, with electric shocks (which weren’t big, it was more of an electric current to release the muscles). Which didn’t help at all. So I was still going to rehabilitation. I was practicing at home. And in fact we somehow found out that I had a shorter leg. About 2 centimeters shorter left leg. It’s probably because of the deflection of the pelvis, but it doesn’t deny that it’s not there. So we got orthopedic insoles on the shoes to compensate for the difference. I just got them in my new shoes. And I have to admit that you get used to it. But outside my back, I also had a groin problem. So I am generally as crippled. But I don’t complain. Of course, it is a nuisance, and especially in the sport. But it would be selfish to throw it at others that they have it easier. Right now I have nothing with my back. I think I have developed a solid foundation by fighting against the body. But hey, Usain Bolt also has a shorter leg. 😀
    So roughly like this. I really appreciate your answers, and I’d like to continue. Thank you very much once again!

    PS: If you are wondering why am I posting this at these weird times (like 3 am), it is because I live in Czech Republic.


    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    I will be able to read and reply to you in a few hours, or less.



    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    You are very welcome. I don’t think I ever communicated with a member from the Czech Republic, exciting for me.

    You sure display a positive attitude about your scoliosis, and that’s quite admirable.

    Regarding your depression, will you tell me next about your history with your mother, with your father, and your current relationships with them?

    I ask because I believe that most of us are not born depressed, or not born destined to be depressed. I believe that our early childhood experience (first decade of life or so) is very powerful in bringing about anxiety and depression. From my personal experience, having been diagnosed with major depression, depression is the result of the brain/ body being too anxious for too long and then exhausted, it collapses into what you described as “melancholy.. empty.. missing something.. lost something.. a body trying to survive, but the mind with the mind that wants to die”.

    Every once in a while life returns to the mind, but so does anxiety, and too soon anxiety robs us from that life and we return to that feeling of death: “Sometimes I am really happy.. but .. depression will slap you back to reality”.


    Štěpán Pavlas

    Hello Anita,
    I read your answer a few hours after you sent it, but I didn’t have a chance to write it off at all. I was kind of absorbed and I couldn’t even think about it. So I’m sorry for the delay.
    So, I don’t really know what to say about my parents.

    My parents raised me well. There was no violence. Generally, we don’t talk much together. Of course, I like them and they like me too, but it could be better. I don’t feel that bond like I love them. Of course, if something was going on I would be worried about them, and so on, but when we all live our lives, and we don’t spend much time together, I don’t have some sort of deep relationship with them. Maybe it’s just in my head, maybe I don’t want to talk to them. It’s not that we don’t do anything together. Sometimes we go to restaurants, sometimes we play a board game, we watch a movie at home, but whatever I try, I don’t always want to do it. It’s really hard to talk about this objectively, and I don’t even know what to say subjectively. I never cared much about it. I know they won’t be here forever, and it would be good to try to get along with them more, just maybe in the future, for now, I’d rather be alone. I don’t feel around them like I have that emotional support. For example, with my ” girlfriend ” I mentioned earlier, I feel more understood and safe. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a good son.
    So if I can summarize it, we get along, but it’s not exactly that. Of course, I’m aware that I’m actually lucky for what I have. There are children who are, for example, in divorced families or are beaten at home.
    I understand that we aren’t born depressed. I know the power of childhood experience (i have read a very interesting book named: Emotional intelligence by Daniel Goleman). But if your question was ‘could your depression be caused by the family?’ my answer is: probably not.


    Dear Stepan Palvas:

    First I will quote you, then I will offer you my thoughts:

    “I am grateful for what I have. I have home, family, education, electricity, water, heat and light, food, clothes… I have the feeling of actually having nothing…. I really feel the need to belong to someone. I do not mean materially, but rather open to someone and be accepted. It really means a lot to me.. I’m empty. It’s like I’m missing something. Maybe I lost something… I don’t feel that bond like I love them. I don’t have some sort of deep relationship with them.. I’d rather be alone. I don’t feel around them like I have that emotional support. For example, with my ‘girlfriend’ I mentioned earlier, I feel more understood and safe”.

    About the girl: “she started to trust me, so she wanted to tell me about her life.. I began to sympathize with her, and all the more I enjoyed our moments when we laughed together.. I missed her.. she felt the same way.. she showed me that I can still laugh”.

    My thoughts: sometimes the line from a song explains it all: “All you need is love”. Somehow, somewhere along the way, there was no more love happening between you and your parents. You then experienced some love with the girl. Last time you saw her was about six months ago. A few months after you last saw her, you experienced depression.

    This is the love that you don’t have in your life, based on the quotes above: your parents sharing with you about how they feel, being open with you;  you sharing with them about how you feel, being open with them, they understand you and accept you for how you feel; you feel safe that they understand you, you find out that they feel some of the same feelings that you do, there is a feeling sympathy for each other, and an experience of  laughter when you spend time together, enjoying each other’s company, experiencing a deep emotional bond, an emotional safety,  feeling accepted, and feeling of belonging together.

    “I have the feeling of actually having nothing.. I’m empty”- this is a testimony of how real our need for love (love as in the deep, meaningful emotional exchange detailed in the paragraph above). All  material goods, all the books in the world, all the thoughts that cross our minds, none of these fills our inborn and lifetime need for love.




    Štěpán Pavlas

    ,, All you need is love! *tum-tu-du-du-dum*… ”

    That made me smile, but it also struck me how true it is. All I need is love.  Yeah, it makes sense.  It makes me kind of sad, because now when I understand it a little more, I feel like being pushed into something. Right now it is really hard to love someone, and I understand that it is hard for someone to love me back. But how do you bring more love into the living, with what is going on right now? I never experienced true love until we found ourselves that we have something special with each other. Right now it is hard to even love myself, apart from loving everything else.

    But I am happy how the title of the topic turned out to mean exactly what is going on (apart from the relationship). 🙂

    I understand that you probably do not have anything else to add to this topic, but I still feel that it is not all. Maybe you have to remind me something important, that I need to hear, or that I probably missed from our discussion. I really feel that I probably still haven’t learned what I have to do. I know that I should probably bring more love into my life, or let others bring more love into my life. But I am still kind of confused. I don’t know. I really don’t know what to ask from this point.

    But after all, thank you for what you have done for me. I truly appreciate it from the hearth. (I know that we deserve love when we need it the most, but still, you didn’t have to answer me.)

    So yeah, if you want to say something for the end of this (right now I am having trouble embedding this thought into English), it is probably the best time to do so, because I really do not feel like I have something to say. If you would like to ask me something more, I will answer, but this is probably the end. (Slightly opened end).

    Thank you once again. 🙂


    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    “this is probably the end” only if you want it to end. I’ve been communicating with members here for years, so as far as I am concerned, and because you are such an intelligent, well-read and interesting young person, I am willing to keep communicating with you on and on.

    About loving oneself (“Right now it is hard to even love myself”)- it is possible to come to a place of peace, peace-of-mind, contentment with who you are, but love as in that meaningful emotional exchange you and I mentioned, that can’t be done with the self, there has to be another person involved. It is so because we are social animals, we are built with the motivation to connect to another person, and exchange emotions and behaviors with another person.

    Therefore, the one and only way to experience love is by having a person outside of ourselves involved in our life, in a deep connection/ meaningful emotional exchanging way.

    It is similar to this: you can’t be an employee unless you get an employer to hire you, got to have another person involved.

    This girl, she is not the one and only possible person to love-and- be loved by, is she?


    Štěpán Pavlas

    No, I do not want to end anything.

    One thing is not clear to me, what is a well-read person? Like I write something and you like to read it? (But hey, thank you.)

    It is kind of funny how I use this kind of slang (but I just feel like doing so, so you can’t stop me! 😀 )

    Well, right now I feel like a kid, but that is actually something I mentioned that I would like to be for a moment! Wow! That is … nice. I don’t know, it just feels great to feel kind of free, to write whatever you want, and not care what others think. 🙂

    So… I am probably going to write like a kid. Because I feel great doing so.

    I am also happy to meet you, and I am also willing to keep communicating with you. Maybe if I come up with some interesting ideas or thoughts. Well speaking of that, I had very interesting thoughts, but I never wrote them anywhere. But maybe if I remember something, or come up with something new, I will create a post. So you can meet me there, maybe. Or if I will have more problems. Who knows. Time will show.

    Speaking of loving oneself, I have these times. But it is super rare. Right now it is not like I hate myself, but I don’t really feel that I love myself either. So I am kind of wandering between it.

    I love love. And by that, I mean that love is understanding. And by saying ,,I love love” I am saying that I understand love because I already understand understanding (wow, who would have thought…). Well, this is messy, but I think you know what I mean. You have to love me in that. 😀

    So by loving love, I love that one person cannot love without something else being there (to be specific: a person). Now when I think about it, we can not live without love.  Love is a fundamental part of the creation of oneself. You and I would not exist, If our parents, our grandparents, our ancestors did not love. Where would we have been without it? Who knows. We cannot understand it, because it is not love. But … why do we even say that we do not understand love. We say that love is complicated, hard, weird, bad, and so on. But for the understanding of what love is, we need to love the love. WHAT am I even saying at this point? Did I go insane? … I don’t know, I just feel like I had to say this.

    I know that in my life there will be another person, to love and be loved by, but I really have to say that from what I have experienced, I can not assign that feeling to anything else, or anyone else. I know I am just 15 years old (almost 16, hurray … :/ ), and I still have a life ahead of me, but if I can be honest, I am scared of the future. I do not know If I will make it that far. I can be proud I didn’t kill myself last week. … I don’t know what I am saying. Sometimes I just think these thoughts and right now I think it is the exact time to share it. Because it is part of me, and you should know about it.

    Thanks for being here.



    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    I was able to read the first 3 lines and the last one- you are welcome, and I am glad you don’t want to end our communication. “Well read” means that I can tell by your vocabulary and writing, especially it being that English is not your first language, that you read a variety of serious articles/ books like the one you mentioned.

    I will be back in a few hours to read the rest of your recent post (and anything you may add to it)and reply then.


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