Anita,

Okay here would be the scenario:

In an ideal world where I had no fear of confronting her, I would probably say the following. Also, after writing it all out, I also naturally added other things I was hurt about. I also started to get flashbacks of when she and I were very close, and when I used to have self-respect and confidence. I know that throughout the years when I lost my self-confidence and faith in myself, it was due to other things besides her. It was because of my abusive relationship and possibly even the prominence of social media because of its focus on beauty. However, she was my best friend and she hurt me which made those effects even worse.

“Hey, you know how I have self-esteem issues and body dysmorphia? I just wanted to let you know that a big reason as to why I have those problems is because of what you had said to me. I always had trouble accepting myself, but when you said I needed a nose job, it became even harder to accept myself. I really fell down a path of self-hatred and it caused me a lot of pain. I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy because of what you said. If I were to look in the mirror and think for a second that I looked pretty or that my nose looked cute and small, I would instantly squash any of that because I couldn’t allow myself to do so. All I knew was that you said my nose needed to be fixed.

You knew I struggled with self-esteem for my entire life. You are my cousin, you saw me grow up because we have always been close. You saw me when I would struggle with shyness and anxiety. You saw how I was afraid to put myself out there. However, instead of lifting me up when I needed it, you brought me down. You would tell me I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or cool enough. So my question is, why have you always put me down? In the moments when I needed your help, you seemed so focused on my flaws. When I first entered college and was trying to break up with my abusive boyfriend, you told me I needed a nose job. Why would you tell me THAT during THAT time?! That was a time when I needed strength, bravery, and confidence in myself. Were you just oblivious to what was going on?

I miss when we were 16 and we were the closest we ever were. I don’t know what was different then, but I think I would just look past your mean words because I knew you were my best friend. We had so much fun together. We would travel, meet people, laugh together, take photos, etc. Your words have always hurt me but I had ignored them until it became too hard for me to ignore.

When I got into an abusive relationship, you didn’t seem to care. I was changing. Don’t you remember how much happier I was before the relationship? How I was able to talk to anyone, I would dress up and wear makeup, I would laugh??? How I had tons of friends and would meet people wherever I went? Then, when I stopped grooming myself, stopped talking to people, and felt depressed because of him, you didn’t seem to care? You didn’t seem to care that the old Katie (the fun, happy, talkative, and well-liked Katie) was gone. I felt depressed. My ex would completely take advantage of me. I became silent. I barely talked to anyone. Didn’t you notice the change? It seemed like you just accepted this new version of me. That hurt me because when I was struggling and changing, it seemed like you just turned a blind eye. Like everyone else. Except, you were supposed to be my best friend.”