Anita,

I definitely wouldn’t tell the child that her nose is big and would be nice to her.

Also, I’m a little worried to choose big nose because I don’t want it to lower my self esteem. Its so uncomfortable for me to live with this flaw I think I have. But I guess I do understand the point of accepting a big nose and living with it is learning to not let it lower my self esteem no matter what the size is. I will try.

And your comment about the memory of my cousins words and her hurtful habits makes sense. I never thought about it in that way, I think it was the way it was worded, but it really makes sense. I think I was too focused on weighing the pros and the cons to realize that the damage has already been done. She’s not changing and I need to accept that she isn’t good for me. There’s no “forgiving” or “accepting” because she has toxic habits and the memory of her words are just too painful.

I will try my best to stop questioning my nose and accept it as big. Even though I may not 100% believe it is big, I think if I just practice accepting it for the way it is, maybe I will see progress.

There’s also something that I’ve been meaning to mention for some time. This may sound a little bit out there, but it has been on my mind for a while. I came across an article about autism in women. I felt like a lot of the traits related to me.

I think I mentioned this in another thread before, but my mom said teachers thought I was autistic and that “something was wrong” with me. I assume I got a test and came back negative. However, a lot of autistic women are coming forward saying they weren’t diagnosed until the age of 20, 30, even 40+ because they came back as negative while being screened for autism when they were younger.

There’s also other reasons why I think I may have it. For example, when I was young I apparently didn’t make eye contact. However, that isn’t really a problem for me now. I am fully capable of making eye contact and having a conversation, but I notice it takes a lot of work for me. I read about something called “masking” that a lot of autistic people (women especially) do. It’s when they copy the thoughts and behaviors of the people around them. I could be wrong, but I genuinely feel that is me. Genuinely. I’ve always been so shy and awkward in social situations (unless I’m really comfortable with the person). There have been times in my life when I’ve been outgoing! However, I can say for a FACT that it was due to me copying behaviors of people around me. I remember when I was around the age of 16, I decided I wanted to be social so I began copying the behaviors of popular, outgoing, cool people and I ended up making tons of friends. Yet, when I decide to just be myself, I am not social. I don’t talk. I’m quiet.

Another reason is because a lot of the time, women with autism are diagnosed with autism AND another mental disorder. A lot of the common ones are: anxiety, depression, OCD. I have a few too (anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder).

I also get told I am naive a lot. I easily fall victim to manipulation. Apparently, a lot of women with autism fall victim to abusive relationships (whether that be with a significant other, friend, family member, etc). It’s crazy because I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years with my ex boyfriend. I trusted him when he was actually abusing me

I am not trying to self diagnose, but I was actually very happy to discover I related to the symptoms because I clearly have difficulty living my life. I’m very dependent on the people around me for guidance and advice (another trait common in autistic people), and it’s stressful for me. I’m obviously not going to assume I have it, but I can’t ignore how much I relate to it. I’m going to try to be diagnosed soon, but I probably won’t know the results for a while. I just wanted to mention it to you and see what you think. Could this be the answer to all my “problems?” Because I seem to be at a point in my life where I’m confused, lost, stressed, and sad. All of my personality traits that relate to autism seem to be the cause of my problems (shyness, insecurity, not trusting myself, dependence on others, anxiety). Please let me know if you think this could be a possibility and a solution for me.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Katie.