Dear noname:

So very good to read from you! I am fine, thank you for asking, I will elaborate later in this post. For now I want to respond to a few things you brought up:

1. “My sister text me last weekend pleading to unblock my mom and talk with her”- I am so sorry to read this. I am sure she is not intending to do her part to hurt you/ prevent you from getting better, but that is exactly what she is doing. I am asking you to keep your mother blocked; this is what I am doing, having no contact with my own mother (even though she is getting older, and there is a pandemic, and  my sister is living with her.

This is what you don’t need:  “criticism of what I’m doing to hurt her… defending myself .. against her opinions of me”.

2. “sometimes I just want my life to go ahead and crash completely.. waiting around to see what’s going to happen always feels worse”- what I found out more thoroughly during this pandemic is that we who grew up as children in scary home situations, keep being scared of the same that scared us back then. As adults, we move though different political leaders and situations, different economies, still fearing what we feared as children. If you read through your posts before this pandemic, you can clearly see that you were no less afraid before the pandemic than you are now.

We keep feeling scared of something that is not a real-and-present-dangerfor us anymore (ex: your mother criticizing you; my mother blaming me for causing her so much hurt by my alleged wrongdoings).

What I found out during this pandemic, a first time situation in my lifetime, is that the fear I felt about the pandemic itself, the economic consequences, is amazingly lesser in intense than the fear I felt for decades previously.. during good economic times, with no epidemics on my mind!

“You mentioned your basic needs in the last portion of your post, referring to your need for food, and other material goods.  One very crucial need that you have is to no longer suffer as you do. There is no way to accomplish this in life other than to no longer be afraid/ anxious about the same-old-same-old that scared you as a child.

“I want a community where people are interdependent on each other for our physical and emotional well being”- this is exactly what you did not have as a child,  this kind of home-community. Exit the home community that you did have, and you will find your way to the community that you want.

“I want a community.. This is where the dissatisfaction in my life has its roots I have discovered”- having had the home situation/ community that you did have is indeed where the roots of your lifetime dissatisfaction are to be found, and those roots should be uprooted, meaning, leave that home of origin in each and every way.

anita