Sammy,

Okay darlin’….slow down. You’re in the withdrawal stage. It’s okay. This is all normal. What you are feeling is normal…..and many many many of us have felt similar at different stages in our lives. You WILL be okay, but it won’t be today, or tomorrow, or Sunday even. It will be some time, but whenever you think you can’t survive the pain, remember you will. You just have to endure it for now.

Your friend has some valid points, but every single person on this earth is a product of their conditioning, their life experiences. Millions of people are content and happy in relationships that have not gone to therapy and done years of work on themselves and they feel love. Whatever that love is for them. I did love my ex…in the way I understood love, in how I saw love, from my upbringing, from my experiences, based on my insecurities etc. That was love to me. Are there lots of different types of love? Yes, because as humans, we always have the capacity to learn and to grow. So don’t diminish what you felt for your ex as nothing, as not being real, it was real for you. Now that he has left, it may teach you things about love and about the kind of love you want to give and want to receive.

I can’t see it working out with my ex. Realistically. If you stand back and look at the evidence. Not because I don’t care anymore, but the evidence is what it is. It DIDN’T work with us….THREE times. It didn’t work for a reason…or reasons. I believe everyone has the capacity to change and if two people go and work on themselves separately and grow and develop and come back together to start a brand new relationship which is totally different and are committed to various things, then maybe some reunions do work under those circumstances, but those circumstances don’t seem to be present for you or I. The men did not choose a life with us. That’s their right. We may want to be with them, but they have a right to make their own decisions. I certainly don’t want my ex to return to me just ‘cos I miss him and want a life with him. I would only want him if he wanted me, otherwise what’s the point? I hate the decision he made, but I respect his right to choose what he wants.

But it has taken me 10 months to even get to this stage…..so please understand, you are in the early stages of heartbreak. It’s all a bubble of pain and loss and anxiety right now. That’s okay. You will be okay. When you feel you can, try and push through to being sober, because yes i know it numbs, but remember it wears off…..and then that’s a low which is deeper than the low you felt before you started drinking. I’m inquisitive and I like to understand things, especially things I can’t control, it lessens my anxiety. So a couple of things I did in those initial days was read articles online, read books, listen to Ted Talks, which opened up little chinks of insight into why some people feel heartbreak in particular ways.

My support structure helped me at the time too, friends, family and this forum. I understand at the moment, we are in an incredibly restrictive situation as we can’t socially meet anyone, so try to come up with a plan to contact people incrementally on facetime or whatsapp to get you through each day. Sammy, I promise you will be okay if you just hold faith that it will get better, but for now, you need to be as strong as you can. Just strong enough to survive. If you can find little things to distract you for even ten minutes at a time, that’s lessening the pain for those ten minutes, so do it.

Anger often works for some people to move on. It’s not for me. I would rather respect people for their decisions and try to understand them than just get angry and tell myself I deserve better (when I don’t actually believe that). But I will say, you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. We are born deserving of being loved. Sometimes we lose that belief along the way, so let’s try and get it back eh? Deep breaths and telling yourself ‘this too shall pass’, because one day it will. The pain will just be less, you won’t notice it, it’ll creep up on you and you’ll realise you’re okay and feel that you will make it through.

@Kkasxo,

I’ve missed you! I completely feel you….I don’t know what’s going on at the moment, I feel like I’m just dreaming and soon I will wake up and tell everyone about the crazy dream where the world has been turned upside down. I realise my four walls are not my friends. They have been closing in on my for days. I have now gotten an appointment for the Covid test next Monday, but honestly I feel silly even getting it now as I don’t feel ill anymore, but nonetheless I can’t take the chance around my Dad and brother. So everytime I am about to lose my mind in self isolation, I remember who I’m doing it for and it makes it worthwhile.

Adelaide, to be honest…you’re unreal. So mature and insightful, streets and streets ahead of me. As you will have noticed from my posts over all this time, I’m nowhere near as self assured as you. You can empathise with my situation, but you recognise patterns and behaviour far easier than I and you make excellent decisions to take care of yourself. Well done, I have to say I’m so impressed and your innate resourcefulness. Yes the interaction with my ex was strange, but it meant nothing as such. It meant more in my mind than it did in reality. I have not heard from him since and I don’t expect to. I know he has continued to work as his job is one that is done solo so he has no issues with social distancing. So while I have endless hours to ruminate and fantasise and over analyse, that dude is working away, not thinking about it at all, completely oblivious. You seem like a wonderful person to have in someone’s life, so you are indeed correct, if they don’t choose you, they seem to undervalue you and then you don’t want someone who undervalues you in your circle.

Family is……tricky. Believe me I know. Last night I fell asleep crying just because of the stresses this situation has put on my family and the dynamic and healthwise and priority wise and financially speaking. It’s all just….a lot. Anxiety and fear is high so everyone’s emotions are on high alert, so all you can do is look after you for now. You have taken care of your sister and I’m sure she will be extraordinarily careful in self isolation and in two weeks, everyone will be doing the best they can. So focus on that for now.

Genie, you’re so right, this thread has kept me from spirally off the deep end with anxiety so many times. And nowadays, it looks like the most effective way to communicate with people. I hope your anxiety is settling a little and you have developed routine which is bolstering your relationship with Jay even further. I feel like time seems so much like our enemy right now, just like when i was in the midst of heartbreak, when I wanted time to speed up, so I could get out the other side, so it could be months down the road when I’d be fine…..but my therapist always said, the only way out is through.

So well gotta just try and get through the next few weeks and hopefully before we know it, it’ll be the end of April and we’ll really have started to tackle this thing head on! Stay safe all. x