Hello,

I ended up doing something kind of bad, but I texted my ex a few days ago. We later FaceTimed and talked about what we had been up to. I ended asking him if his decision was still the same. He told me that he still thought us breaking up was the best choice. He still seemed upset about the whole situation. He told me that he was hurting too, that I was everything he has ever wanted, but that he had messed up by cheating on me and that’s something that he had to live with. He also said that it wouldn’t work out, just that it wouldn’t work right now. I am super hurt by what happened, and he is super hurt from me trying to control him and our fight getting physical before we broke up. I started talking out of panic, telling him that I was having a really hard time and I just needed him to hear me out. At one point, we started going back and forth and bringing up certain details that happened that night that he seemed to not remember well. I told him I was hurt by what he was saying and he told me that we shouldn’t talk about the past and try to let go of what happened. He was pretty upset at this point and I felt a bit of a panic attack coming. I asked him to stay on the phone and he said that he was done talking for the night. He told me he had been trying to be there for me, to just relax and try to get some rest. He hung up.

His reaction to everything had me triggered. Like he didn’t care, or he didn’t want to hear all this again. I didn’t cry that night, but the next day it kind of just hit me like a wave. I’ve been on a wave of emotions the last couple of days. I decided to not talk to him again, I am hurt and talking to him doesn’t help. I cut contact and wrote out a letter that helped ease my mind. I’ve been sitting on it for a bit. I’ll decide in a few days whether or not I want to share that with him.

He reached out to me yesterday.. asking how I was doing. I didn’t reply. It sounds crazy for me to think he does love me because he cheated on me, but I truly think he cares. Which would explain why he is reaching out and has been since we broke up. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing though. I know there’s too much pain for things to work out between us right now. I need to heal and move forward, so I am going to try to stick to not talking to him.

I’ve been taking my dogs for walks and it helps, I’ll listen to some music that helps clear your mind, that’s been good for me. I do struggle, like I mentioned before with keeping the bad thoughts out of my head. I’ll randomly miss him, feel the urge to text him, sometimes I also think into the future and I feel afraid. I think that’s normal, but it has really kept me unmotivated, Even with work, I do work most of the day throughout the week, and I’m on auto pilot. I know it’s a feeling of numbness but wow it’s made it difficult to try to feel relief in working and doing other things, even simply watching some television.

Thanks for hearing me out!