March 26, 2020 at 11:37 am #345550
It’s my first time doing this. I recently went through a breakup (about two weeks ago). We had been rocky for about a month. Back in February I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me with a girl I had asked him to stop seeing that he used to hook up with because she had been stalking me, she’d wait around outside his work for him, and she tried having friends add me on social media platforms. When we became official last year he told me he’d respect that and stopped talking to her (or so I thought). Fast forward 6 months in and I honestly felt things were going great, trust was growing, the bond between us was growing, we were having a wonderful time. There were times where it would be uncomfortable because the girl would show up with mutual friends, or she would go workout where he works when I would be there and we would talk about it but drop the subject. Well back in February I was with him for a bit after he got off work and then he told me he was going home and let me know when he got home. As I was driving home, something in my guy was telling me he was lying. I’ve never done something so crazy.. but I drove to his house and he wasn’t there. I called him and he was answering with “I’m in the middle of something” “give me a second” which was weird. So I waited there and he pulled up a few minutes later. Well to my surprise, he had this girl in his truck. I went crazy and started yelling and asking why he was with her. He told me she had waited around for him after work and just asked if they could meet up for a drink because she was stressing out over her work. He had just gotten to the bar (2 minutes away) when I FaceTimed him so he came back home and brought her with him to answer my call. I was so upset and I confronted him and found out he had slept with her 3 times back in November but that he hadn’t done anything since then. He let me go through his phone and read all the conversations.
Anyway, I made the wrong choice of staying with him after that happened as he was persistent on trying to get me to talk to him. We decided to work on things but I never really forgave him for what he did to me. This was an issue because I started trying to control him, he would let me go through his phone, I’d ask him about suspicious things and it drove me crazy. A month after this (two weeks ago) we went out and drank a lot, we had a good time, but when we got home I asked him for his phone and he was really drunk he was like take it. I went into my car to charge it because it was dead and he came sprinting down and got very aggressive and tried to take it away. I quickly locked the doors and drove to the end of the street as I felt scared. He sped off 2 minutes later and it took me almost an hour to find him. When I found him he was completely enraged yelling at me that he was done and never wanted to see me again and that he wanted his phone back and he wanted to leave. He was super drunk.. I asked him to calm down and let me take him home or at least get him a ride. But it got out of control, he started yelling all these things at me and he ended up saying to me “you fucked up you fucked this up” and I totally lost it. I was so hurt from him saying that because he had been the one who had fucked up and in that moment I wanted him to hurt the way he had hurt me.. it was a really bad fight, probably the worst fight I’ve ever had in a relationship. He broke up with me two days later after he asked for some time to cool off. It was super in the air though, because he kept telling me he didn’t want to lose me but that he couldn’t do this anymore, he didn’t want another fight to break out and it get out of hand. He said he loved me but that what had happened was just too much, and he recognized that he had been the one to mess up and that’s how we ended up there. He said he’d be there for me, that we could still be friends and I told him I couldn’t put myself through that. He still contacted me a couple of times these past two weeks. I have a hard time with my anxiety so when I feel on edge I tend to reply or reach out. I know this relationship wasn’t healthy for me at all.. but it just hurts so much because there was real love there. I don’t know how to deal with all this pain and I’m just feeling weak that I can’t ignore him or block him because I somehow want to try to fix what went wrong. How do I move on and let him go?March 26, 2020 at 12:24 pm #345560
You shared that you and your boyfriend became official last year, 2019. At the time a young woman he used to hook up with was stalking him and you. You asked him at the time to stop talking to her and he said that he “stopped talking to her”. Six months later, in February this year, you witnessed her in his truck and he told you that “he had slept with her 3 times back in November but that he hadn’t done anything since then”. You didn’t break up with him, and he let you go through his phone so to check if he is still cheating on you.
Two weeks ago the two of you got drunk, you asked for his phone, he gave you the phone, but then aggressively tried to take it back, you didn’t give him the phone back, got to your car, drove to the end of the street, he got into his car, drove away (both of you driving drunk), “it was a really bad fight, probably the worst fight I’ve ever had in a relationship”, you wrote.
Following that fight, he told you that “he didn’t want to lose me but that he couldn’t do this anymore, he didn’t want another fight to break out and it get out of hand.. that what had happened was just too much”, and soon after he broke up with you. You believe that “this relationship wasn’t healthy.. but it just hurts so much because there was real love there”. You feel weak, and still, you somehow “want to try to fix what went wrong”.
You asked: “How do I move on and let him go?”-
– my answer: with great sadness, let him go. Let yourself feel that intense sadness, that there was some “real love there” and that love is lost now. Look at the bigger picture: there was some real love there, but also real betrayal.
You are giving up on the bigger picture: the love and the betrayal. He told you that he will not talk to a woman he had sex with before you and him became official. Nov last year, three months after he gave you his word, he had sex with her three times, and then kept it a secret from you for three months until you saw her in his truck, Feb this year.
Also, it is unlikely that he told you on Feb the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, unlikely because he was able to not tell you the truth Nov, Dec, Jan, and.. he didn’t intend to tell you the truth before you caught him in his truck with her.
Likely, he had sex with her more times than three, before and after November. (I am not sure of course. I suppose a good private detective can find out for sure, gather hard evidence and testimonies).
Better let a man who cheats on you go, than marry such a man, have children with him, and be in a worse situation than you are now.
Does this help any?
anitaMarch 26, 2020 at 12:50 pm #345566
Yes, it helps a lot to hear from you. And you are right, I definitely have been feeling some sense of relief because he is no longer able to hurt me in that way. And it is also good that I was able to get out of it early on, even if initially it wasn’t my decision. You are right about the betrayal. I barely started thinking about that these past two days. I can’t just bend myself over and over again for someone who is okay with disrespecting me like that. I am currently feeling all of this pain, heartbreak, betrayal, and that is what has me feeling hopeless, trying to fight for something that isn’t right. I know that this is the right choice, I am just having such a hard time dealing with my emotions and trying to heal in the best way possible. I know it takes time, I think I’m just trying to reach out for some support, some advice, anything. This whole situation with lockdowns has left me stuck at home unable to escape my house or my feelings and I feel like I’m having a hard time dealing with all that.March 26, 2020 at 1:25 pm #345572
“I can’t just bend myself over and over again for someone who is okay with disrespecting me like that”- I like the sentiment here, I like it!
“I am currently feeling all of this pain, heartbreak, betrayal, and that is what has me feeling hopeless, trying to fight for something that isn’t right”- it is the fighting that will keep the pain going and going. Stop fighting the pain; stop fighting for this relationship, for him, or against him- and you will be surprised by how quickly this pain will subside and you will feel so much better.
Regarding the lockdown, that’s something else, isn’t it. First time in my lifetime that the whole world closed down, nowhere to go. But think of this: neither you nor I can do anything at all about this COVID-19 virus, other than staying away from it and keeping it away from us. Why not do the same with your ex-boyfriend, social distance yourself from him.
Not that he is a virus, of course, but him cheating on you infected you with significant emotional pain. Keep away from the source of your personal pain, and you will feel better.
* Later today I will add to my thread on the COVID-9 topic, suggesting what we call look at online in regard to how long the lockdown in each country will last.
Post here anytime, Alejandra and I will reply to you.
March 26, 2020 at 4:28 pm #345624
- This reply was modified 10 months ago by anita.
We had our last conversation last night and it made me realize that it’s not worth it. However, I was unable to say a lot of things that I wanted to say to him. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m the kind of person that needs closure to move on. I was thinking about writing out a letter and sitting on it for a week. If I still feel the things I wrote are important to share with him then I will send it. Right now I just need to feel what I have to feel. I’m not feeling hopeless, just sad, and afraid of what’s to come.March 26, 2020 at 5:12 pm #345638
A letter can bring closure. If it will help you to post here a draft of that letter, so to get my input, you are welcome to do so. If it is a private matter, of course, keep it private.
“I’m not feeling hopeless, just sad, and afraid of what’s to come”- can you tell me specifically what you are afraid of?
anitaMarch 26, 2020 at 5:59 pm #345646
I will look into writing it down and I will share it on here. I think the biggest thing for the purpose of the letter is forgiveness. I feel like I need to forgive everything that he put me through in order for me to let go of all this anger and negative emotions. I really think that it will help me heal in a healthier way. When I have it written, I will share it with you thank you.
And this is the first time I get cheated on in a relationship. It’s only my third serious relationship, and while I had issues in my past two relationships, infidelity was never one of them. I think I am scared I won’t deal with these insecurities well if I start to date again. I really lost myself, I became a paranoid person, constantly looking for mistakes, focusing on details, and missing the big picture. It made me very controlling and insecure, and I am afraid that that’s something I’ll struggle with a lot in the future.March 26, 2020 at 6:13 pm #345650
By forgiving him via the letter, I understand that you mean to release your anger at him, to express it and leave it behind. Reads like a good idea to me, and whenever you do post it here, I will be glad to read it and if you want, I will give you my input on it.
Regarding what you fear: you are afraid that you will become “a paranoid person, constantly looking for mistakes.. very controlling” in a future relationship.
I am wondering what issues you had in your other relationships (“I had issues in my past two relationships”)- since you mentioned such, I wonder what they are.
anitaMarch 27, 2020 at 7:49 am #345728
Yes, there’s stuff that I feel like I need to get off my chest. I know a lot of people talk about closure in the sense that it is not needed, or at least the ones I’ve discussed it with, but I do feel closure brings me a lot of peace and clarity. So I’m going to write it all down, share it on here and sit on it for a week.
Yes, I am afraid of that. If I’m being honest, I feel like I kind of lost my mental stability in this relationship because I let my emotions (love, fear, disappointment) take over my actions.
And in my past relationships.. I guess my first one was difficult because it was new to me. I wanted freedom and he wanted me to compromise and prioritize him in my life. So I did. And at first it was tough to get through, but I slowly started enjoying having someone I could lean on. It was nice, but he leaned on me too and he has always had a lot of issues with his mental and even physical health. It got to a point where I felt like I was just there to take care of him and I always wondered who was taking care of me. It ended after being off and on for a good while. The funny thing is, I do talk to that ex of mine. He went through so much pain that I lived through with him. We didn’t talk for almost 3 years, and now we are actually decent friends. The other one was just bad timing. He was in the military and was set for deployment, so almost a year into the relationship, he left and I told him I couldn’t put myself through that. We didn’t talk throughout his deployment (a year). He ended up coming back earlier than expected and we tried to rekindle things, but it just wasn’t there anymore.March 27, 2020 at 9:37 am #345742
“I feel like I kind of lost my mental stability in this relationship” – in my experience, in most cases, adults don’t permanently their mental stability because of an experiences in adulthood. Such loss happens in childhood, in those Formative Years when our brains are being formed: thousands of neuropathways held tight with the strongest emotions of childhood are formed in those years.
So I think you will be okay.
Regarding your two previous relationships, I don’t see you having issues: it is understandable that you felt that you were burdened with taking care of him, wondering who was there to take care of you. And in the second, again, I understand your difficulty with not having your boyfriend around for a whole year- that’s a very long time!
anitaMarch 27, 2020 at 12:44 pm #345768
I realize the way that sounded was a bit intense. I meant that I lost it during my relationship. I was doing crazy things, like checking his location, asking him too many questions if I felt suspicious. I usually am not the kind of person to doubt and worry, but I wanted so badly to believe that our relationship would grow that I never stopped to give myself time to heal and decide whether or not I would be able to forgive him. I think I can, and I probably should to let go. People aren’t perfect they will always make mistakes. It’s how the choose to act after those mistakes that show whether or not they want to do right, be better, etc.
I have been having a rough time sleeping. I also have my up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I usually wake up with that feeling of despair, knowing that part of my life is gone. Some days I feel hopeless and I cry a lot, other days I feel okay. It’s tough living through all this and not being able to leave home. I feel like I am always in my thoughts and can’t escape them. it might be good, as I am the kind of person that buries themselves in work when grieving, but I guess it’s just new to me and I’ve been struggling to understand it.March 27, 2020 at 1:22 pm #345778
Regarding being “always in my thoughts”, maybe a mindful guided meditation will help you, such as the Mark Williams series, available online, I believe. Also, a hot bath always does it for me, causes me to .. kind of sweat out thinking and distress. A walk does it too- if it is possible to walk outside while keeping social distancing/ if it is allowed to do so where you live. Maybe some yoga poses that you can do at home will help, there are YouTube videos available online.
Regarding the man we’ve been talking about- he cheated on you and you responded by checking on him, understandably. It is a good thing you didn’t respond to it violently, ending up in jail (it does happen!) Good thing you stayed within legal parameters, “checking his location, asking him too many questions”- that’s as legal as can be!
anitaMarch 29, 2020 at 5:20 pm #346088
I ended up doing something kind of bad, but I texted my ex a few days ago. We later FaceTimed and talked about what we had been up to. I ended asking him if his decision was still the same. He told me that he still thought us breaking up was the best choice. He still seemed upset about the whole situation. He told me that he was hurting too, that I was everything he has ever wanted, but that he had messed up by cheating on me and that’s something that he had to live with. He also said that it wouldn’t work out, just that it wouldn’t work right now. I am super hurt by what happened, and he is super hurt from me trying to control him and our fight getting physical before we broke up. I started talking out of panic, telling him that I was having a really hard time and I just needed him to hear me out. At one point, we started going back and forth and bringing up certain details that happened that night that he seemed to not remember well. I told him I was hurt by what he was saying and he told me that we shouldn’t talk about the past and try to let go of what happened. He was pretty upset at this point and I felt a bit of a panic attack coming. I asked him to stay on the phone and he said that he was done talking for the night. He told me he had been trying to be there for me, to just relax and try to get some rest. He hung up.
His reaction to everything had me triggered. Like he didn’t care, or he didn’t want to hear all this again. I didn’t cry that night, but the next day it kind of just hit me like a wave. I’ve been on a wave of emotions the last couple of days. I decided to not talk to him again, I am hurt and talking to him doesn’t help. I cut contact and wrote out a letter that helped ease my mind. I’ve been sitting on it for a bit. I’ll decide in a few days whether or not I want to share that with him.
He reached out to me yesterday.. asking how I was doing. I didn’t reply. It sounds crazy for me to think he does love me because he cheated on me, but I truly think he cares. Which would explain why he is reaching out and has been since we broke up. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing though. I know there’s too much pain for things to work out between us right now. I need to heal and move forward, so I am going to try to stick to not talking to him.
I’ve been taking my dogs for walks and it helps, I’ll listen to some music that helps clear your mind, that’s been good for me. I do struggle, like I mentioned before with keeping the bad thoughts out of my head. I’ll randomly miss him, feel the urge to text him, sometimes I also think into the future and I feel afraid. I think that’s normal, but it has really kept me unmotivated, Even with work, I do work most of the day throughout the week, and I’m on auto pilot. I know it’s a feeling of numbness but wow it’s made it difficult to try to feel relief in working and doing other things, even simply watching some television.
Thanks for hearing me out!March 29, 2020 at 6:45 pm #346104
First a correction: soon after I submitted my last post to you about you not responding to his cheating violently and illegally, I realized that I was mistaken: when I was typing that post, I forgot about the big fight you had with him, the fight that led to the breakup. – there was some violence, disorderly conduct, and some drunk driving, which are illegal activities.
Regarding your recent post, I don’t think that you “did something kind of bad” texting and talking with him, texting him and talking to him- that is not violent or illegal. And I understand why you texted and talked to him: you are experiencing intense hurt, fear and anger, an emotional storm, so it led you to want him to quiet that storm. But he didn’t, and he couldn’t, even if he wanted badly to quiet your storm.
I have a suggestion regarding the letter: write the first draft of it knowing that you will not be sending it to him. Write it therefore without thinking what he will think about it/how he will react to it. This will make it possible for you to write it with all honesty, expressing yourself genuinely, nothing stopping you or slowing you down.
Say it all in that letter, don’t worry about it being logical or clear, just … let it all out.
Let me know how it goes and post anytime!
anitaApril 3, 2020 at 5:00 pm #346980
I ended up writing my letter how you suggested.. I’ve yet to go back and read it, but it definitely gave me some relief to be able to write down everything I was feeling. I decided to cut off all contact with him. It has been rough, but I don’t feel like a huge emotional rollercoaster. It has been a week and a half since I last spoke to him. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and doing things I enjoy. It has been a bit rough, being so that I’m stuck at home. I have been able to keep myself put together for the most part. I don’t feel the urge to text him, right now I actually don’t think I even want to talk to him.
Over the last week and a half he has contacted me twice, I didn’t respond. Yesterday, some of our friends who we used to dance salsa with started a group chat with us. He responded, but I tried my hardest not to, and didn’t. I know the best way to avoid those moments and feeling nostalgic would be to block him. I don’t think I am there yet. Maybe it’s just my heart in denial, maybe I feel too emotionally exhausted to put myself through more sadness and anxiety. Yesterday was super rough, I cried the whole time in the shower, and later in the evening I cried for about two hours. It started with missing him, but transitioned into how he treated me and what I had to go through in the relationship.
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I hadn’t mentioned this but I was having so much trouble sleeping, however these past few days I started to sleep a bit better. I still struggle to fall asleep, but my sleep is now continuous. I manage to get around 5 6 hours of it. I also started eating a bit more, as I have lost around 10 pounds in the last few weeks. I think that means I am slowly healing. I am still having feelings of wanting to ask him to reconsider, him breaking up with me totally crushed my self-esteem. I know this relationship wasn’t healthy for me, I of course still love him, I think I need time or closure or to be able to leave my home once again. Being stuck at home during this quarantine makes me feel I am stuck with my thoughts and feeling this way, I don’t know how to explain it. Anyway, I was reading other people’s posts on here, and realized a lot of people are going through similar or worse things than me. I also saw people revisiting after years and sharing how they are doing now. It was so refreshing to see that they overcame their struggles and that time really heals wounds. It’s only been a bit over two weeks for me, so it’s fresh. I still cry and have super bad days full of anxiety, but I am waking up every day and getting through the days with all I have to offer right now.