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breakup, cheating, bad fight, just looking for advice?

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  • #346986
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alejandra:

    Good to read from you. As I read your recent post, without looking at previous posts on your thread, I remembered that not long ago he told you that he did wrong by you, cheating on you, and therefore, he has to live with it. But is he suffering for it, like you do? I think that it is .. you who are living with it and suffering for what he did!

    “I know the best way to avoid those moments and feeling nostalgic would be to block him. I don’t think I am there yet. Maybe.. I feel too emotionally exhausted to put myself through more sadness and anxiety”- take your time, don’t put pressure on yourself when you are exhausted, be gentle with yourself.

    You are making progress healing: writing that letter, not having any contact with him, sleeping better, eating better, keeping yourself busy and put together, like you wrote. So you are doing well, especially under the circumstances of being stuck at home. Give yourself the credit you deserve for doing as well as you do.

    “waking up every day and getting through the days with all I have to offer right now”- that’s a lot to offer right now. Take good care of yourself, best care possible, and post again.

    anita

     

     

     

    #348406
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I have been doing well overall. I did however cave and went onto his social media. I saw he added back some girls he had stopped talking to and unfriended while we were together. It kind of hit me hard knowing that he’s back to his old ways. I think a part of me was hoping that he might be trying to use this time to work on himself or something. Sometimes I feel super ridiculous trying to always see the good in people. I guess I’m feeling angry more than anything right now. Not that I wanted us to get back together (well a part of me did) but I think it just stings a bit that he’s out there going back to other girls and old habits. I know there’s positive ways of looking at this but I am just struggling to really focus on all of that.

     

    I just wanted to come on here and vent. I don’t want to feel this way. Today feels like it’ll be rough, it’s already affecting my focus on work. I just want to fast forward to a place where I’ve accepted what happened, learned from it, and healed. I think I just feel like I just ran into a wall and I am struggling to see the open door to keep moving. I know there’s going to be hurdles.. but wow I am feeling the sadness, anxiety, and anger all over again. I’ve muted him from everything. I can’t see his stuff and he can’t see mine. I started feeling like I wanted to post things just so he would see. I’ve stopped that, it’s not healthy for me, and whether or not he’s struggling, I wouldn’t wish that feeling of seeing the other person doing well and it crushing me on anyone, even him.

     

    #348426
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alejandra:

    “going back to other girls and old habits” is easier than “trying to use this time to work on himself”, and most people choose what is easier, most of the time.

    His motivation to add girls to his social media account is not necessarily that he feels happy and is ready for a new love; it may be that his motivation is to distract himself from distress and conflict.

    “Sometimes I feel super ridiculous trying to always see the good in people”- better see the real in people, in other people and in ourselves.

    You are welcome to continue to vent here. If you prefer that I don’t analyze the content of your venting (as I have done here), please let me know.

    anita

     

    #348476
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think yesterday when I found out I was in such a confined mind bubble that I just felt so hopeless and heartbroken.. right now I am feeling sad, but I am also feeling grateful because I was able to remind myself of the way he was when we were together and the real reason why we broke up. He couldn’t respect me then, and I cannot expect him to work on himself and suddenly be fixed. I myself have had things I’ve had to work on to improve myself and become better, but sometimes it took months, sometimes it took years. But you’re right, people tend to choose what is easier. I’ve done it before.

    Whatever the reason for him doing that, I need to try to let it be and let go of the action, otherwise I’ll get caught up in my head and that doesn’t usually end well.

    I actually really like that you analyze what I am writing.. it makes me go back to my thoughts and realize why I’ve said certain things and how I truly feel about it. Thank you for letting me vent. I had been struggling a bit, since his birthday is coming up. I had bought his gift about a month ago, and due to the virus, I got my money back so I no longer have to worry about that, however, part if me wants to reach out to him, but also part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to feel anxious, if he doesn’t reply, or if he’s short (which I feel he would be). He has texted me a few times since I decided to not talk to him again, so it makes sense that now that I reach out, he wouldn’t want to hear from me.

    Thanks

    Ale

    #348486
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alejandra:

    You are welcome. “I myself had things I’ve had to work on to improve myself and become better.. it took months.. years. People tend to choose what is easier. I’ve done it before”- you read like a person who knows what she’s talking about. This kind of work does take months and years. You seeing that you too chose what is easier shows your superior understanding, because doing what is easier is a natural tendency (animals always choose what is easier when given options).

    I wouldn’t reach out to him for his birthday, or for any reason, if I was you. But if you do, in a moment of weakness and desperation, no big deal, really, in the big scheme of things, it doesn’t matter that much.

    And do keep venting, and since you don’t mind me analyzing, I will continue to do what I enjoy, analyze, that is.

    anita

     

     

    #348644
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Yes. It has been super rough, but I definitely need to work on my self-esteem, and for me, at least at this time, I don’t want to go looking for attention from other guys to “help” with that, as I feel it will only be a temporary thing. I am using this lockdown for self-improvement, that way when all this calms down and I can start up my routines again, I don’t feel scared to be me, and scared to give things a chance either (I’ve been struggling a bit with this). I’ve felt paranoid that cheating, lying, and disrespect will follow me into a new relationship (when the time comes of course, I’m not looking to do that, I want to heal.)

     

    And you’re right, I will try to go about the day like it’s just another day. I am going to prepare and mute all his family’s social media too, because I know if I see something I will cave. I was thinking of sharing the letter that I wrote him on here and you can analyze it as much as you want. I will post it in a bit.

     

    Thanks,

    Alejandra

    #348650
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alejandra:

    “I’ve felt paranoid that cheating, lying, and disrespect will follow  me into a new relationship”- these things will not follow you into a new relationship. If a man follows you, wanting a relationship with you, get to know him before you get into any kind of a physically intimate relationship with him.

    It  is easy to find out if a person is honest or not when strong emotions are not in the way, which is before an intimate relationship is formed. You  will therefore be able to wisely and actively select a man for your next relationship, instead of passively accept whatever man you superficially like who happens to be interested in you.

    I am looking forward to the letter you want to share with me.

    anita

     

    #348750
    Alejandra
    Participant

    It’s a pretty lengthy letter.. so I’m thinking about posting it in paragraphs if that’s okay. I will remove all names just for privacy, but I’ll post the first part. It kind of talks about how we started dating and how I felt about walking away from it a few times after some stuff happened (red flags). Here is that part. I wrote this section the day after we facetimed and I asked him to hear me out. He was so cold, and he completely told me he just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. That’s the day I decided that I needed to do this on my own and move on.

    “Dear X,

    I am writing this to you because I need to get closure and let go. There’s a lot of stuff I feel I never got to say, and you were so stubborn the few times we talked that you were done hearing me say it. So I’m writing it down, I think it’ll help. I’ll probably go through all these different emotions as I write this, I’ve been a rollercoaster these past few weeks. So here it goes. You put me through so much shit.. but I only have myself to blame for that as I let you. I should’ve known when to walk away, but I was so caught up in feeling like hanging out with you, talking to you, dating you just felt right. I’ve never felt that before.. the feeling of “I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing with someone else.” Why I felt that with you? I don’t know, and it was so weird because you’d always bring up your deja vu and talk about how you just felt like it felt right because you’ve lived it before. I never brought up how it felt for me, as I kind of used what you would say as words of comfort whenever I felt like I didn’t want to try with you anymore. And I felt that, maybe like 2 or 3 times throughout our time together. I felt it when I first started dating you.. you were so refreshing and you just wow, you would lighten up my moods, my days. I didn’t want to let that be, because I wanted to be selfish and keep living my life only worrying about myself. You had me though, and it took me much longer to realize that. I felt like quitting once more the day after you asked me to be your girlfriend, and well I won’t get into that. It’s like I had this whole idea inside my head of you, that you were just different and that you really cared, and maybe you did, but what we went through that day, or at least what I went through that day, felt like I was falling from the top of a mountain. I should’ve walked away the, I should’ve listened to the red flags, but I didn’t. The second time I felt like walking away was on New Years. I realized how much I cared about you right before that and well seeing (girl he cheated on me with) show up made me feel like maybe you hadn’t changed, or that you had been hiding something from me. Now I know I was right. The last time I felt like I wanted to walk away was when I found out you had cheated on me. Don’t think I’ve experienced heartbreak like I did that day. I’ve never been cheated on, so I didn’t know how to react. I had the expectation that you would respect me enough to not do that to me. I see now that I was wrong, and although it pains me, I’m glad I found out. I’ve passed it around in my head over and over again, and all I can say with 100 % certainty is that I would not want to end up with someone who is willing to hurt me the way that you did. ”

     

    Thanks,

    Alejandra

     

    #348760
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alejandra:

    I am not clear if your goal is still to send him a letter? I don’t remember if the idea is that I comment on the letter (?), but here are my comments nonetheless

    1. “You put me through so much sh**.. but I only have myself to blame for that as I  let you. I should’ve known when to walk away “-

    – no, he is to blame for what he did wrong. People are blamed (and found guilty in a court of law) for wrongdoings against others, even if the others let them.  For example, a woman lets a man into her house and he kills her. Is she to blame for being murdered because she let him in?!  The recipient of a wrongdoing is not guilty of the wrongdoing; the doer is. If a person is verbally abusing you, you are not guilty for the abuse because you didn’t walking away. (It would be wise to walk away, but it doesn’t make you guilty for verbal abuse).

    2. “I’ve never felt that before.. the feeling of ‘I’m doing what I  meant to be doing with someone else'”- this is so genuine, the real thing, precious, and it is his loss for losing the person who felt this way with him!

    “I never brought up how it felt… try with you anymore”- not a clear sentence. I am sure that you know what you mean in it, but it is not clear to me.

    “you were so refreshing and you just wow, you would lighten up my moods, my days…”- beautiful, touching.

    “I should’ve listened to the red flags”-“red flags” is an overused term, and one that people resist/ not take in. Better list the problematic behaviors on his part instead of using the term.

    I read the rest, but I’ll pause at this point, because I need to know if you are you planning to put together a message to send him, at this point, if so, for what purpose, and what kind of feedback, if any,  would  you like from me?

    anita

     

    #348776
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Thanks for responding so quickly, and I don’t plan on sharing this with him. I initially wrote it to give to him for closure, however I went back and read it again a few days back and I felt a lot of the things I said on here, were me being angry, hurt, me wanting him back. As I share the rest, you’ll see the wave of emotions all over the place. So no, I don’t want to share this with him. It’s more for myself, understanding what I was feeling then, and reading back on it to appreciate it all and try to use the important parts of what I wrote down to focus on where I’ve been hurt and try to move on.

    And you’re right about it not being my fault. Since I wrote this a while back, all I felt was guilty for what I had done. I didn’t really pay attention to the fact that what I had done was only a reaction to what he did first. Of course, not a good reaction, but I was so heavy with guilt because he broke up with me. I don’t feel that way now, I know that I didn’t cause the pain, and that my reaction was something I had built up for a whole month and that day I just let it out. What troubles me now with that is that he may never realize the true pain he cause with what he did, will he regret it? Will he not care? I know though, that that’s not something I need an answer to. It makes it a bit more difficult going through, but I know I will be okay in the end.

     

    Thanks

    Alejandra

    #348812
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alejandra:

    I re-read all your posts in two page thread, and this is what I understand (using quotes from what you shared):

    “Don’t think I’ve experienced heartbreak like I did that day. I’ve never been cheated on, so I didn’t know how to react”- even though you were not cheated on by a boyfriend before, you did experience a heartbreak as a child, within a relationship with a parent,  and that heartbreak got activated when he cheated on you, old pain added to new pain.

    Looking back at  your childhood,  you may not see a big event of being deserted or abused by a parent, but for a young child, it doesn’t take (what we consider later in life) a big event to feel deserted and betrayed. A child feels/ reacts intensely to any experience of being deserted. For example, an adult may look back at having been in daycare as no big deal, nothing exceptional about a child being left at daycare. But  a child who cries hysterically every morning, for weeks, when left at daycare, experiences intense desertion every single day. As the child grows up, she forgets that experience, but the fear and hurt and pain of being deserted doesn’t go away. It’s always there, but it gets activated mostly in the context of a romantic/ love relationship.

    “6 months in and I honestly felt things were going great, trust was growing”- you were relaxing into this relationship, dared to believe that he was worthy of your trust.

    “there was real love there”- real love as in you becoming emotionally attached to him, similar to a child who is naturally emotionally attached to a parent.

    “I had this whole idea inside my head of you, that you were just different and that you really cared”- as a child you felt that a parent didn’t really care about you, and you were hoping that this man was different, that he really cared.

    “felt like I was falling from the top of a mountain”- during the time you felt that he is different, that you can trust him, you felt the most intoxicating feeling that a child who fell off a mountain, so to speak, feels at the thought of being back up  on that mountain, feeling like before that first (original) betrayal, that feeling of unquestionable trust and complete safety.

    Your ex boyfriend has his own childhood experience and therefore, his own experience of the relationship he had with you. Plus, he is a man, and biology and society leads to many men having a different attitude toward the issue of sex and love. Many men are able to have sex without emotional attachment. For your ex boyfriend, having had sex with that woman was not a big deal. If it was a big deal, he wouldn’t have been able to hide it from you Nov- Feb, when you found out.

    For you, it was a huge deal.

    The good news is that there are men out there who are trustworthy, who will not cheat on their girlfriend/ wife. Either because they feel singularly attached to the one woman in their lives, not wanting another, or because they pride themselves at having the character to not cheat even when they feel like it. And because they don’t want their girlfriend to hurt, and their relationship to be in danger.

    anita

     

     

    #349020
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello,

     

    Thanks for sharing all of that with me. I don’t feel I necessarily felt neglected by a parent, but I did have a falling out with my grandmother about 7 years ago, and everything you mentioned about the feeling of loss, well I’ve carried it with me throughout all of these years.

    The whole sex with no emotional attachment is something really hard to understand. I know I don’t have to understand it, but I definitely feel it would make all this loss and heartbreak not feel so heavy. I am feeling super emotional today, well since yesterday. He has been celebrating his birthday this weekend and well I saw a lot of him through his friends and family’s social platforms. It was hard to ignore, so I caved and went and looked at his stuff too. It just brought back so many memories, and the feeling of loss, as well as the feeling of me wanting to reach out to him in an attempt to fix whatever I can. It makes me feel so low that I can still love someone who hurt me so deeply. I know it’s about grieving and me slowly moving on, but it has just been a super rough day for me today.

    I am going to insert another part of the letter I wrote here.
    <div>”I know people mess up, X, I’ve messed up too. Like when I got aggressive with you.. I never thought I would be capable of being that person. I had so much rage inside of me that I snapped. I know you made it a point to make sure that I knew I had messed up… right before I hit you you said this to me “you fucked up, you really fucked it up, I’m done.” So I reacted. Was I wrong? Of course, I apologized, tried to apologize right away, I felt so shitty about what I had done, I never want to be that person again. It was a reaction though. If you push and push and push a person over and over again, they will eventually push back. Of course we let it get to a bad point, I should’ve never done that, but you should’ve never disrespected me and cheated. And it’s not even the cheating. The respect, the honesty, the love. That’s all I really ever wanted from you, never wanted to change you, I just wanted you to love me and let me love you with honesty and respect. So I had to deal with the cheating, and had no clue how. I should’ve taken the time to really think about whether or not I could heal from this, or if I could even forgive you. I didn’t give myself the time, so when we decided to fix things, I had no idea how.. I started controlling everything you did because I just felt like I could avoid you cheating on me again, but it just blew up in my face. Instead of trying to control you, I should’ve just started to heal and let you do the things YOU felt needed to change for a healthier relationship. I asked for so much, and yes, I was never grateful for all that you really tried to do in the last month. It was so much pressure, that I feel you were building up so much anger and resentment towards me because I was trying to control your actions. Being honest though, you kept giving me reasons to bring stuff up.. like deleting conversations, talking to other girls on your phone, lying about adding girls on snapchat again. How did you expect me to be willing to trust you if you couldn’t even give me something to trust in? So I controlled you and I know now I can’t do that. I can’t force you to change, I can’t ask you to be someone you don’t want to be. And I say “want to be” because I know you can be that person. I’ve seen you be that person, but you’re just not ready or maybe willing to be that person for me.</div>
    <div>It’s been so hard to accept that, but I want to heal and be happy again, so I have to let you go. Like you mentioned it, if it’s meant to be then maybe we’ll find our way back, but I cannot be with someone who isn’t going to want to love me right. “</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Again thanks for your responses, it brings me hope and comfort knowing that this is something I can heal from.</div>
    <div></div>

    #349028
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alejandra:

    You are welcome. This is a super emotional day for you, but you will have better days. Tomorrow will probably be a better day for you. My comments on what you posted today:

    “The whole sex with no emotional attachment is something really hard to understand… I definitely feel it would make all this loss and heartbreak not feel so heavy”- I will try to explain it to you best I understand: for lots of men, sex is similar to what chocolate is for me: I love eating a rich, moist chocolate cake, with delicious frosting and nuts on top. After I finish a cake, I am satisfied for a while, but after some time, if I come across a cake, maybe I am offered one in a party, I will want that cake. It may be as delicious as the cake before, or less, but it will be good enough, because I love chocolate cake!

    That’s all sex is for most men.

    “I just wanted you to love me and let me love you with honesty and respect”- that’s beautiful, and indeed, love is not valuable or admirable if honesty and respect is not there.

    “You kept giving me reasons to bring stuff up.. like deleting conversations, talking to other girls on your phone, lying about adding girls on snapchat again. How did you expect me to be willing to trust you”- you mean, he did those things after you caught him with that woman Feb? My goodness, he was simply untrustworthy! How can you trust someone who is not untrustworthy?!

    About trust, of all the intangible things in life, I think that trust is the most important. It is the most valuable thing among people, and when there is trust between two people, and one breaks the other’s trust, it is devastating. I think that this is the nature of your devastation- the breaking of trust.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #352400
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Haven’t written on here in a while. Almost three weeks I think! I was having a weird day and I came back on here to read all the stuff we talked about and wow. I am doing sooo so much better since we last spoke. I still feel sad at times, but I have let go of anger, resentment, false hope as well. I have been very focused on work, learning new things, spending time with my dogs and talking to friends that lift my spirits up. It’s been limited of course, because of the quarantine, but I used to wake up dreading my days, and now when I wake up I feel I have things to look forward to.

     

    Here is why I decided to come back on here to read through this stuff. After a month and a few days of not talking to my ex, we talked again. The conversation started super light and friendly, he mentioned he was surprised I had responded as he felt I would never talk to him again, and he thought I had blocked him too (I stopped watching his social media posts, deactivated my accounts for about a week and a half). Anyway it was a weird conversation. Weird in the sense of I started feeling like I was having such comfortable conversation with him. We were just catching up mostly, and he was telling me a lot about how he was glad that I was doing better, that I had been on his mind, but that he understood that what I did was for me and that he used the time to start thinking clearly. Anyway, he started bringing up a lot about stuff we used to do together, and even tried flirting with me. I decided that maybe it was too much and decided to take a step back from conversation.

    I think I am handling all of this well, considering it was all sudden and well we exchanged maybe a bit too much information.. well I was feeling a bit nostalgic, thinking about the good things of our relationship (which were a lot more than bad). Obviously, he still did what he did, I made my peace with that so I could let go of all that was holding me back, so I don’t want to bring it up either, but I came on here to re read all the pain I felt and why it was a good thing that the relationship ended.

    I don’t know why I had that feeling of wanting to try again you know? I obviously still care for him, I also know I am in a place where I can continue on with my life without him and still be very happy, I just need some advice, reassurance, maybe even analyzing what I am saying as right now I am feeling a bit confused if I’m honest.

    #352410
    anita
    Participant

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

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