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Alejandra

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #352400
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Haven’t written on here in a while. Almost three weeks I think! I was having a weird day and I came back on here to read all the stuff we talked about and wow. I am doing sooo so much better since we last spoke. I still feel sad at times, but I have let go of anger, resentment, false hope as well. I have been very focused on work, learning new things, spending time with my dogs and talking to friends that lift my spirits up. It’s been limited of course, because of the quarantine, but I used to wake up dreading my days, and now when I wake up I feel I have things to look forward to.

     

    Here is why I decided to come back on here to read through this stuff. After a month and a few days of not talking to my ex, we talked again. The conversation started super light and friendly, he mentioned he was surprised I had responded as he felt I would never talk to him again, and he thought I had blocked him too (I stopped watching his social media posts, deactivated my accounts for about a week and a half). Anyway it was a weird conversation. Weird in the sense of I started feeling like I was having such comfortable conversation with him. We were just catching up mostly, and he was telling me a lot about how he was glad that I was doing better, that I had been on his mind, but that he understood that what I did was for me and that he used the time to start thinking clearly. Anyway, he started bringing up a lot about stuff we used to do together, and even tried flirting with me. I decided that maybe it was too much and decided to take a step back from conversation.

    I think I am handling all of this well, considering it was all sudden and well we exchanged maybe a bit too much information.. well I was feeling a bit nostalgic, thinking about the good things of our relationship (which were a lot more than bad). Obviously, he still did what he did, I made my peace with that so I could let go of all that was holding me back, so I don’t want to bring it up either, but I came on here to re read all the pain I felt and why it was a good thing that the relationship ended.

    I don’t know why I had that feeling of wanting to try again you know? I obviously still care for him, I also know I am in a place where I can continue on with my life without him and still be very happy, I just need some advice, reassurance, maybe even analyzing what I am saying as right now I am feeling a bit confused if I’m honest.

    #349020
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello,

     

    Thanks for sharing all of that with me. I don’t feel I necessarily felt neglected by a parent, but I did have a falling out with my grandmother about 7 years ago, and everything you mentioned about the feeling of loss, well I’ve carried it with me throughout all of these years.

    The whole sex with no emotional attachment is something really hard to understand. I know I don’t have to understand it, but I definitely feel it would make all this loss and heartbreak not feel so heavy. I am feeling super emotional today, well since yesterday. He has been celebrating his birthday this weekend and well I saw a lot of him through his friends and family’s social platforms. It was hard to ignore, so I caved and went and looked at his stuff too. It just brought back so many memories, and the feeling of loss, as well as the feeling of me wanting to reach out to him in an attempt to fix whatever I can. It makes me feel so low that I can still love someone who hurt me so deeply. I know it’s about grieving and me slowly moving on, but it has just been a super rough day for me today.

    I am going to insert another part of the letter I wrote here.
    <div>”I know people mess up, X, I’ve messed up too. Like when I got aggressive with you.. I never thought I would be capable of being that person. I had so much rage inside of me that I snapped. I know you made it a point to make sure that I knew I had messed up… right before I hit you you said this to me “you fucked up, you really fucked it up, I’m done.” So I reacted. Was I wrong? Of course, I apologized, tried to apologize right away, I felt so shitty about what I had done, I never want to be that person again. It was a reaction though. If you push and push and push a person over and over again, they will eventually push back. Of course we let it get to a bad point, I should’ve never done that, but you should’ve never disrespected me and cheated. And it’s not even the cheating. The respect, the honesty, the love. That’s all I really ever wanted from you, never wanted to change you, I just wanted you to love me and let me love you with honesty and respect. So I had to deal with the cheating, and had no clue how. I should’ve taken the time to really think about whether or not I could heal from this, or if I could even forgive you. I didn’t give myself the time, so when we decided to fix things, I had no idea how.. I started controlling everything you did because I just felt like I could avoid you cheating on me again, but it just blew up in my face. Instead of trying to control you, I should’ve just started to heal and let you do the things YOU felt needed to change for a healthier relationship. I asked for so much, and yes, I was never grateful for all that you really tried to do in the last month. It was so much pressure, that I feel you were building up so much anger and resentment towards me because I was trying to control your actions. Being honest though, you kept giving me reasons to bring stuff up.. like deleting conversations, talking to other girls on your phone, lying about adding girls on snapchat again. How did you expect me to be willing to trust you if you couldn’t even give me something to trust in? So I controlled you and I know now I can’t do that. I can’t force you to change, I can’t ask you to be someone you don’t want to be. And I say “want to be” because I know you can be that person. I’ve seen you be that person, but you’re just not ready or maybe willing to be that person for me.</div>
    <div>It’s been so hard to accept that, but I want to heal and be happy again, so I have to let you go. Like you mentioned it, if it’s meant to be then maybe we’ll find our way back, but I cannot be with someone who isn’t going to want to love me right. “</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Again thanks for your responses, it brings me hope and comfort knowing that this is something I can heal from.</div>
    <div></div>

    #348776
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Thanks for responding so quickly, and I don’t plan on sharing this with him. I initially wrote it to give to him for closure, however I went back and read it again a few days back and I felt a lot of the things I said on here, were me being angry, hurt, me wanting him back. As I share the rest, you’ll see the wave of emotions all over the place. So no, I don’t want to share this with him. It’s more for myself, understanding what I was feeling then, and reading back on it to appreciate it all and try to use the important parts of what I wrote down to focus on where I’ve been hurt and try to move on.

    And you’re right about it not being my fault. Since I wrote this a while back, all I felt was guilty for what I had done. I didn’t really pay attention to the fact that what I had done was only a reaction to what he did first. Of course, not a good reaction, but I was so heavy with guilt because he broke up with me. I don’t feel that way now, I know that I didn’t cause the pain, and that my reaction was something I had built up for a whole month and that day I just let it out. What troubles me now with that is that he may never realize the true pain he cause with what he did, will he regret it? Will he not care? I know though, that that’s not something I need an answer to. It makes it a bit more difficult going through, but I know I will be okay in the end.

     

    Thanks

    Alejandra

    #348750
    Alejandra
    Participant

    It’s a pretty lengthy letter.. so I’m thinking about posting it in paragraphs if that’s okay. I will remove all names just for privacy, but I’ll post the first part. It kind of talks about how we started dating and how I felt about walking away from it a few times after some stuff happened (red flags). Here is that part. I wrote this section the day after we facetimed and I asked him to hear me out. He was so cold, and he completely told me he just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. That’s the day I decided that I needed to do this on my own and move on.

    “Dear X,

    I am writing this to you because I need to get closure and let go. There’s a lot of stuff I feel I never got to say, and you were so stubborn the few times we talked that you were done hearing me say it. So I’m writing it down, I think it’ll help. I’ll probably go through all these different emotions as I write this, I’ve been a rollercoaster these past few weeks. So here it goes. You put me through so much shit.. but I only have myself to blame for that as I let you. I should’ve known when to walk away, but I was so caught up in feeling like hanging out with you, talking to you, dating you just felt right. I’ve never felt that before.. the feeling of “I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing with someone else.” Why I felt that with you? I don’t know, and it was so weird because you’d always bring up your deja vu and talk about how you just felt like it felt right because you’ve lived it before. I never brought up how it felt for me, as I kind of used what you would say as words of comfort whenever I felt like I didn’t want to try with you anymore. And I felt that, maybe like 2 or 3 times throughout our time together. I felt it when I first started dating you.. you were so refreshing and you just wow, you would lighten up my moods, my days. I didn’t want to let that be, because I wanted to be selfish and keep living my life only worrying about myself. You had me though, and it took me much longer to realize that. I felt like quitting once more the day after you asked me to be your girlfriend, and well I won’t get into that. It’s like I had this whole idea inside my head of you, that you were just different and that you really cared, and maybe you did, but what we went through that day, or at least what I went through that day, felt like I was falling from the top of a mountain. I should’ve walked away the, I should’ve listened to the red flags, but I didn’t. The second time I felt like walking away was on New Years. I realized how much I cared about you right before that and well seeing (girl he cheated on me with) show up made me feel like maybe you hadn’t changed, or that you had been hiding something from me. Now I know I was right. The last time I felt like I wanted to walk away was when I found out you had cheated on me. Don’t think I’ve experienced heartbreak like I did that day. I’ve never been cheated on, so I didn’t know how to react. I had the expectation that you would respect me enough to not do that to me. I see now that I was wrong, and although it pains me, I’m glad I found out. I’ve passed it around in my head over and over again, and all I can say with 100 % certainty is that I would not want to end up with someone who is willing to hurt me the way that you did. ”

     

    Thanks,

    Alejandra

     

    #348644
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Yes. It has been super rough, but I definitely need to work on my self-esteem, and for me, at least at this time, I don’t want to go looking for attention from other guys to “help” with that, as I feel it will only be a temporary thing. I am using this lockdown for self-improvement, that way when all this calms down and I can start up my routines again, I don’t feel scared to be me, and scared to give things a chance either (I’ve been struggling a bit with this). I’ve felt paranoid that cheating, lying, and disrespect will follow me into a new relationship (when the time comes of course, I’m not looking to do that, I want to heal.)

     

    And you’re right, I will try to go about the day like it’s just another day. I am going to prepare and mute all his family’s social media too, because I know if I see something I will cave. I was thinking of sharing the letter that I wrote him on here and you can analyze it as much as you want. I will post it in a bit.

     

    Thanks,

    Alejandra

    #348476
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think yesterday when I found out I was in such a confined mind bubble that I just felt so hopeless and heartbroken.. right now I am feeling sad, but I am also feeling grateful because I was able to remind myself of the way he was when we were together and the real reason why we broke up. He couldn’t respect me then, and I cannot expect him to work on himself and suddenly be fixed. I myself have had things I’ve had to work on to improve myself and become better, but sometimes it took months, sometimes it took years. But you’re right, people tend to choose what is easier. I’ve done it before.

    Whatever the reason for him doing that, I need to try to let it be and let go of the action, otherwise I’ll get caught up in my head and that doesn’t usually end well.

    I actually really like that you analyze what I am writing.. it makes me go back to my thoughts and realize why I’ve said certain things and how I truly feel about it. Thank you for letting me vent. I had been struggling a bit, since his birthday is coming up. I had bought his gift about a month ago, and due to the virus, I got my money back so I no longer have to worry about that, however, part if me wants to reach out to him, but also part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to feel anxious, if he doesn’t reply, or if he’s short (which I feel he would be). He has texted me a few times since I decided to not talk to him again, so it makes sense that now that I reach out, he wouldn’t want to hear from me.

    Thanks

    Ale

    #348406
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I have been doing well overall. I did however cave and went onto his social media. I saw he added back some girls he had stopped talking to and unfriended while we were together. It kind of hit me hard knowing that he’s back to his old ways. I think a part of me was hoping that he might be trying to use this time to work on himself or something. Sometimes I feel super ridiculous trying to always see the good in people. I guess I’m feeling angry more than anything right now. Not that I wanted us to get back together (well a part of me did) but I think it just stings a bit that he’s out there going back to other girls and old habits. I know there’s positive ways of looking at this but I am just struggling to really focus on all of that.

     

    I just wanted to come on here and vent. I don’t want to feel this way. Today feels like it’ll be rough, it’s already affecting my focus on work. I just want to fast forward to a place where I’ve accepted what happened, learned from it, and healed. I think I just feel like I just ran into a wall and I am struggling to see the open door to keep moving. I know there’s going to be hurdles.. but wow I am feeling the sadness, anxiety, and anger all over again. I’ve muted him from everything. I can’t see his stuff and he can’t see mine. I started feeling like I wanted to post things just so he would see. I’ve stopped that, it’s not healthy for me, and whether or not he’s struggling, I wouldn’t wish that feeling of seeing the other person doing well and it crushing me on anyone, even him.

     

    #346980
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hi again,

    I ended up writing my letter how you suggested.. I’ve yet to go back and read it, but it definitely gave me some relief to be able to write down everything I was feeling. I decided to cut off all contact with him. It has been rough, but I don’t feel like a huge emotional rollercoaster. It has been a week and a half since I last spoke to him. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy and doing things I enjoy. It has been a bit rough, being so that I’m stuck at home. I have been able to keep myself put together for the most part. I don’t feel the urge to text him, right now I actually don’t think I even want to talk to him.

    Over the last week and a half he has contacted me twice, I didn’t respond. Yesterday, some of our friends who we used to dance salsa with started a group chat with us. He responded, but I tried my hardest not to, and didn’t. I know the best way to avoid those moments and feeling nostalgic would be to block him. I don’t think I am there yet. Maybe it’s just my heart in denial, maybe I feel too emotionally exhausted to put myself through more sadness and anxiety. Yesterday was super rough, I cried the whole time in the shower, and later in the evening I cried for about two hours. It started with missing him, but transitioned into how he treated me and what I had to go through in the relationship.

    <div class=”ipsQuote_contents ipsClearfix” data-minimizedquotewashere=”1″>

     

    </div>

    I hadn’t mentioned this but I was having so much trouble sleeping, however these past few days I started to sleep a bit better. I still struggle to fall asleep, but my sleep is now continuous. I manage to get around 5 6 hours of it. I also started eating a bit more, as I have lost around 10 pounds in the last few weeks. I think that means I am slowly healing. I am still having feelings of wanting to ask him to reconsider, him breaking up with me totally crushed my self-esteem. I know this relationship wasn’t healthy for me, I of course still love him, I think I need time or closure or to be able to leave my home once again. Being stuck at home during this quarantine makes me feel I am stuck with my thoughts and feeling this way, I don’t know how to explain it. Anyway, I was reading other people’s posts on here, and realized a lot of people are going through similar or worse things than me. I also saw people revisiting after years and sharing how they are doing now. It was so refreshing to see that they overcame their struggles and that time really heals wounds. It’s only been a bit over two weeks for me, so it’s fresh. I still cry and have super bad days full of anxiety, but I am waking up every day and getting through the days with all I have to offer right now.

    #346088
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello,

    I ended up doing something kind of bad, but I texted my ex a few days ago. We later FaceTimed and talked about what we had been up to. I ended asking him if his decision was still the same. He told me that he still thought us breaking up was the best choice. He still seemed upset about the whole situation. He told me that he was hurting too, that I was everything he has ever wanted, but that he had messed up by cheating on me and that’s something that he had to live with. He also said that it wouldn’t work out, just that it wouldn’t work right now. I am super hurt by what happened, and he is super hurt from me trying to control him and our fight getting physical before we broke up. I started talking out of panic, telling him that I was having a really hard time and I just needed him to hear me out. At one point, we started going back and forth and bringing up certain details that happened that night that he seemed to not remember well. I told him I was hurt by what he was saying and he told me that we shouldn’t talk about the past and try to let go of what happened. He was pretty upset at this point and I felt a bit of a panic attack coming. I asked him to stay on the phone and he said that he was done talking for the night. He told me he had been trying to be there for me, to just relax and try to get some rest. He hung up.

    His reaction to everything had me triggered. Like he didn’t care, or he didn’t want to hear all this again. I didn’t cry that night, but the next day it kind of just hit me like a wave. I’ve been on a wave of emotions the last couple of days. I decided to not talk to him again, I am hurt and talking to him doesn’t help. I cut contact and wrote out a letter that helped ease my mind. I’ve been sitting on it for a bit. I’ll decide in a few days whether or not I want to share that with him.

    He reached out to me yesterday.. asking how I was doing. I didn’t reply. It sounds crazy for me to think he does love me because he cheated on me, but I truly think he cares. Which would explain why he is reaching out and has been since we broke up. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing though. I know there’s too much pain for things to work out between us right now. I need to heal and move forward, so I am going to try to stick to not talking to him.

    I’ve been taking my dogs for walks and it helps, I’ll listen to some music that helps clear your mind, that’s been good for me. I do struggle, like I mentioned before with keeping the bad thoughts out of my head. I’ll randomly miss him, feel the urge to text him, sometimes I also think into the future and I feel afraid. I think that’s normal, but it has really kept me unmotivated, Even with work, I do work most of the day throughout the week, and I’m on auto pilot. I know it’s a feeling of numbness but wow it’s made it difficult to try to feel relief in working and doing other things, even simply watching some television.

     

    Thanks for hearing me out!

    #345768
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello,

    I realize the way that sounded was a bit intense. I meant that I lost it during my relationship. I was doing crazy things, like checking his location, asking him too many questions if I felt suspicious. I usually am not the kind of person to doubt and worry, but I wanted so badly to believe that our relationship would grow that I never stopped to give myself time to heal and decide whether or not I would be able to forgive him. I think I can, and I probably should to let go. People aren’t perfect they will always make mistakes. It’s how the choose to act after those mistakes that show whether or not they want to do right, be better, etc.

    I have been having a rough time sleeping. I also have my up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I usually wake up with that feeling of despair, knowing that part of my life is gone. Some days I feel hopeless and I cry a lot, other days I feel okay. It’s tough living through all this and not being able to leave home. I feel like I am always in my thoughts and can’t escape them. it might be good, as I am the kind of person that buries themselves in work when grieving, but I guess it’s just new to me and I’ve been struggling to understand it.

    #345728
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello,

    Yes, there’s stuff that I feel like I need to get off my chest. I know a lot of people talk about closure in the sense that it is not needed, or at least the ones I’ve discussed it with, but I do feel closure brings me a lot of peace and clarity. So I’m going to write it all down, share it on here and sit on it for a week.

     

    Yes, I am afraid of that. If I’m being honest, I feel like I kind of lost my mental stability in this relationship because I let my emotions (love, fear, disappointment) take over my actions.

     

    And in my past relationships.. I guess my first one was difficult because it was new to me. I wanted freedom and he wanted me to compromise and prioritize him in my life. So I did. And at first it was tough to get through, but I slowly started enjoying having someone I could lean on. It was nice, but he leaned on me too and he has always had a lot of issues with his mental and even physical health. It got to a point where I felt like I was just there to take care of him and I always wondered who was taking care of me. It ended after being off and on for a good while. The funny thing is, I do talk to that ex of mine. He went through so much pain that I lived through with him. We didn’t talk for almost 3 years, and now we are actually decent friends. The other one was just bad timing. He was in the military and was set for deployment, so almost a year into the relationship, he left and I told him I couldn’t put myself through that. We didn’t talk throughout his deployment (a year). He ended up coming back earlier than expected and we tried to rekindle things, but it just wasn’t there anymore.

    #345646
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Anita,

    I will look into writing it down and I will share it on here. I think the biggest thing for the purpose of the letter is forgiveness. I feel like I need to forgive everything that he put me through in order for me to let go of all this anger and negative emotions. I really think that it will help me heal in a healthier way. When I have it written, I will share it with you thank you.

     

    And this is the first time I get cheated on in a relationship. It’s only my third serious relationship, and while I had issues in my past two relationships, infidelity was never one of them. I think I am scared I won’t deal with these insecurities well if I start to date again. I really lost myself, I became a paranoid person, constantly looking for mistakes, focusing on details, and missing the big picture. It made me very controlling and insecure, and I am afraid that that’s something I’ll struggle with a lot in the future.

    #345624
    Alejandra
    Participant

    We had our last conversation last night and it made me realize that it’s not worth it. However, I was unable to say a lot of things that I wanted to say to him. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m the kind of person that needs closure to move on. I was thinking about writing out a letter and sitting on it for a week. If I still feel the things I wrote are important to share with him then I will send it. Right now I just need to feel what I have to feel. I’m not feeling hopeless, just sad, and afraid of what’s to come.

    #345566
    Alejandra
    Participant

    Hello,

    Yes, it helps a lot to hear from you. And you are right, I definitely have been feeling some sense of relief because he is no longer able to hurt me in that way. And it is also good that I was able to get out of it early on, even if initially it wasn’t my decision. You are right about the betrayal. I barely started thinking about that these past two days. I can’t just bend myself over and over again for someone who is okay with disrespecting me like that. I am currently feeling all of this pain, heartbreak, betrayal, and that is what has me feeling hopeless, trying to fight for something that isn’t right. I know that this is the right choice, I am just having such a hard time dealing with my emotions and trying to heal in the best way possible. I know it takes time, I think I’m just trying to reach out for some support, some advice, anything. This whole situation with lockdowns has left me stuck at home unable to escape my house or my feelings and I feel like I’m having a hard time dealing with all that.

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