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breakup, cheating, bad fight, just looking for advice?

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  • #352412
    anita
    Participant

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #352482
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alejandra:

    Good to read from you again!

    Let’s see what happened recently: in the last few weeks you had no contact with your ex, stopped watching his social media posts,  and you recovered nicely from the breakup: focused on work, socialized with friends, enjoyed your dogs, and you found yourself waking up looking forward to things.

    Having recovered nicely, the anxiety and anger subsided, and when you talked to him, you were able to have a “super light and friendly.. having such comfortable conversation with him.. a bit nostalgic” start of a conversation. As you became aware that you were feeling comfortable and nostalgic with a man who not long ago hurt you so badly, you were alarmed (“it was too much.. a bit too much information”).

    Let’s look back a bit at what you shared starting March 26, I paraphrase and add quotes: six months into this relationship, you “honestly felt things were going great, trust was growing, the bond between us was growing, we were having a wonderful time.. there was real love there”. During that time, you spent a lot of your time on top of a figurative mountain, enjoying the view of the valley below, taking in the most refreshing, clean air imaginable, happy!

    And then you fell off that mountain in one day (“what I went through that day, felt like I was falling from the top of a mountain”)- it was the day you saw him with the woman in his truck. You then spent some time at the bottom of the mountain where there were sharp rock and mud,  it was difficult to walk on that rugged land and the air was not fresh at all. You then tripped on a rock (the night of the big fight leading to him breaking up with you) and fell again, crushed in the fall (“him breaking up with me totally crushed my self esteem”).

    How it felt to fall off the top of the mountain: “I went crazy and started yelling and asking why he was with her.. I was so hurt… I wanted him to hurt the way he had hurt me… I don’t know how to deal with all this pain.. heartbreak, betrayal.. feeling hopeless.. lost myself, became a paranoid person, constantly looking for mistakes.. controlling and insecure.. wake up with that feeling of despair”.

    But once in a while you remember how it felt on top  of the mountain and you then “randomly miss him, feel the urge to text him”, and most recently, after your recent talk with him, this emotional memory of being on top  of the mountain has left you “feeling a bit confused”, that was yesterday.

    And now, my input: If you were to resume a relationship with him, that mountain is lost to you. That mountain is lost to you no matter how you proceed. Accepting this fact will help you heal and recover further.

    It reminds me of the story of Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. Once they were kicked out of the garden, that happily-ever-after place, they (we, humanity) can never go back. We imagine that we can (heaven, the after-life version of the garden of eden), but we can’t. This happily-ever-after is a feeling, not a place.

    This feeling is that of a child feeling safe with her parents, feeling that she can accomplish anything and everything in life-  a child needs this motivation so to grow up, so to accomplish all the tasks involved in growing up.  When we find ourselves in love, as adults, I suppose it motivates us to do the difficult tasks of grown ups, such as raising children.

    For your mental health, for mine, for anyone’s, we better stop hoping to get back up there to that top of that feeling mountain (aka garden of eden aka heaven). We can look for another mountain or mountains, Reality Mountains, they won’t feel as wonderful, but they will feel much better than a lifetime spent trying to go back to that particular mountain, the feeling mountain.

    Specifically, in your case, it would mean the following: the possibility of going back to the feeling mountain with your ex or with any man is not available to you. You can at best have a moment here, a moment there feeling on top of that mountain, but way more moments spent in despair at the bottom of that mountain. What is available for you are other mountains with tops not as great, but bottoms not as bad. A.. Moderation Mountain, an MM, call it. You can make your MM a pretty pleasant place. Question is: who do you want on your MM: your ex or another man you haven’t yet met?

    anita

     

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