Hi Tee,

I agree with what Anita has said. I also want to point out how I think sometimes, without thinking about it, we sort of expect people to respond how we would respond or how we would want them to respond, and when they don’t, that becomes an unmet expectation, which feels like a big let down. That’s probably why you feel so disappointed by his lack of reaction and not warm and safe. One way to fix this is to realize that he isn’t you. He’s also not female. Men and women respond to things differently in general. Men are fixers and less emotional/empathetic in general. This can makes them good listeners, though. He’s shown this by listening to your story about your family, but he likely didn’t offer advice or consolation because he may just not have known what to say or do.

So in other words, get your expectations in check. He’s going to respond to things how he responds to things, and from the sounds of it, he responds to things in the way a majority of guys I know also do.

Also, everyone shows love differently. Have you read about the 5 love languages? You two may have different types, and it may be good to read up on those so you can understand how he shows you he loves you. You are looking for him to show you he loves you in YOUR love language, not his, while he’s been showing you in his own language, not yours. It’s basically just a miscommunication. So learn to communicate in that way, and it will likely help a lot.

Also, 2 hours of dedicated time is way too long. People are busy and Anita’s right about that taking a lot of energy. I’d have to turn that down if I were dating someone that asked that of me, too, because I have neither the time in the day nor the energy. I think you also shouldn’t assume that he doesn’t miss you in the way that you do. He could miss you just as much or more and just not show it. A lot of men aren’t very vocal about their feelings. They tend to internalize them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. So I bet he’s right… if he shows how he feels in the 3D world, it likely WOULD be better if you lived together, and it might be worth seeing your relationship through for it to get to that point, as long as he treats you well and you’re compatible overall.

Anyway, seeing a therapist will likely help a lot. I’ve seen one regularly for the past couple years and have been able to heal a lot of pain from my past and it’s helped me through situations in the past couple years that I might not have handled well if I hadn’t had the help. Talking to someone really helps you gain a lot of perspective. I would recommend it to anyone. The key is to find a therapist that you connect with and really feel good about talking to, so don’t be afraid to switch if you don’t find the right one at first.