Hey both.

Great timing @Adelaide, I was literally just replying to Genie & then your awesome isodate update came in! I can tell how well it went just by the enthusiasm bursting through your writing 🙂 I did laugh at us being a cheerleading squad – being more than a bit of a tomboy it’s not a natural image for me 😉  But so long as I don’t need to wear a frilly skirt I’m honoured and so happy to hear it went so well. Perhaps we get t-shirts ?!?  It’s also so cool to hear how far you have come in, both in terms of your ex and even better in being able to see the anxious thoughts for what they are, just thoughts, not reality.  Absolutely, the more you do something you find scary, it becomes less unknown and the fear reduces as you see it for what it really is.  That’s why all the thinking in the world is no good without action and vice-versa.

Thanks both for celebrating my news, it is a huge weight off indeed. And just in time for my partner & I to celebrate our 20th anniversary tomorrow – how crazy is that, 20 years somehow…flies by I tell ya!

You are bang on how I think about the illusion of control too.  It’s a sticking plaster for anxiety and bizarrely it’s only when you give it up that the anxiety truly disappears. I’ve had many many times fighting to deny that, trust me! It’s one of the reasons I’m so into travel – it constantly challenges you to accept and deal with changes/challenges. Alongside all the fun stuff obviously..!  Once you accept you can’t control anything but yourself and your own choices/actions it’s actually really empowering, not scary, I’ve found anyway. Again, the more you do it, the easier it becomes as your mind learns to trust this new behavior more than the old anxious behavior.

@Genie.  It’s hard isn’t it, when you feel like you aren’t good enough for someone. And it doesn’t matter how many times someone tells you different if you don’t believe it yourself. I used to struggle with this one big time, being very needy for a lot of assurance. Two things made the big difference for me. One, I realised that I needed to be brave enough to be myself, to show my real self to the world, not who I thought they wanted me to be. It’s hard when you’ve been brought up by an anxious people-pleaser, it’s second nature to try to be what people want. But that just means that when they like/love you, you don’t really feel it – instead it’s just that they are liking/loving the image of you.  That’s why I know Jay is good for you as you can be yourself with him – which has taken huge courage on your part so give yourself some credit for that.  The second one that helped me was the one on control/courage. Each time you do something out of your comfort zone, you grow a little. You get more confidence in being able to do so again. You have a wider, deeper life and you aren’t dependent on peoples responses to be happy or not.  You trust yourself and in doing so, you are able to free those tight reins of control without losing control of yourself. So whilst the thing with Jay is going well and that’s awesome – remember this is really about your whole life, your health, family, friends, work – Jay is just one part of it. A fun, exciting possibilities part for sure but you get what I mean here I know. You’re smarter than you think and have great self-awareness. I know it’s tough but start to believe in yourself and be proud of how far you have come already.  Keep taking those small steps forwards into what scares you and see yourself sitting with the stress, dealing with it and then seeing it turn out ok. Practicing in non-Jay related areas of your life will make it so much easier as you get used to it.

Take care both, I  won’t be around tomorrow since we’ll be out and about celebrating here – well, as far as allowed in quarantine! )