Dear anita,

thank you for your replies, always. You did not give up on me when I felt very low and had felt that everybody else had given up on me and judged me and seen me as worthless.

I think I have learnt a lot about myself in the past year and am now less confused. The feelings of worthlessness are still there and come up sometimes. I can still have bad days and feel depressed and ashamed. But I understand better now.

At the moment, I think it is best for me to just focus on the small things that make me feel and function better. Focus on finishing my studies, also hopefully my work again soon. Besides that, go for walks, dance, cook, journal, do things that make me feel more o.K. In the past days I had self-depreciating thoughts again, but today I went for a walk and cleaned up a bit, so I feel better now.

Relationships are still very hard for me. Sometimes I think I should go out there and make new connections, sometimes I still tell myself it’s best to stay alone, so at least I cannot hurt or bother anyone. I can see that exactly this way of thinking causes problems.

Like you said, my inner critic makes it all so much more complicated. Without this self-depreciation, I would probably be a normal, even likable person. Without all his self-doubt, I would probably be more at ease around people, things would feel more natural. But I am always questioning and criticizing myself, and yes that is also exhausting for me.

My relationships with people are also not very balanced. I have a strong wish to be there for others.In the past I really tried my best to be a good friend, helped friends with moving, go to their events and so on… But on the other hand, sometimes I haven’t contacted people (except for my best friend and parents) for months. It is no wonder that I lost friends… I have two sides inside me: one prefers to be alone, the other really needs connections. I hope that I will be able to find more balance in relationships in the future.

Basically, I know in which direction to go: I wrote it in my conclusions above.

In the last days the loneliness got to me a bit, so I was overthinking again. When I was young, I was always the outsider and so I told myself that I don’t need anyone. In the past years I found out that it is not true and I wish to have a small group of close friends and a meaningful loving relationship. But I also believed that I don’t even deserve someone who loves me. And I didn’t even know myself! So no wonder that it didn’t work out.

I better stop now. At least I know some tools now how to feel better. I should stick to those and not think so much.

How are you doing? Are you still going for your walks? Hope you are o.K. during these times!