Dear Anita

There was a seagull in the parking lot of restaurant where I help my parents out at this morning and it was eating bread. I waved at it and the seagull started walking a few paces toward me and with its swaying gait it looked like it was dancing and it made me laugh. I have been wondering if it would be better if I chose a career path that allowed me to be more in nature because I love connecting with nature, I always feel like I find myself again after feeling stressed being out in nature and I love feeling the wind blowing through me like it’s blowing away my sorrows. But I have been studying Biochemistry for three years and I just feel lost because I just don’t know if I have a definite career path for me. The anxiety and gender dysphoria makes me feel like I’m constantly trying to let go of myself and not really here at times which makes it hard to focus on things. Lately I’ve been having some panick attacks where I’m just crying and shaking because I just don’t know where I’m going even though I know that I love nature, wicca, and creative sciences but it just seems like other than that I just don’t have anything. And then I find myself lost in my thoughts of anxiety being afraid of myself and to escape those thoughts I start to work out a lot until I start to see shadows in my vision (I like to work out in the dark because it makes me feel less self-conscious) and sometimes the shadows seem like dark entities that will pull me under and I will pass away so I work out more until the shadows fade and I feel lightheaded and there are times when I pass out. After I wake, I look around the room and it seems like I see lights flickering in my vision and I tend to think that I am going into the light dissolving. And I find myself looking at memories of myself flash through my mind like a life review and I find myself feeling like it would just be better to just let go and just fade away.