Dear Puppo:

I understand, you shared about a previous relationship: an ex and you lived in the same city some time ago, and you “were so connected and in love with” him, but at one point he didn’t trust you, the two of you were angry at each other,  and you moved to a new city.

Seven month after that separation/ three weeks ago, he contacted you. Sitting in your balcony most recently, you “broke down while missing him.. I started thinking how much I loved him and how much we enjoyed, laughed.. Did everything together”, and you were upset about the fact that back then he did not trust you (“the only question in my mind was why didn’t he trust me???”)

Two days ago you watched “Dear Zindagi”, the movie.

* The movie is about Kaira, living in Mumbai, a promising cinematographer who wishes to direct her own films. At one point she broke up with her childhood sweetheart for a film producer, but he then got engaged to another woman. Her landlord evicted her from her apartment because the building association wants to rent apartments to married couples only. In addition to these events, she was dissatisfied with her work, so she moves out of Mumbai to Goa.

In Goa, she lives with her parents with whom she has issues. She doesn’t sleep well and is unhappy and uncertain, so she sees a therapist, Dr. Jehangir “jug” Khan, for her insomnia, trying to understand herself. She also meets a musician, Rumi, and falls in love with him, but they break up before anything serious can happen. At home, Kaira has an outburst at a family get-together, where she confronts her parents about them abandoning her for years at her grandparents’ home. She finally tells the story of her abandonment to Jug, who tells her that she fears abandonment so much that she does not allow herself to commit in relationships, leaving before they can leave her.

Kaira tells Jug that she likes him, and tells her it’s normal for a patient to feel this way for her therapist, and that he likes her too, in a non-romantic way, as his patient, and a relationship will not be possible. The two share a hug before Kaira leaves. At the premier of the short film she finally completes, she meets a furniture designer and life moves on.

— Back to you, Puppo:  you wrote that in one scene the therapist, Jug, says to Kaira: “Why suffer alone, let the other person know about it”, so you contacted the previous ex the night before and asked him why he didn’t trust you, and he said that it’s not that he didn’t trust you, but that he was “just angry etc.” The next day you’ve been thinking about the conversation of the night before, “unintentionally waiting for his text.. Or what he may bethinking..?”

You then asked me: “How is it  possible that I went from move on to thinking about him so much.. and missing him even though I have moved on from him.. What is your thinking about it?”

The answer is in your short post yesterday regarding the recent ex: “I have broken up with him.. And I’m feeling better.. I have no guilt.. But I’m feeling empty in this lock down.. I have nothing to do … Feeling hopeless.. Low energy“-

– Feeling empty, you  needed something to fill you up; feeling bored, you needed something to engage your mind and heart; feeling hopeless, you needed hope; feeling low energy, you needed a pick up, something to energize you. So, you focused on the previous ex.

Let’s look at Kaira in the movie: her ex got engaged to another woman, she had to leave her apartment, her work wasn’t going well, so she felt down. What did she do? Move to Goa so to feel better. But she doesn’t feel better at her parents’ home, so she goes to a therapist so to feel better. She feels better but also lonely, so  she gets infatuated with her therapist hoping to feel better in a relationship with him.

When people are lonely, bored, depressed, hopeless etc., they look for a solution, for something or someone new (or old) to pick them up, to make them feel better,  energized and alive! This is why you started focusing on the previous ex.

Be aware that it is normal human nature when feeling down, to look for something or someone to make you feel better. Be aware as well that who you contact to feel better is important: do not contact just anyone. Be selective: if you contacted your most recent ex, that would have been a mistake because he would drag you down, not pick you up!

When you feel down, looking for a solution, so to feel up, it is the time to make wise decisions, to choose a solution that is likely to make you feel better, not a solution that will make you feel worse, and create more of a problem, instead of a solution.

* I was wondering, did you relate to Kaira in the movie as far as having issues with her parents, particularly being abandoned by your parents in some form?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .