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Guilty or not?

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  • #353476
    Puppo
    Participant

    Hallo Everyone..

    I am 24 (female).. I am so stressed about my situation and couldn’t understand where to find answers of my confusions nd issues…

     

    Uts all about my relationship with my bf (33 yrs old). I have Broken up with him twice.. HeFirst time in 2013 after 2 yrs of relationship nd second time 2016 after 2-3 months of LDR and both times the reason behind it was i fall out of love…

    Now after almost 2 years we are in relationship again from mid January 2020 and i have this feeling this relationship coming to its end again… I fall out of love but i dont knw what to do… I m already very guilty about breaking up twice.. I don’t know how out of sudden i fall out of love but I was missing smthing in my relationship…

     

    From last one month i was feeling as if i m nt in a relationship nd he isnt my bf or we are just normal friends Because i was just done with him… From start whenever we talked there was nothing serious about his side… All he talk about is comedy movies scenes, his travelling, and just joke around… Nothing about us, not sharing anything about himself not about our future, nothing romantic or asking me anything serious about my life,it started to frustrate me alot.

    There was alot of times when he used to call me nd start talking funny nd i couldn’t laugh i started feeling bored… I wasnt being emotional connected as there was nothing to ralk about. .  I m sorry if i m being mean here but when u love someone nd that person is ur patner we want to share every single thing about ourselves. But i dntnt know anything about him tbh… I dnt know what he think, his fears, good or bad memories, what makes him happy or sad, what he likes in me, about his future plans…. He isnt verbally affectionate, he doesnt talk romantic stuff, he doesn’t get jealous at all… One of my colleagues dropped me at 3am at home as there was no transport… He dint ask me anything about it nor he askd who was that person (male, or female) i mean i want that my bf should be a bit possessive about me ( am i really being dramatic here???)

    Actually in January before entering into relationship i said sorry for breaking up wd him nd he was okey. He said thts not problem jor he asked a reason about break up nothing at all… He was acting so sweet nd was saying very nice things… From few days he was very dismood even before 3 days he had his birthday nd i wishd him he ignored my messages nd again i wishd him thn he said i shouldnt wish him on birthdays bcz while we were broken up he used to wait whole year of his birthday nd i dint wish him.. So he said me not to wish him on his birthdays because it makes him remember everything which i did to him… He meant break up…thn next day he askd me why did i do ths to him ( break up) … He wants answer.. The way he asked me ths i was shattered i couldn’t understand what he means by that….

    I gave his number to my sis because she wanted to talk to him… And their conversation turnd into a fight… Out of no where… She said alot of stuff to him nd he was doing same.. It was just start of our talking when i asked him to please sort out this matter wd ma sister because she means alot to me… My sister had his very bad impression.. He went nd sorry to my sis after that they never talked but yesterday he told me that bcz of me he went to say sorry to my sister… Nd he feels ths a insult… Nd he thinks i made him do that… It hurted me alot….

    He talkd about break up he made me feel so guilty i just wanted to cry at tht moment… I felt i m the cruel person on ths earth fr doing ths to him… No i m just stressing out…

     

    I m just so confused what should i do… He doesn’t show any love but he wants me to understand his actions that he loves me.. Nd about break up he makes me feel so guilty that how could i break up wd him? He only loved me in his life but i broke up eetc….

    Ii dont knw how wrong or right i m here… But i broke up wd him bcz i dint feel tht he loves ot care about me… I dont know why i feel our relationship is so fucking complicated… Smtimes i just want to break up but thn the guilt start killing me… Nd guilt of hurting him who thinks i m his life…I dont knw…..

     

     

     

     

    #353594
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Puppo:

    You are 24 and he is 33. Your relationship started in 2011 when you were 15 and he was 24 (?). You broke up with him in 2013 and in 2016 because you fell  out of love with him both times. Recently you fell out of love with him again. You sometimes feel bored with him (“I started feeling bored”), emotionally disconnected (“I wasn’t being emotionally connected”).

    You wrote that you “don’t know what he think, his fears, good or bad memories, what makes him happy or sad.. his future plans”, You don’t even know what he likes in you, you wrote.

    And you wrote that he never talks to you about the two of you, about a future for the two  of you, never shares anything about himself, that he “isn’t verbally affectionate, he doesn’t talk romantic stuff.. One of my colleagues dropped me at 3 am at home.. He didn’t ask me anything about it nor he asked who was that person.. He doesn’t show any love”-

    I want to understand better, therefore I ask:

    1. You and him have been in a relationship since 2011, in person (not online), beginning with you being 14 and him 23?

    2. During the relationship he never said anything like: I like you/ I love you/ I like spending time with you, and did he ever take you to a movie or a restaurant (a date)?

    3. You listed the things you don’t know about him. You do  know his age, and you know that he likes “comedy movie scenes.. travelling, and just jokes around”. Is there anything else that you know about him, anything at all?

    anita

     

     

    #353598
    Puppo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for your response.

    As u asked me some questions i m going to replying u one by one.

    You and him have been in a relationship since 2011, in person (not online), beginning with you being 14 and him 23?

    So we both were mostly on texts and call.we were living in same city and.we used to meet once in every 1-2 months in one ice cream shop near my house… Nd 2 times in restaurant nd once we went to a beach… It was 2013 when we last met… But he wasnt affectionate in person too.. Once i tried to touch him for the first time. I was touching his finger he start making joking  abt it nd laughing at me for finding excuse to touch him. He thought it was funny but not for me ..it hurted me alot but i was always quite… But now he has changed he doesn’t do such things..

     

    During the relationship he never said anything like: I like you/ I love you/ I like spending time with you, and did he ever take you to a movie or a restaurant (a date)?

     

    Ya he tells me he loves me nd like me nd want to live his life with me. Apart from these 2 – 3 things he says nothing..doesnt open up to me..and i stopped opening up my  self to him.. I could never make that emotional connection to him… To tell him my worst experience of my life or whatsoever…. Yes

     

    #353600
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Puppo:

    You wrote earlier: “Its all about my relationship with my bf”- but there is not much of a relationship here. If a relationship is like a cake with two layers and chocolate frosting and raisins, all you have is a raisin.

    “Guilty or not?” you asked. From what you shared, what you are doing wrong is holding on to that raisin instead of planning on a cake!

    A relationship is more than what you had so far with him. Let go of that raisin, there is much more out there for you to experience later, with a different man: sharing thoughts and feelings, plans for the future, knowing each other, appreciating each other, living a full life together.

    anita

     

    #353604
    Puppo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your time…
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>As you said  “there is not much of a relationship here” thats exactly what i was feeling and used to feel..</p>
    Just from last two days he opened himself about our past breakups… That how that breakup devastated him… He said i destroyd his life… He used to ride bike in full speed so that he gets accidents nd die but it wasn’t happening… I was reading his texts i was feeling full of guilts on the other hand i have no feelings left third time too… I dont know how to face it… I feel like i m very cruel person to do this to him… Because he says he only loved me in his whole life, and  i feel bad for him because he isnt flirt nd honest person…

    Ithn i told him that i dont feel as if we are in a relationship.. Because we don’t communicate nd behave like partners we are more like just friends… Then he felt that again a break up is coming nd thn he said he ll open himself to me..etc…nd from yesterday he is talking to me nd sharing talking about our future but i m  not interested i dont Talk to him alot…

    But Anita i dont really care now… If he wanna open himself infront of me or share nd talk about us… I dont have that feelings… They are dead… But i m also devastate nd stressed about breaking his heart  as he thinks i already did very bad to him

    Ji feel guilty now…for hurting him nd hurting him twice…. Now i m hurting tooo…

    How can i break up if he really wanna change now but its too late as my feelings are dead.

    Puppo

    #353606
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Puppo:

    You are welcome. Reading your posts, I am learning about this man: he told you “how that breakup devastated him.. He said it destroyed his life.. He used to ride bike in full speed so that he gets accident and die… I was reading his texts I was feeling full of guilt”-

    He dishonestly manipulated you to feel guilty and he succeeded. A good, honest man will not do what he did. Notice this: he doesn’t bother to make you feel loved; but he bothers to make you feel guilty.

    “I feel like I’m very cruel person to do this to him”- this is what he wanted, the success of his manipulation. But it is not true: it is he who was very cruel to tell you a story which is either untrue or exaggerated, about his riding the bike, for the purpose of you feeling bad.

    You feel guilty about  breaking up with him because you don’t want  him to feel bad; but he doesn’t feel guilty about making you feel bad.

    “But Anita I don’t really care now.. I don’t have that feelings.. They are dead.. I feel guilty now.. I’m hurting too”- remember I said a relationship is like a chocolate cake and all you have is a raisin? Now I say, all you have is a bitter raisin, a raisin that tastes like guilt and hurt.

    Please end this bitter relationship. I don’t like this man. I don’t need  to know anything more about him: his bicycle story is enough for me to see that any more time you spend with him will be more hurt and more guilt. Guilt that you don’t deserve because you did nothing wrong.

    Do break up with him, is my strong suggestion.

    anita

    #353816
    Puppo
    Participant

    Dear Anita…

    Thank you for your last post it just gave me some relaxation by knowing i m not a villain lr a bad person by breaking up with him nd falling out of love because of lack of emotional connection nd communication..

     

    But somehow his efforts nowadays are making me feel bad.. As i told him honestly everything that how i feel in ths relationship he is scared now. He is trying to call me nd text me multiple times.. Trying to ask me about what i like, my friends now… Etc…

    I know this person frm last 8 years nd after 3 months of relationship now he is trying to communicate to me… Trying to make me laugh or telling me his sad story that he laughs all the time but its only showing off… He is not happy inside…

    But the strange thing is he was showing the same “showing off”  i mean laughing nd joking all the time infront of me too…. I never saw  real  him… Nd he never realised ths either.. I dont knw wether these are truth or lie or exaggerated or he is only making me to feel sympathy for him nd stay…

    Talking to him nd watching him to making effort now makes me sad too.. Because i start yo feel he loves mw but why dont i have that love feeling for him… I Start to blame me for feeling ths way nd breaking his heart….

    In last 8 years he never opened himself infront of me nd in 2 days he is very open, interested to know my opinion, interested to know my friends now.. He dint even know my friends or best friend name… Yesterday he came to know… …if it was so easy for him why he never put any efforts for us…or may b he never realised thats important too??

    He sent me poetry today  because he thinks i am angry at him so it was a sad poetry.. I dont remember in whole relationship he ever sent me anything to make me feel loved.. Like a romantic poetry abt missing me or singing a song for me ( even though i asked him almost 100 times to sing for me.. May b its silly to ask for this)

    I m just thinking all day long about ths situation.. And  trying to end ths.

    I m just writing ths all so that i feel a bit better to share… Tht how thinking abt ths all day long is just making me feel depressed nd slow..

    #353824
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Puppo:

    “In last 8 years he never opened himself in front of me and in 2 days he is very open, interested to  know my opinions, interested to know my friends now.. if it was so easy for him why he never put any efforts for us.. or maybe he never realized that’s important too?”-

    – I figure that he didn’t put the effort before because he didn’t feel like it. And I figure he still doesn’t feel  like it, but he is putting the effort so that you will go back to the way you were before and he can then stop making the effort, like before.

    He has the experience of having a non-demanding girl/ young woman in his life. That was convenient for him. Now you want more, so he figures: she is going through a phase of wanting more from me. I’ll give her more, she’ll then relax and go back to the way she was before. And I will go back to the way I was before.

    “I asked him almost 100 times to sing for me” but he didn’t. He didn’t because he didn’t feel like singing to you. If he sings to you  now, it is for the purpose of you not breaking up with him.

    “Guilty or not?” is the title of your thread. His answer to you is: yes, you are guilty, so stay with me! But why is he authority over innocence and guilt, what made him your moral superior, deciding on your innocence vs guilt?

    (I am waiting for your answer).

    anita

    #353830
    Puppo
    Participant

    Halll Anita,

    I cant thank you enough for your precious time..

    Dear As u asked me,

    But why is he authority over innocence and guilt, what made him your moral superior, deciding on your innocence vs guilt?

    If i understood it right than u meant what gave him authority to decide if i m guilty or innocence…

    I would say here that he told me he loved me alot, cared for me, deciding a life for me, wanted to spend his happiness with me but i broke up out of no where… But let me tell u hr never cared if he talked to me or nt, never shared anything…

    When i say him he never showed me love et.. Thnn he replies that why cant i see his actions, i met him 7-8 times i dont remember any thing nd in communication all we did was fight.   But i was guilty of not realising his real love… Wht he tells me which i never saw from his side…

    #353832
    Puppo
    Participant

    But the second time i feel really sorry for him nd somewhat guilty because as our communications started to fade.. It was almost 3 weeks we were nt talking or talking very little… Thn he got a bike accident.   He thn Texted me… I wrote him take care of ur self nd we dint talk alot…

    So day before yesterday he was telling mr that whn he got accident he was having his first aid but  he was asking his friends for balance.  Because he wanted to inform me… Nd thn he added he tried to call me but i dint talk. I dont remember that he calld me i just remember his text which i replied… Nd our contact jst faded…  I dint text him nd He never tried to call me n last 2 yrs fr any explanation or break up nor i did… But i felt guilty tht he had accident nd i wasnt there fr him as i should have been… Bcz in his eyes we were in relationship… Nd fr me tht was ended.

    #353834
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Puppo:

    You are very welcome.

    You understood my question correctly: “what gave him authority to decide if I’m guilty or innocent .. I would say here that he told me he loved me a lot, cared for me.. “-

    – so your answer to my question is that what gave him the authority to decide your guilt or innocence is that he told you things, that he said words to you.

    If that’s all it takes, then.. anyone who can speak will have authority over your guilt vs. innocence. There is nothing easier than to speak, it takes very little energy to open one’s mouths and make sounds and it doesn’t cost any money. A person can say anything without getting tired and often with no consequence. It is easy to talk.

    Let me ask you another question: why is it that you feel that you owe him anything, what did he give you that you feel indebted for?

    anita

    #353882
    Puppo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    As you asked me,

    why is it that you feel that you owe him anything, what did he give you that you feel indebted for?

     

    So  i dont know what to reply you… Some how i feel i owe him because i committed to stay in a relationship… And he has a different mentality… What i came to know about him in past 3 days is, he thinks it doesn’t matter what happens a person should never leave another person…

    Nd i said everyone has their needs… Nd whn these needs doesn’t get fulfilled we start to gradually feel differently.. May be out of love smtimes…. Nd thn he adds, no thats not true as he never the person it doesn’t matter what happens…. Thn i told him “we both see the world differently” …

    Nd let me cme to ur question. So no he did nothing that i owe him anything… He gave me time nd that was mutual….

    Nd i dont remember anything…

    The only thing i liked about him that i thought he straight forward, honest nd not flirt and a good men….. I was never physically attracted to him and we are not emotionally connected either…..

     

     

     

    #353888
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Puppo:

    “he thinks it doesn’t matter what happens, a person should never leave another person”- he believes in owning another person? He believes that he can treat you any way he wants to, and for  some reason you must never leave him?

    “I told him ‘we both see the world differently'”- good thing that you don’t believe in people  owning people!

    “he did nothing that I owe him anything”- good thing: you owe him nothing, he doesn’t own you, so.. you are free, free to not be with him!

    anita

    #353896
    Puppo
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Just now i m talking to him… He is talking emotional things like “would i care if something happens to him ??

    Thn saying he was thinking to write the first letter of my name on his body by burning it…

    Thn he start saying that he was thinking to cut his hand nerves….

    I asked why r u. Thinking like that thn he replies because to show me that he loves…..

    Isn’t it kind of emotional tricks to stop me from breaking up….

    Nd he continuously talking about such things tht if smthing happen to him, would i love him more or will i walk away???

    How to react now… Nd what if he really does such stupid thing…

    He is mature enough to not talk like  Ths  he is 9 yrs older thn me nd i m 24….

    Any suggestions how to face ths situation ir llf he strt emotionally blackmailing me to kill or hurt himself??

     

    #353900
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Puppo:

    “Isn’t it kind of emotional tricks to stop me from breaking up”?

    – yes, it is cruel emotional tricks, aimed at making you feel guilty.

    “How to react now… Any suggestions how to face this situation, if he starts emotionally blackmailing me to kill or hurt himself??”-

    – there is only one correct way to react to his cruel emotional tricks and manipulation: end all  contact with him.

    If you give in to him, if you show him that his tricks work on you, that he successfully caused you to fear for his life and feel guilty, then he will do more of the same, and maybe he will hurt himself just a bit so to make you believe that he is serious about hurting himself and scare you more.

    Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are ending any and all contact with him and that you will never have any contact with him in the future no matter what. And then make sure you back your words with actions, blocking him from your phone and from any other way to reach you.

    This is not a man you want to have a relationship with, not a man any woman should be involved with. Don’t live a life being his prisoner. Set yourself free. Move away from him and stay away from him!

    anita

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