Dear Mary:

Here is your story as I understand it: At 21, you met a 25 year old man at work and liked him. He then contacted you and pursued you, and you fell in love with him(“it was so good like we are a perfect match”).

You went on a few dates with him and next thing, you panicked. Next your in-love feelings for him disappeared (it is what normally happens when fear overwhelms our hearts- loving feelings do disappear for as long as we are too scared).

Next you got scared even more because you don’t understanding how it can be that such strong loving feelings can disappear.

Next, you are still afraid, but less overwhelmed, so some  of those loving feelings return. But the fear is  still there: “worried as to whether he’s really interested in me.. if nothing changed about his feeling for me.. he’s just stringing me along”.

Next you bombard him with questions, such as: are you really interested in me, did anything change, etc. etc. Next you start arguing with him, accusing him of such things as not really being interested in you and stringing you along.

Next, he is overwhelmed with your fear and your anger and wants a break. Next, you feel scared and depressed and miserable: “I cried.. couldn’t go  to work.. couldn’t eat”.

Next, you get back together, but you are still scared, still asking him questions and arguing (?), so he withdraws, and you get even more scared, going “online to search for how  to know if he still loves you”.

You asked: “what do I do”? My answer: you have to relax, to find a way to lessen your fear every hour of the day, every day. There is a website that will help you with that, it’s called headspace. com. It has many guided meditations and mindfulness exercises designed to relax a person, to slow  down that overthinking brain.

Also: take responsibility for your fear and stop asking him the same questions. You are afraid that he will stop feeling love for you, so you ask him too many questions and argue with him, which bring you the result that you fear, because when you interrogate and argue with a person, that person is likely to lose his loving feelings for you!

So stop the interrogations and arguing.

More and more relaxed every day, no longer interrogating him and no longer arguing with him, you will be in a better shape to possibly have a healthy relationship with him, one that will not scare him or you!

anita