May 10, 2020 at 8:49 pm #354324MaryParticipant
Hello pls i need help cuz I’m really confused!
I met this guy at work, and he was new. I’m 21 he’s four years older. Few weeks after he came I started feeling something towards him because he’s nice, smart and all. He’s a good guy but we don’t talk much just greetings and that’s it. Fast fwd, he got my contact from someone and we got talking, it was so good like we are a perfect match, we went out. All these happen so fast and I liked it, he told me how he feels about me, that he has been crushing on me and t loves me already(which i thought was weird)and he wants a relationship and would want it to be long term and yes I made him realize I feel the same way about him too (that I like him , i was crushing too and would love to date him), and then it was official, days after it feels like I lost my feelings for him and this scared me a lot because I want him, it feels like he’s perfect, I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He calls me a couple of times daily, we text and all. So one day something came up and he told me he feels i only like him as a friend and I’m in the relationship so he wouldn’t feel bad. Which isn’t so because I wanted to be in a relationship with him but it feels like my feelings disappeared. I couldn’t be sincere with him because I didn’t want to hurt him and at the same time lose him then I reassured him which made me feel bad, and i wanted my feels back. days after it feels like they are coming back but I was worried as to whether he’s really interested in me because I couldn’t even believe he wanted me, so I asked if nothing has changed about his feelings for me and he said yes and like the third time I asked the same question, he told me he has answering the question for a while and that would make him query his feelings but it feels like and I needed validation and this made me feel like doesn’t like/love me anymore, that he’s just stringing me along. I saw him at work he asked why I was acting weird, I told him he didn’t answer my question and he said he doesn’t want to talk about that at work, that it could lead to arguments, he told me he would call me after work, he didn’t call so I called and he said he’s busy that he would call back. I felt bad for calling but I was eager. So later that night he called, I didn’t answer for a while and when I finally did he explained what he busy with and that he just got home. It lead to arguments because I thought if I was important he would have texted me or something, after the arguments he suggested that we go on a break! I felt so bad, I cried because I didn’t want that to happen, couldn’t go to work the next day and I couldn’t eat also. It felt like I was in jeopardy. He called to ask why I didn’t come to work, I said nothin and in the night, he called again asked if was happy about what happened because he wasn’t and his day went bad, mine was like that too, we got back, been few weeks now and i feel he’s withdrawn, we mostly see at work now (ramadan, we’re both Muslims), he doesn’t call as often but when he does, it puts an end to all thoughts going on in my head, sometimes we don’t have much to talk about, I do most calling now. All these are freaking me out and I’m thinking a lot, I even go online to search for how to know if he still loves you bla bla… He says he miss me tho and doesn’t call often?? but I can’t analyze what’s going on in my head but everything seems normal to him, what do I doMay 11, 2020 at 4:37 am #354430AliceParticipant
I hope you are feeling better today and have a slight break from the thoughts going round in your head about him. I have been there and know how it feels.
From reading your post a few things stood out to me:
1) he is anxious too. It seems odd that he can say he loves you without knowing you. When this happened to me I felt so flattered but also kind of suspicious like hey you dont know me yet and you are talking about love. I dont know the answer here- either he wears his heart on his sleeve so falls in love quickly with people (and can fall out of love also quickly) or he is anxious so wants to push the relationship faster and faster so you dont leave him and he gets what he wants or a third option I haven’t thought of yet. I am sure there are lots of reasons.
2. It is so hard but you cant let your worth depend on him. I think our brains find it so easy to ruminate and ruminate on stuff especially when they get the ‘high’ of him writing back and acknowledging us but thay only temporarily ammends the anxiety until next time or until the phone call ends. I know how hard it is but things like yoga, walking, or distraction can help.
3. I couldn’t believe ‘someone like him’ could love ‘someone like me’. He was this brilliant peacock that walked into my life and I felt like a grey pigeon. But in liking me I felt a million dollars, loved, safe, secure, chemistry etc etc. It was an addictive feeling. But deep down I thought he would leave as I thought I dont deserve a man like him. He was also older (like in your situation) so I almost saw him as this demi God who knew “life” better than me, that had had all this relationship and life experience and I felt like a baby toddling behind him but not actually getting to his level.. which meant that I went out my way to please him.. which when I did felt amazing but when I didnt felt awful. This may not be the case in your situation. All i can say is when he left I had to do the hard work of learning to like myself, learning to have self worth etc which is still ongoing and painful. He was like a short cut to those feelings but couldn’t give me them all the time (and that’s not the basis of a healthy relationship anyway) and so it’s back to square 1.
In terms of advice I would say leave him be and dont message him too much. He may be the kind of guy that likes the chase, and the thrill of it all e.g my guy that left said I was too nice and too emotional, so if you act harder to get and just like on your A game at work and with your hobbies and not wait for him to call he may be like wow this is a strong woman and someone I want to be with (as deep down he feels weak) and is someone who shows they are capable and able to handle stuff.
I may be way off the mark with this but I wanted to share these thoughts as its what came to mind as I read it.
In terms of the thoughts in your head. I would say the headspace app has helped me as has Michael Singer videos and also has learning about my myres briggs personality type as that has helped me have more compassion for myself. Yoga and walking or getting outside has also helped.May 11, 2020 at 4:44 am #354432AliceParticipant
I would also just add if you dont feel like you can be sincere with him as you may lose him maybe he isn’t the one for you e.g what are you scared of? Him going off on the deep end about what you say? Him getting angry and leaving? Him not liking you? Maybe part of the attraction is that this older guy who’s smart and accomplished likes you and that’s awesome so you don’t want to do anything that could jeopardise that.. whilst at the same time you maybe feel confused as deep down you feel like well he doesn’t actually know ME, he knows what he thinks is me (and says he loves that person), so will he still love actually ME?!
Again maybe I am off the mark here. In my situation I would often be scared of telling me true feelings to him as he used to fly off the handle or get upset about little things. I wasnt the best communicator and i was always honest but I think I was probably too honest in some ways and it used to upset him. Deep down I felt a bit scared of him too. Like I couldn’t predict how he would act. I dont mean he would hurt me just like I couldn’t predict how he would react to what I said type thing.May 11, 2020 at 7:58 am #354444anitaParticipant
Here is your story as I understand it: At 21, you met a 25 year old man at work and liked him. He then contacted you and pursued you, and you fell in love with him(“it was so good like we are a perfect match”).
You went on a few dates with him and next thing, you panicked. Next your in-love feelings for him disappeared (it is what normally happens when fear overwhelms our hearts- loving feelings do disappear for as long as we are too scared).
Next you got scared even more because you don’t understanding how it can be that such strong loving feelings can disappear.
Next, you are still afraid, but less overwhelmed, so some of those loving feelings return. But the fear is still there: “worried as to whether he’s really interested in me.. if nothing changed about his feeling for me.. he’s just stringing me along”.
Next you bombard him with questions, such as: are you really interested in me, did anything change, etc. etc. Next you start arguing with him, accusing him of such things as not really being interested in you and stringing you along.
Next, he is overwhelmed with your fear and your anger and wants a break. Next, you feel scared and depressed and miserable: “I cried.. couldn’t go to work.. couldn’t eat”.
Next, you get back together, but you are still scared, still asking him questions and arguing (?), so he withdraws, and you get even more scared, going “online to search for how to know if he still loves you”.
You asked: “what do I do”? My answer: you have to relax, to find a way to lessen your fear every hour of the day, every day. There is a website that will help you with that, it’s called headspace. com. It has many guided meditations and mindfulness exercises designed to relax a person, to slow down that overthinking brain.
Also: take responsibility for your fear and stop asking him the same questions. You are afraid that he will stop feeling love for you, so you ask him too many questions and argue with him, which bring you the result that you fear, because when you interrogate and argue with a person, that person is likely to lose his loving feelings for you!
So stop the interrogations and arguing.
More and more relaxed every day, no longer interrogating him and no longer arguing with him, you will be in a better shape to possibly have a healthy relationship with him, one that will not scare him or you!
anitaMay 13, 2020 at 4:58 pm #354856MaryParticipant
Thank you so much! Dear Alice and Anita, I’m so glad to have someone to talk to about this and replies have been of great help and also, a relief.
@Alice, “In terms of advice I would say leave him be and don’t message him too much” About him calling/texting, things are slowly going back to what I feel is normal
“I would also just add if you dont feel like you can be sincere with him as you may lose him maybe he isn’t the one for you e.g what are you scared of?” what I’m actually scared of is hurting/disappointing him and him eventually leaving as I don’t want to lose him.
“Deep down I felt a bit scared of him too. Like I couldn’t predict how he would act. I don’t mean he would hurt me just like I couldn’t predict how he would react to what I said” I’m not scared of him or how he would react because he’s someone that listens and I think I can actually tell him anything but I really don’t want to hurt him. Really he asked me why I think we’re a dating when I was in one my insecure moment ” the answer should be because we love one another but I couldn’t even say I love him I felt so GUILTY! that i don’t even know If I do but at the same time I don’t want to accept that I don’t because I enjoy being with him, he makes me happy whenever i see him! He doesn’t even need to do anything. yes you can enjoy being with someone as a friend but i believe his is not that type.
@Anita, it exactly as you understand. The thoughts still persist I’m not even sure I love him rn because I feel so much guilt saying the word! Its like “now I’m sure I want to be with next I’m not sure” If I was asked if I love him, I would have to think because I don’t even know anymore but I definitely don’t want to lose him and it feels selfish.May 13, 2020 at 6:12 pm #354860anitaParticipant
“I lost my feelings for him and this scared me a lot… I feel so much guilt saying the word (love).. it feels selfish”-
– it is quite common for girls/ very young woman to feel a strong loving feeling for a guy, next suddenly notice that the loving feeling disappeared, next get scared, as if something terrible happened. Next, the woman focuses on how she feels on and on: do I feel love now? What about now? Why don’t I feel it???
While all along, every single person on the face of the earth experiences, on a regular basis, that which is scaring you so much: everyone who feels love for someone, at times doesn’t feel that love. Even your boyfriend didn’t feel love for you all the time. Most of the time he is too busy or focused on something else, or even if he is not busy and thinking about you, sometimes he doesn’t feel love for you. The difference is that when it happens to him, he doesn’t get scared and he doesn’t worry about it.
Loving feelings are like water flowing on the ground after it rains. It flows for hours or days, and then it dries until it rains again. You can’t hold water in your hands like you would hold a rock, so better not expect to be able to do the impossible.
In addition to fear, you feel guilty for not feeling love for him, as if you were a criminal. And you feel selfish for being with him while not feeling love- while all along he too doesn’t feel loving feelings for you in-between the times that he does.
Does this make sense to you?
anitaMay 15, 2020 at 6:56 am #355136AnkurParticipant
Hello Mary, He is not going anywhere.
See I am a Man, and I am telling you from a male perspective.
He said let us take a break from this all, and give time to ourselves.
So do that, you actually need that. See 5 romantic films in 1 week.
And meet him after 1 week, and discuss these films and other work related stuff.
Don’t talk about relationship. You both have already talked a lot about relationships already.
Talk about fun stuff, and laugh together.
See that will actually give you happy memories and will strengthen the bond between you two.
Everything is normal. Just give time some time.