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Alice

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  • #366804
    Alice
    Participant

    Hello anita,

     

    Thankyou for writing back and sharing your understanding of your journey.

    I realise it is a long path and do get frustrated at times that it isnt faster and I am not fixed or like (insert name of someone I think is wise) on my journey. I also know the feeling of learning things again and again and again until the lesson well and truly is learned and then probably again for good luck. It is very frustrating.

    I also know there are areas in my life that I am not learning actively e.g I feel and often am so lazy and out things off I know I should do but also other people would say I am not lazy and I am busy but I know, left to my own devices, I would struggle to get things done. I seem to go through peaks of great activity and then troughs when everything seems pointless. A small of example of this is my house. At certain times it is very tidy and I keep on top of it all and at other times it starts to slip and I think what’s the point as it always needs tidying again and again. A little example but I think it shows I am easily discouraged and often tired. The kind of tired where sleep and food does not help.

    In terms of childhood beliefs. Do you have any suggestions about changing those or being able to see them as things in the past. For example the one about not being my the child my parents wanted is based on real life fact e.g. they either directly compared me to others and said how I was lacking or kind of implied it so I KNOW that is true. How can you argue with the facts?

    In addition I am very scared of rejection and have been rejected over and over in my life by romantic partners, best friends etc so there is something in me or a behaviour or series of behaviours I do that I cannot yet see objectively or identify that pushes people away and so they leave. Again the belief of “people always leave” is also true as it has happened in my life over and over. I dont know how to deal  or move past beliefs which are true.

     

    At the moment I feel alot of shame and guilt for not living up to my potential at work or in my life. My house isn’t as tidy as I would like, my career isnt as good and I have not yet thought of a good business idea that would allow me to create something of my own making. I often feel like I am bogged down in the detail but dont see the big picture so I do do things e.g volunteering, work etc but it doesnt all fit together in a cohesive way somehow.

     

    I also feel very lonely every day. This makes it hard to be motivated and positive (although I can “put on” those things for a bit e.g  during a work task) as i feel quite negative and angry most of the time.

    I may be going off on a tangent here. These were the things that came to mind today. In terms of the journey. I appreciate it an intellectual sense that it will be long, emotionally I have been frustrated about the length before and the fact that after doing x or y I still feel the same inside. Where do you suggest I go now or start?

    #366754
    Alice
    Participant

    Thankyou Ree. It is good to know in a way that other people feel the same as me, but at the same time its 100% not as I know how awful it feels.

    I am glad you have been able to find religion and something to hold onto to help you through. I do not believe in a religion itself per sea although I have tried to go back to church a few times but I just dont think it resonates with me. I do know people who are religious and it has helped them so hopefully you find comfort and peace in a higher power too.  Thinking of you and sending out good wishes. X

    #366685
    Alice
    Participant

    Hello anita,

     

    Thankyou for writing back and your detailed analysis of my posts. That is exactly spot on. I do feel like I am reliving the past and struggle to motivate myself to do healthier behaviours. For example as a child I was often out of the house. I would either be at my friends and helping them with chores that their family were doing, or volunteering at animal sanctuary. Both of those things meant I was quite busy alot of the time. However when I wasnt volunteering or with my friend (or my friends had not wanted to be friends with me as happened later on in childhood) I used to just sit in my room feeling very very alone and sad. Like huge sad feelings and I wanted to escape those.

    This same pattern happens now. I am either very busy with work or hobbies or if for some reason I’m not busy e.g I’m feeling very unmotivated and sad then I tend to just sit on the sofa or lie in bed and do nothing. I am both hard working at times and very lazy.

    Also as a child I was compared to my richer, more popular, prettier, more talented, socially better next door neigbours, cousin and other children of family friends. I was always found to be less than e.g look at so and so why cant you be like that or see how so and so does that, do you want to do that. Sometimes it wasnt said that obviously it was more just a vibe or feeling I got. Like i wasnt the child my parents wanted to have. They wanted someone better. I also do the same now. Compare my life to others that i know or have heard about and feel like my life isnt any good.

    In terms of not reliving that childhood experience and not doing childhood again, what have you found to be the path forward in your own life?

     

    I very much resonated with the following words you wrote about your experience:

    all the thoughts and emotions I had were not noticed by anyone, which amazed me  because I felt so strongly, and even stronger because no one noticed. It was like living in  a vacuum, a whole world of thoughts, emotions, fears, wants, hopes, desires, a living imagination.. and all of that trapped by a vacuum that surrounded me.

    I like the word amazed as I felt that too. Like it’s like no one ever noticed how I was feeling and my parents would just rather sweep it under the carpet and not know. Or it was turned around e.g “you were always a difficult child” or I was told I was quirky etc and again just not the child they wanted. My feelings or emotions were never ever taken into account. Then I feel guilty now for not liking my parents or wanting to spend time with them.

    In terms of living in imagination, yes that was also an escape.  I read alot of books. I remember crying at the end of one of them as it was about the character having friends and I wanted that too. I tended to be drawn to books with strong families, like the Weasleys in Harry Potter. I just wanted to feel safe in my own family but I know it’s not a safe place.  I also used to pretend I had “friends” that were celebrities or something (in my head I didn’t talk to others about them) but we would have imagined conversations in my head. That lasted for a long while in childhood but not for the past 10 years or so I wouldn’t think.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I felt like I walked around with one of those big hand signs like “this is wrong” pointing to my family but no one saw. It makes me very angry and I have been told by others in my life before that I am an angry person.</p>
     

    #366656
    Alice
    Participant

    Hello Rose of Yellow,

    Thankyou for taking the time to write to me. I agree with your defintion of high maintenance which was:  someone who takes and doesn’t give, who needs constant attention and validation or praise. I feel I am needy and do like a lot of attention and feel lost without praise. It is not a good part of me and I have been trying to be more self sufficient.

    Thankyou for your reply about indigo children. I had not heard that idea before so had a google. I am not sure I am an indigo child, in the past i had thought maybe i was more “old soul” as I’m a Capricorn but actually I feel i can be very stubborn and immature and naive in life so I think that’s probably not actually true.

    I just have like a ball of loneliness wherever I go. I could spend the whole day with colleagues and get in the car to go home and want to just cry as it feels like no one has actually “seen” me even though they would be talking to me about work etc. Or I can be at my boyfriends family parties and just feel invisible and like I want to run upstairs and cry in the bathroom. I just dont feel connected to anyone really. I had an ex I felt so emotionally connected to but he is married now with children but it’s like I’m trying to look for THAT feeling everywhere and getting frustrated and sad I can’t find it again.

    Thankyou for your suggestions about doing things that interest me, learning new things and attending a book club. I have thought of joining a book club for a while so it’s a good incentive for me to do that now. I also read alot of philosophy and spiritual books currently or books about loneliness too. Thankyou again for replying.

    #366655
    Alice
    Participant

    Hello anita,

    Thankyou for writing back. I relate very much to what you said here:  Looking out the window on a summer evening, seeing couples walk hand in hand, going somewhere, while I am going nowhere..

    I feel like I am living on reality and not IN reality. Like almost being on the surface of life, rather than diving in. Its perhaps loneliness plus the feeling of living the wrong life or being very unsettled and restless where I am so I look out on others happy relationships or success or marriages and feel jealous but dont know how to create that in my own life or even if I should or deserve to. I would say it’s a lack of inner peace feeling that is with me all of the time unless I am asleep.

    I have felt lonely my whole life. I hated school and didnt have anything in common with my parents so I was very alone then. I feel very alone now still. I do have a boyfriend and some good friends but no one i feel actually emotionally is close to me and wants to understand me. I am responsible for that too as I do tend to push my boyfriend away at times as it doesnt feel right being with him always. At the same time i feel my boyfriend is too much on the surface of life too and doesnt seem to want to connect emotionally. It’s like we are talking two different languages.

    #357731
    Alice
    Participant

    Also you dont have to live where you live. If you dont like your neighbour and she makes your life that miserable, you can either try to ignore it, accept it or move. Moving is 100% an option and it could be a change of scene would be just what you need to feel more like yourself again. No one, not just you, would be happy with a full scale neighbourhood war on their doorstep. That would drain anyones motivation and energy, not just yours, so it isnt anything wrong that you are feeling that way, anyone would in your situation. A year is a long time to be miserable. Would you be willing to consider moving as an option?

    #357730
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi Guthries,

    I hope you are feeling  abit better now from when you posted and the intensity of that feeling as passed somewhat.

    I can understand, from my experiences in my own life, how things you dont like e.g. loneliness can last longer than you think or would like it to and you just want to hope for an end.

    My advice would be “life is what you make it” and so can you list and/or do 3 things that would make your evening sitting in your home every evening better? E.g. is that skyping your family or signing up for volunteering once lockdown is over, or following a new recipe for food, or committing to an online exercise class or reading a good book etc etc. I know all these things are cliches and also only little things and loneliness is so big, but I have learned from experience getting excited about the little things is literally all there is (aside from the occasional big exciting thing).

    Maybe you could also go on a walk at night or camp outside or something? Basically anything that is out of the ordinary that would make you feel abit less in a rut and a bit more open to new possibilities.

    As for friends, its absolutely okay to just have a few friends. It sounds like you did the right thing by yourself to stay away from your previous friend..  but equally if you feel like you want to reconcile it’s up to you-i would say follow your heart with that, and either way is right.

    I would also say everyone is lonely. Deep down in their hearts. You don’t have to live alone to be lonely. I often feel lonely every single day and I live with a boyfriend and a dog and have friends and family. Yet still I feel lonely. So it’s just how it is for most people I think and some people who dont seem lonely maybe are just better at pushing the feeling away. When I feel lonely I tend to read books about loneliness -Murakami books are good as he understands loneliness well or listen to music -thats maybe not the best approach as I do end up feeling more lonely but it reminds me others in time have felt like I do now. Or another option is getting outside for a long walk in whatever weather and that act of getting outside can refresh your mind.

    My questions to you are: 1) do you regularly exercise and get outside if you can do? 2) do you have any family you could talk to about how you feel or that friend you mentioned that you are still friends with? 3) are you looking forward to anything, and if not, could you think of anything to look forward to? It doesn’t have to be big, it could just be a nice cup of coffee or watching something good on TV. It’s the little things that keep everything going I think.

     

    I hope you are feeling  abit better now and you are not alone in feeling lonely-I current yl feel lonely and so do thousands of other people. I think it’s a human thing.

    #354576
    Alice
    Participant

    Good luck with that David. I hope you do manage to get some sleep. I know first hand how getting less than 7hours makes it hard to function.

    #354536
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi David,

    Good to hear from you.

    I think what she says holds true- it WILL feel impossible to her to not have you in her life, she will be hurting so much too and maybe more as she will always have the “what if” of it all. You sound very compassionate and caring for her- unconditional love -and that is beautiful- though painful and shows you have a open big heart.

    In terms of thoughts rushing, I have found this so hard too. One thing that helps me is to count each breath in and out up to 10 and then  back again from 1-10 over and over. The deep  breaths make me feel calmer and normally by the time I get to near 20 my thoughts are slower and my brain starts to relax. It takes alot of willpower to stay with this boring activity as your brain wants to “figure things out” with the person you love or it wants to relive the pleasure or painful parts over and over. This gives you some temporary feeling of doing something  but in my case I found long term it just ended up with me crying.. so the breathing exercises could help. I would also suggest Michael Singer and his surrender experiment book ad youtubes. Again a distraction but hearing him talk about the voice inside your head and samaras (the cycle of energy that comes up time and time again) has helped me understand my emotions more and why things keep coming up.

    I hope you are able to find some peace tonight. Wishing you well and thinking of you.

    #354528
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi David,

    I wanted to reply to you as I can empathise so much with your position- although it was not the same as mine , I know the feeling of losing a best friend at different times of life and someone I love.

    In terms of what you can do, I think for now  for that sounds like nothing. She has wanted to give her marriage another try, and so that’s something you  need to come to terms with right now even if you dont agree with that decision. I dont understand fully why she wants to go to marriage counselling when she loves you and the relationship has  been brilliant and you  both understand each other. Does she love her husband? Clearly you know her and her what drives her more than I can from one post… maybe what would help is to consider that she is fearful of leaving and fearful of making the wrong decision or upsetting her family and kids and so cant yet reconcile her feelings for you and her duty she feels to her marriage and to her kids. From where she is she may feel in an impossible position.. loving you but feeling like she has a moral obligation to stay. In the long term this will only hurt her so I would say dont contact her for now- this shows your respect her and she knows how you feel anyway as you have been clear with her and she most likely knows in her heart anyway.

    In terms of how you can feel better. There is temporarily better and long term better. In terms of temporarily better I would say this is about distraction. Your brain and heart is unlikely to cope with the shock of losing her and the reality that you wont be together again so it will just plain hurt over and over. Maybe for the distraction you could do;

    1) read a complicated book to take your mind of her and absorb your full attention

    2) try yoga and really focus on each move

    3) take a shower or bath and cry it out (not distraction but can help)

    4) look for anything you can learn that can take up your time e.g vlunterting, a new skill etc

    5) sleep, if you can or meditate

    In terms of long term better, I cant see any other way than it will take time, be painful and will keep coming up time and time again. That was my reality but it may not he yours.

    For this, I would suggest acceptance. Easy to type but very hard to do. In my case acceptance comes as i:

    1) anytime I feel emotionally overwhelmed writing down my thoughts in a letter and getting everything out – do not send the letter no matter how tempting. This is for you. If you get everything out you will feel sad still but an smidge lighter inside.

    2) meditate. Headspace, a meditation app, do a course on handling sadness which may be of use-I have found it useful so far, and there are free ones online. This isnt about feeling better all the time, just for the length of the mediation which you DO deserve to (in case your brain gets bored and tries to suggest you should get up and do something or dont deserve to feel okay)

    3) mentally tell yourself everytime you think of her that you wish her well, accept you miss her and still love her and then  STILL get on with your day. This is really hard and I have found accepting these thoughts takes time and happens multiple times each day and multiple days. Eg it is not a one time thing. This makes it hard as some days it seems impossible to accept and the pain is raw but that also needs accepting just like on the days you feel better. This is hard and sad work. Maybe if you believe in the universe and vibes you could think that your love is being sent out toward her and you are sending it out then releasing both of you to get on with your days. If you keep doing this every day you will have more good days than bad.

    4) I know you know this already but it’s not personal. Her decision to stay in her marriage is more based on her conditioning fears, morals etc. Than it is to do with love. Love sometimes is not enough and whilst her decision hurts you both, I think she is trying to do what she thinks is right and putting her happiness last. Only she can realise this and make the change.either way you both got to meet someone that made you feel magical, chemistry, bliss and you will always be a part of each others hearts in that way forever. Always bound by that time even if you both move on.

    5) you mentioned about medication and using alcohol to sleep. Firstly brilliant and well done on the medication-you accepted you needed some help and got out and got it! That’s really brave. I know now is really hard and you are in so much pain but just dont get in a habit with alcohol. It’s really easy and numbing but I find I get more sad and more weepy on alcohol even if at first it numbs me so actually any more than one shot glass full and I know I will get say-so just watch out for this. In terms of other modes of comfort could you sleep with a hot water bottle, sleep listening to an audiobooks or guided meditation or the radio-anything to help you relax. I have tried medication -for me it made my brain feel very foggy and slow and the side effects made me not last on them long. All I can say is that medication is a help and it’s not the whole way- the pain is still there and you still need to go through it. I would say take it day by day. Just focus on getting a good morning routine, then to lunch and so so on. Sometimes to make it easier for me I pretend I am an alien who has just landed in my life and has the chance to make my morning routine (and lunch and evening) the nicest it can possibly be. This allows me to ask the question of myself ‘what can I do to make this morning go well?’eg have a shower, exercise, hot coffee etc and all those little things add up. It’s not the same feeling as with your soulmate, not close, but it’s being kind to you which does feel good.

    I would be happy to talk to you more as there is more I could say but this is getting rambly! If you dont decide to reply I would like you wish you strength and luck and know that you will get through this and be okay again.

    #354432
    Alice
    Participant

    I would also just add if you dont feel like you can be sincere with him as you may lose him maybe he isn’t the one for you e.g what are you scared of? Him going off on the deep end about what you say? Him getting angry and leaving? Him not liking you? Maybe part of the attraction is that this older guy who’s smart and accomplished likes you and that’s awesome so you don’t want to do anything that could jeopardise that.. whilst at the same time you maybe feel confused as deep down you feel like well he doesn’t actually know ME, he knows what he thinks is me (and says he loves that person), so will he still love actually ME?!

     

    Again maybe I am off the mark here. In my situation I would often be scared of telling me true feelings to him as he used to fly off the handle or get upset about little things. I wasnt the best communicator and i was always honest but I think I was probably too honest in some ways and it used to upset him. Deep down I felt a bit scared of him too. Like I couldn’t predict how he would act. I dont mean he would hurt me just like I couldn’t predict how he would react to what I said type thing.

     

    #354430
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi Mary,

    I hope you are feeling better today and have a slight break from the thoughts going round in your head about him. I have been there and know how it feels.

    From reading your post a few things stood out to me:

    1) he is anxious too. It seems odd that he can say he loves you without knowing you. When this happened to me I felt so flattered but also kind of suspicious like hey you dont know me yet and you are talking about love. I dont know the answer here- either he wears his heart on his sleeve so falls in love quickly with people (and can fall out of love also quickly) or he is anxious so wants to push the relationship faster and faster so you dont leave him and he gets what he wants or a third option I haven’t thought of yet. I am sure there are lots of reasons.

     

    2. It is so hard but you cant let your worth depend on him. I think our brains find it so easy to ruminate and ruminate on stuff especially when they get the ‘high’ of him writing back and acknowledging us but thay only temporarily ammends the anxiety until next time or until the phone call ends. I know how hard it is but things like yoga, walking, or distraction can help.

    3. I couldn’t believe ‘someone like him’ could love ‘someone like me’. He was this brilliant peacock that walked into my life and I felt like a grey pigeon. But in liking me I felt a million dollars, loved, safe, secure, chemistry etc etc. It was an addictive feeling. But deep down I thought he would leave as I thought I dont deserve a man like him. He was also older (like in your situation) so I almost saw him as this demi God who knew “life” better than me, that had had all this relationship and life experience and I felt like a baby toddling behind him but not actually getting to his level.. which meant that I went out my way to please him.. which when I did felt amazing but when I didnt felt awful. This may not be the case in your situation.  All i can say is when he left I had to do the hard work of learning to like myself, learning to have self worth etc which is still ongoing and painful. He was like a short cut to those feelings but couldn’t give me them all the time (and that’s not the basis of a healthy relationship anyway) and so it’s back to square 1.

    In terms of advice I would say leave him be and dont message him too much. He may be the kind of guy that likes the chase, and the thrill of it all e.g my guy that left said I was too nice and too emotional, so if you act harder to get and just like on your A game at work and with your hobbies and not wait for him to call he may be like wow this is a strong woman and someone I want to be with (as deep down he feels weak) and is someone who shows they are capable and able to handle stuff.

    I may be way off the mark with this but I wanted to share these thoughts as its what came to mind as I read it.

    In terms of the thoughts in your head. I would say the headspace app has helped me as has Michael Singer videos and also has learning about my myres briggs personality type as that has helped me have more compassion for myself. Yoga and walking or getting outside has also helped.

    #351520
    Alice
    Participant

    Hello,

    I haven’t read your original thread so I’m just going on what you’ve written here. It sounds like it is a very intense, stressful situation  at home where your mum is putting an extraordinary amount of pressure on you and isn’t caring about your happiness, only hers. I can emphasise a little as my mum does freak out alot if you tell her anything and its always a huge drama and it ends up being about what she thinks is right rather than helping to understand what I would really want and what would make me happy. So in this case your mum is not your ally at all in this situation- she just wants things to be easier for her.

    I would say do you have a trusted friend you could speak to about this? If not I can also emphasise with the back and forth menatal decision between A and B and how draining and frustrating it must be.

    I recommended listening to Michael Singer on another thread I commented on today and I do think again it may help as he has a video on youtube about finding inner clarity which you may find useful. The process basically involves getting still, grounded and centred in your body so your thoughts slow down a bit and you feel more ‘like yourself’. Lots of things that can help that like meditation or running or walking or yoga anything that makes you check in more with your body and come into your body rather than your head. Without any clarity it is very difficult to make a decision.

    I would say that in your last post you associated with word ‘happy’ with your ex and more negative words with your current boyfriend. My take on it is that it sounds like you aren’t feeling your current relationship (and it sounds like its going to be hard work as its LDR and he lives the other side of the world) and so maybe connecting with your ex again and leaving your current relationship would help. You could maybe try mental exercises like picturing your ex and talking to him and writing down how thay makes you feel and then the next day doing the same writing exercise with your current boyfriend to see the difference? In my life when I have needed to make decisions even though my mind could be flip flopping back and forth and even my emotions and heart got too caught up and they were too overwhelming to see the wood from the trees, deep down my gut feeling knew what was right. This felt to me like a kind of “off” or wobbly uneasy feeling when I was in a situation I didn’t like or very intense and memorable dreams. But I guess everyone gut feeling is different so its what yours feels like.

    I really emphasize with your situation. It must be so tough to be in an environment where you don’t feel emotionally safe. I know from experience how hard that is. I hope you are doing okay this weekend. Thinking of you xx

    #351516
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi Felix

    I created a login so I could reply to you as I read your question earlier in the week and the first time you posted and it kept being in my mind.

    Firstly all those that have commented have given you really good advice.

    My view on it is that everyone to a lesser or bigger degree has a “height” thing or for them its something else like “their nose”, “their body shape”, “hair colour” or something else. For me it’s my nose and my hair colour. When I was younger and still at times now I would find myself comparing my nose shape to other peoples noses or my hair colour to other peoples hair- all of this got worse when a relationship ended and I was convinced I wasn’t blonde enough or pretty enough or had big enough breasts to be his partner.. those thoughts would overwhelm me and like you with your height, be very frustrating as I cant change the size of my breasts (except through surgery) and I wouldn’t sit dying my hair blonde (I tried it as a teenager) etc. So I was kind of stuck. I didn’t want to think these thoughts as they only harmed me as going out shopping and seeing a happy couple with the girl with blonde hair would make me feel sad for a long time afterward and ruminate about how I will “never be pretty enough” .. writing this out now it all sounds very self obsessed haha! But it was definitely like automatic thoughts that would pop up everytime I saw a happy couple at that time.

    I think the difference between now and then is that I have made a commitment to accept reality. This doesn’t mean  that those thoughts don’t come back every now and then if I am feeling low, but every day I try to accept the moment and life exactly as it is. I had help doing this -Eckhert Tolle and Michael Singer both helped me with this and there are lots of free videos on YouTube. Michael Singer in particular talks about “the voice inside your head” and how its basically always thinking about something and that by letting go of that voice or noticing what your thoughts say and then consciously breathing and letting them go -it can help you feel better. Brandy suggestion of meditation and anita’s of taking conscious breaths tie in here as doing a formal meditation practice could really help you have a bit more space from your thoughts. One of his sayings is “if you argue with reality you lose!” And it’s hard to accept but it’s so true. I may want to be skinny, blonde etc but I am not going to be no matter if I was age 1 or age 101 so worrying about it isnt going to solve anything, it’s just a waste of energy  that could be put into something else.

    Another suggestion would be to focus on what makes you feel good and most alive. For me most of those times have been when I’ve been with animals. I haven’t cared what I’ve looked like, ive just been in the moment and enjoying myself and there are pictures from those times where I have this huge smile on my face.

    Another suggestion could be to work on a project of your own that you enjoy. I most whoy the company of being who are living lives they are passionate and excited about and are actively trying to do something for the world. Passion and commitment toward a goal IS cool and is attractive and people  will be secretly jealous of that as they want to feel what you are feeling e.g the feeling of working toward a higher goal- so working on something like that may give you a good distraction but also make you feel more comfortable in yourself and what you can give to the world. Theres a quote somewhere about learning never leaving -basically lots I’d things change in life all the time, but self improvement and learning stick with you and can give you a temporary escape from judgement eg if you get into the zone whilst learning or doing something.

    I think that’s all I can think of for now. In summary I would say meditate (ditto with Brandy), listen to inspiring youtube videos-I would start with Michael Singer and his ‘living from a place of surrender’ videos online and really listen to what he has to say. I have listened to his audio tape countless times and every time there is more to learn.

    Take good care of yourself this weekend.

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