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Why can't i finish this inner problem permanently

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  • #350620
    Felix
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    So basically if anyone has read my previous threads, you’ll know that i have difficulties in accepting my height which is 5’5. All this time i’ve been living on thinking about this all day. It’s just that sometimes i can handle myself to not thinking about this by distracting myself. I always went outside using a shoes/sandals with a thicker soles to increase height, i never wear something flat outside. I always thought i can fool anyone thinking that at least i’m taller than 5’5… it could be 5’6. But what i realize now is that i can’t fool anyone with the body shape. Because you can see the length of the body is different for 5’5 and 5’6, even though the head are at the same height. I know i’ve been babbling about this matter so many times. I’ve tried accepting myself and I sometimes succeed. It’s just that now everytime i watch a movie/cartoon i always look at the boy’s height. And whenever i watch, there isnt a main character boy with a lower height than 5’6, even in the japanese cartoons. I hated it so much, that i keep thinking about this. I dont know if this is an issue with my mindset or what. When i saw a drama, and there is a supporting character which is a bit short, i’ll immediately googled him and when i saw his height. He’s still taller than me. I can only find my height at grandpa actors, sometimes there are also grandpa which is taller. I dont know why i still think this way, even i compare myself to cartoons…. I always wanted a good body, and in my view a good body shape will look more rectangle at 5’6 above.. and it’s not something that i can get EVER in my life. I know that there are men who has the same height like me and lower, but it’s just that i always dreamed of having a rectangle body (5’6 above) but i can’t, even if i go to the gym.. i’ll be more muscular but my body will still look square (not rectangle). I don’t feel that any tips will help my mind because i think i’m really a hard headed person, but i just feel like sharing my thoughts here to feel slightly better. Even till this day, i still hated god for ruining my dreams on having a rectangle body shape (5’6)… I know i can still have a good life with this height, but it’s just that my dreams are already ruined and it’s not even my fault.

    #350626
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix

    You wrote: “Every time I watch a movie/ cartoon, I always look at the boy’s height. And whenever I watch, there isn’t a main character boy with a lower height than 5’6””. —

    – Danny DeVito 4’10”, Richard Dreyfuss 5’5”, Daniel Radcliff (Harry Potter’s star) 5’5”, Joe Pesci 5’5”, Michael J. Fox 5’4”, Johnny Galecki (The Big Bang Theory) 5’5”, Joe Pesci 5’4”, Charlie Chaplin 5’4”, Elijah Woods, 5’6”, Woody Allen 5’5”,Al Pacino 5’6”, Dustin Hoffman 5’5”, Seth Green 5’4” (various online sources).

    Lots of men prefer to be taller, and lots of women prefer to date taller men, this is true. You are one of the many men who prefer to be taller. But you go beyond preferring to be taller, you are obsessing about it, (or as you wrote, being “hard headed”).

    anita

     

     

    #350628
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Do you have any solutions in healing this “obsession”?

     

    #350642
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    An obsession is a thought that is experienced as intrusive and unwanted and which causes the person a lot of anxiety and distress.

    Maybe I was too fast to call it an obsession. I ask the following, and please answer clearly (take your time):

    1. Do you want to stop thinking about your height?

    2. Did you try before to not think about your height? Please elaborate.

    3. When thinking about your height, do you feel anxiety/distress?

    4. If you do feel anxiety/ distress when thinking about your height, is there anything that you do to relieve the distress, any compulsions such as googling about height, or posting about it online, or doing something unrelated, like brushing your hair every time you think about your height?

    anita

    #350700
    Felix
    Participant

    1. Yes i’m trying to stop thinking about it. But i dont think i could as i’m hard headed

    2. I tried to stop thinking about my height, i distract myself by watching dramas and cartoons. Then when i watch movies, e.g. i’m attracted to a korean actress.. then i googled her as im curious about her. Then i saw her height, in which she’s a bit taller than me, then i start thinking about height again… feeling that why i’m not taller than her… and i also start comparing her with my friends, in which most of my friends are taller than her. I keep thinking about this, and eventually the distraction fails. Even when i watch cartoons, and i’m searching about the characters.. it states their height, and i’m pissed by it.

    3. Yes i feel that i’m in the position of that i cant achieve something that i want in my life, because since i was a kid i’m a person who always wanted to achieve something that i want, but for this “height” i cant. I keep thinking that till i’m old i will never able to achieve this one thing i wanted.

    4. If i think about my height suddenly, i’ll try to not think about it…. like i keep telling myself not to think about it.. and i’ll start doing something like watching/activities.. but sometimes it’ll lead to something that makes me think about height again. Even when i’m doing activities and i saw a kid much younger than me… i saw he’s slightly taller than me.. i feel down already.

    I don’t know if this is curable, as maybe i’ll have to live my life forever thinking about this as it’s unchangeable (maybe i can’t face reality). I’m still able to go on in life, it’s just that “maybe” i’d prefer if i can take this “height problem” off my mind. It’s not that i wanna keep babbling about this… just that “height issue” stuck in my head.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Felix.
    #350710
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Felix:

    You asked me earlier: “Do you have any solutions in healing this ‘obsession'”?

    I don’t. If you saw a competent mental health professional regarding this obsession/ pre-occupation, that would be best for you. I already gave you all my input on the matter in previous threads. What I can add here, based on your answers to my four questions, is the following:

    1. Don’t try to not think about heights (your height, others’ heights)

    2. When you notice that you started thinking about heights, take three slow breaths and relax. Don’t try to stop thinking about it; don’t try to distract yourself. In other words, instead of trying to run away from the thinking, stay still and take a few slow breaths.

    – Stop running away from these thoughts and they will stop running after you!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #350716
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Felix,

    Along with Anita’s suggestions above I suggest you give your mind a break by meditating for 20 minutes three times a day, every single day. Give it a try and stick to it no matter what for at least a couple months. See what happens.

    B

    #350744
    Alice
    Participant

    Maybe you should reflect on why you want to be taller? How do you think it would make you feel if you were taller? Why do you want to feel that way? Personally, I’m very attracted to shorter men but I honestly wouldn’t consider your short you’re tall in my opinion. Spend time thinking about why you feel the way you do and you will be able to then over come it.

    #351054
    DharmaSeed
    Participant

    We will never be perfect in human birth, there is something that we will want, when it becomes overwhelming, think of the percentage of the population that is the same height or less, then think of these in context, some nations have a lower average height, there are billions, they are crazily happy, never thinking that any change in their physique will bring any joy, they are successful

    Make your height your trademark, along with you, so now how will this trademark serve the world with the wonderful gift of being a part of a 5.5 tribe, because you are clearly not along, be free from making inappropriate comparisons, know what value you personally have, everyone has some very special gifts

    Set up a group for people suffering mentally due to this, you won’t be along and together you all can achieve something great.

    Again cultural specific standards mean that not all value muscular images in high esteem, mingle with people like yourself, for example in the East the standard height may be lower, for men and women so you would be average and normal.

    Get new mentors to look up to, Danny Devito, many many others.

    #351280
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Alice,

    Yes of course i wanna be taller, i’m willing to pay money if i can… but it’s impossible. I be at least 5’6 because majority of my friends are around that height and 5’7. I’m like the shortest among my group of friends…. even outside that group of friends, the boys will be taller than me. I’ve been feeling this way since im 17 and im 21 now, and i haven’t grown an inch, whereas some of my friends who used to be 5’5 (same height as me) grow a few inches and they are taller than me now. I just feel that it’s unfair to me from god, as i still can’t accept that there is something which is “height” that i’ll always gonna be the last among my friends, and i can’t change it ever in my life. Like i feel i wanna escape reality that i can’t accept that im the shortest boy.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Felix.
    #351286
    Felix
    Participant

    Dear Dharmaseed,

    I’m living in south east asia, and the average height here is not that tall. For boys it’s 5’7 and i’m still below it. I’m really really trying to accept myself here, but i dont think i can. It’s just that i cant accept the fact that i’m the shortest among my group of friends. Most people here always describe me as “short”, like in indirect way. Like when one of my best friend, he’s studying abroad and tell them about his best friend which is me, when his friend’s ask how do i look like.. he describe me as “the short funny guy”. I can’t accept the fact that i’m always labeled as the short one, even when they are not mocking me… but i’m always being describe as short. If at least i’m 5’6 im not that far from average, but i’m 2 inches above it and its too far already. Average girl’s height here is my height which is 5’5.

    I dont know if im being ungrateful or what, it’s just that i still can’t accept that there is something which is “height” that i’ll always gonna be the last among my friends, and i can’t change it ever in my life. Like i feel i wanna escape reality that i can’t accept that im the shortest boy. Even some of my friend’s who used to be the same height as me when we were 18 now he is 5’6, and i still dont know why i dont grow even an inch since 17. Even most of my friend’s who all are taller than me, their parents are shorter than them and they still grow, whereas my dad is 5’6 and i’m shorter than me, i dont understand why this is happening to me. I even feel that i can’t forgive god for this unfairness, as i didnt ask to be this hard headed for not wanting to be the “last” among my friends, i have this personality since i was a kid. Like i didnt ask for that kind of personality, and still i got 5’5.

    This is what’s in my thought right now….

    #351516
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi Felix

    I created a login so I could reply to you as I read your question earlier in the week and the first time you posted and it kept being in my mind.

    Firstly all those that have commented have given you really good advice.

    My view on it is that everyone to a lesser or bigger degree has a “height” thing or for them its something else like “their nose”, “their body shape”, “hair colour” or something else. For me it’s my nose and my hair colour. When I was younger and still at times now I would find myself comparing my nose shape to other peoples noses or my hair colour to other peoples hair- all of this got worse when a relationship ended and I was convinced I wasn’t blonde enough or pretty enough or had big enough breasts to be his partner.. those thoughts would overwhelm me and like you with your height, be very frustrating as I cant change the size of my breasts (except through surgery) and I wouldn’t sit dying my hair blonde (I tried it as a teenager) etc. So I was kind of stuck. I didn’t want to think these thoughts as they only harmed me as going out shopping and seeing a happy couple with the girl with blonde hair would make me feel sad for a long time afterward and ruminate about how I will “never be pretty enough” .. writing this out now it all sounds very self obsessed haha! But it was definitely like automatic thoughts that would pop up everytime I saw a happy couple at that time.

    I think the difference between now and then is that I have made a commitment to accept reality. This doesn’t mean  that those thoughts don’t come back every now and then if I am feeling low, but every day I try to accept the moment and life exactly as it is. I had help doing this -Eckhert Tolle and Michael Singer both helped me with this and there are lots of free videos on YouTube. Michael Singer in particular talks about “the voice inside your head” and how its basically always thinking about something and that by letting go of that voice or noticing what your thoughts say and then consciously breathing and letting them go -it can help you feel better. Brandy suggestion of meditation and anita’s of taking conscious breaths tie in here as doing a formal meditation practice could really help you have a bit more space from your thoughts. One of his sayings is “if you argue with reality you lose!” And it’s hard to accept but it’s so true. I may want to be skinny, blonde etc but I am not going to be no matter if I was age 1 or age 101 so worrying about it isnt going to solve anything, it’s just a waste of energy  that could be put into something else.

    Another suggestion would be to focus on what makes you feel good and most alive. For me most of those times have been when I’ve been with animals. I haven’t cared what I’ve looked like, ive just been in the moment and enjoying myself and there are pictures from those times where I have this huge smile on my face.

    Another suggestion could be to work on a project of your own that you enjoy. I most whoy the company of being who are living lives they are passionate and excited about and are actively trying to do something for the world. Passion and commitment toward a goal IS cool and is attractive and people  will be secretly jealous of that as they want to feel what you are feeling e.g the feeling of working toward a higher goal- so working on something like that may give you a good distraction but also make you feel more comfortable in yourself and what you can give to the world. Theres a quote somewhere about learning never leaving -basically lots I’d things change in life all the time, but self improvement and learning stick with you and can give you a temporary escape from judgement eg if you get into the zone whilst learning or doing something.

    I think that’s all I can think of for now. In summary I would say meditate (ditto with Brandy), listen to inspiring youtube videos-I would start with Michael Singer and his ‘living from a place of surrender’ videos online and really listen to what he has to say. I have listened to his audio tape countless times and every time there is more to learn.

    Take good care of yourself this weekend.

    #351524
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Felix,

    Have you not heard of the quote –

    “I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”

    Yes somewhere you need to come to a stage where you need to understand life, its blessings and its shortcomings.

    “Acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in this world” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I had oily skin with lots of acne throughout my childhood, teenage years. This caused me a lot of anxiety and particularly social anxiety. Because this was the time when the personality of a person gets developed and I was living with this. I developed inferiority complex because of this. I could not meet people or if I could then I would get frustrated…very frustrated. This happened a lot of times and it went on and on for several years.

    One day I sat with myself and asked “How can I come out of this?”

    I evaluated the options:

    1.  Visit the doctor and ask how can this be cured –

    He said oily skin is due to the hormones in the body and excess of these hormones cause these acne all over the face.

    There are medicines to reduce this oiliness but then they are hazardous because they suppress the natural mechanism of the body to create this oil/sebum. So I did not wanted to cause more complications in my life. This was not an option.

    2. So that means I could not do anything physically. Could I do anything mentally about it?

    Absolutely YES.

    This was the only option remaining with me and so I decided to end this frustration.

    I understood that this frustration was mind-made and so it was in my hands to deal with it. How powerful?

    Started reading about articles, books, videos, etc on how the mind tricks us and how NOT to believe what the mind says.

    If you do this you will not only come out of your mind-made frustration about height, but it will also give you a tool on how to handle many such challenges that come in our lives.

    I do not say I have no more oily skin or acne because I have come out of my teenage years. (In fact those acne has now caused permanent scarring on my face.) Nor do I say that my anxiousness about my face has permanently gone. But now I know what to do when this frustration happens. I know how the mind plays games with me by telling me all sorts of things like “You are not looking good, you look awkward, other people have a beautiful face” and lots of other mind made stories.

    Try to stay with people who do not make fun of you and accept the way just like you are.

    If they are not making fun of you and you are still unhappy with your height, then it is your own mind-made, isn’t it? And now you can start working on coming out of it by the advises I have given you. There are lots and lots of articles, videos on it and they are all free. Start working. Stop thinking. Work on coming out of the prison of your own mind.

    I also found that whatever shortcomings one may have, people only see things like persona, your way of talking, confidence, eye contact, voice, your ability to be nice to others, your kindness, your character, and many such soft skills. So try to develop them.

    Before I take your leave I suggest you to take a look at the below video.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36m1o-tM05g

     

     

     

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