Dear Felix

You wrote: “Every time I watch a movie/ cartoon, I always look at the boy’s height. And whenever I watch, there isn’t a main character boy with a lower height than 5’6””. —

– Danny DeVito 4’10”, Richard Dreyfuss 5’5”, Daniel Radcliff (Harry Potter’s star) 5’5”, Joe Pesci 5’5”, Michael J. Fox 5’4”, Johnny Galecki (The Big Bang Theory) 5’5”, Joe Pesci 5’4”, Charlie Chaplin 5’4”, Elijah Woods, 5’6”, Woody Allen 5’5”,Al Pacino 5’6”, Dustin Hoffman 5’5”, Seth Green 5’4” (various online sources).

Lots of men prefer to be taller, and lots of women prefer to date taller men, this is true. You are one of the many men who prefer to be taller. But you go beyond preferring to be taller, you are obsessing about it, (or as you wrote, being “hard headed”).

anita

Dear Felix:

An obsession is a thought that is experienced as intrusive and unwanted and which causes the person a lot of anxiety and distress.

Maybe I was too fast to call it an obsession. I ask the following, and please answer clearly (take your time):

1. Do you want to stop thinking about your height?

2. Did you try before to not think about your height? Please elaborate.

3. When thinking about your height, do you feel anxiety/distress?

4. If you do feel anxiety/ distress when thinking about your height, is there anything that you do to relieve the distress, any compulsions such as googling about height, or posting about it online, or doing something unrelated, like brushing your hair every time you think about your height?

anita

Dear Felix:

You asked me earlier: “Do you have any solutions in healing this ‘obsession'”?

I don’t. If you saw a competent mental health professional regarding this obsession/ pre-occupation, that would be best for you. I already gave you all my input on the matter in previous threads. What I can add here, based on your answers to my four questions, is the following:

1. Don’t try to not think about heights (your height, others’ heights)

2. When you notice that you started thinking about heights, take three slow breaths and relax. Don’t try to stop thinking about it; don’t try to distract yourself. In other words, instead of trying to run away from the thinking, stay still and take a few slow breaths.

– Stop running away from these thoughts and they will stop running after you!

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by .

Maybe you should reflect on why you want to be taller? How do you think it would make you feel if you were taller? Why do you want to feel that way? Personally, I’m very attracted to shorter men but I honestly wouldn’t consider your short you’re tall in my opinion. Spend time thinking about why you feel the way you do and you will be able to then over come it.

Hi Felix

I created a login so I could reply to you as I read your question earlier in the week and the first time you posted and it kept being in my mind.

Firstly all those that have commented have given you really good advice.

My view on it is that everyone to a lesser or bigger degree has a “height” thing or for them its something else like “their nose”, “their body shape”, “hair colour” or something else. For me it’s my nose and my hair colour. When I was younger and still at times now I would find myself comparing my nose shape to other peoples noses or my hair colour to other peoples hair- all of this got worse when a relationship ended and I was convinced I wasn’t blonde enough or pretty enough or had big enough breasts to be his partner.. those thoughts would overwhelm me and like you with your height, be very frustrating as I cant change the size of my breasts (except through surgery) and I wouldn’t sit dying my hair blonde (I tried it as a teenager) etc. So I was kind of stuck. I didn’t want to think these thoughts as they only harmed me as going out shopping and seeing a happy couple with the girl with blonde hair would make me feel sad for a long time afterward and ruminate about how I will “never be pretty enough” .. writing this out now it all sounds very self obsessed haha! But it was definitely like automatic thoughts that would pop up everytime I saw a happy couple at that time.

I think the difference between now and then is that I have made a commitment to accept reality. This doesn’t mean  that those thoughts don’t come back every now and then if I am feeling low, but every day I try to accept the moment and life exactly as it is. I had help doing this -Eckhert Tolle and Michael Singer both helped me with this and there are lots of free videos on YouTube. Michael Singer in particular talks about “the voice inside your head” and how its basically always thinking about something and that by letting go of that voice or noticing what your thoughts say and then consciously breathing and letting them go -it can help you feel better. Brandy suggestion of meditation and anita’s of taking conscious breaths tie in here as doing a formal meditation practice could really help you have a bit more space from your thoughts. One of his sayings is “if you argue with reality you lose!” And it’s hard to accept but it’s so true. I may want to be skinny, blonde etc but I am not going to be no matter if I was age 1 or age 101 so worrying about it isnt going to solve anything, it’s just a waste of energy  that could be put into something else.

Another suggestion would be to focus on what makes you feel good and most alive. For me most of those times have been when I’ve been with animals. I haven’t cared what I’ve looked like, ive just been in the moment and enjoying myself and there are pictures from those times where I have this huge smile on my face.

Another suggestion could be to work on a project of your own that you enjoy. I most whoy the company of being who are living lives they are passionate and excited about and are actively trying to do something for the world. Passion and commitment toward a goal IS cool and is attractive and people  will be secretly jealous of that as they want to feel what you are feeling e.g the feeling of working toward a higher goal- so working on something like that may give you a good distraction but also make you feel more comfortable in yourself and what you can give to the world. Theres a quote somewhere about learning never leaving -basically lots I’d things change in life all the time, but self improvement and learning stick with you and can give you a temporary escape from judgement eg if you get into the zone whilst learning or doing something.

I think that’s all I can think of for now. In summary I would say meditate (ditto with Brandy), listen to inspiring youtube videos-I would start with Michael Singer and his ‘living from a place of surrender’ videos online and really listen to what he has to say. I have listened to his audio tape countless times and every time there is more to learn.

Take good care of yourself this weekend.