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Lost “The One” and my best friend

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  • #354514
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    This is my first post here. Honestly I’m really struggling. I’m at work currently as I type this, and I’m at a loss of how to get past this anxiety and just…misery.

    There is a bit of a story to explain so that things make sense.

    This girl and I have known each other since highschool. She was my first love and all, but by the time I realized that, she had found someone else. Fast forward 10 years, they are still together and have a couple of young kids. Her and I have remained friends over the years, though he hates me. Always has. Anyways, some medical stuff was going wrong for her, and some medication changes were messing with her memory. She started asking me questions about things she had told me, and we figured out that her Husband had been really controlling and emotionally abusing her for a couple of years. She told me she had wanted a divorce for a few years, but was scared. Her family was die hard bible readers, and she claimed they would disown her. I told her that I would help her however she needed. If it was to help her, and him, understand things so they could cope and make it, great. If it was to get her out, great. I was the only one she was able to talk to about her dark and depressing thoughts, the rest of her family didn’t get it. And we were very similar, so I was able to pick up and understand things that they couldn’t. Long story short, some very strong emotions grew between us, the more time we spent. And for almost a year we were secretly together. I know, we knew it was wrong, but we couldn’t help our feelings, things felt perfect with us. Natural. Like we just belonged together. The chemistry was always there. And we understood things about the other that no one else ever had. She was trying to get out of the relationship, and he was fighting her every step of the way, even going as far as threatening her that she’d never see her kids because of her mental and medical history.  Guilt tripping her every step of the way. Towards the end of the year, he got her to agree to move back in and see a marriage counseler. She agreed, saying that this way they couldn’t say she didn’t try everything. I was fine with the marriage counseler, but was hesitant of his motives. I never believed he would actually get a counseler, and would just try to act like things were back to normal. Which is exactly what he did. But, they were able to keep her away from me. And eventually things between them seemed to get better. He was how he used to be, back when she did love him. Ouch for me, but I saw it coming. I told her from day one of us being together, that no matter what someone would be hurt at the end of this. Karma is a bitch, cause it turned out to be me. We seperated, but were still going to be friends. But he kept telling her she had to drop me completely. Over and over. For months. First we couldn’t see each other anymore. Like, just hanging out. As friends. And then we couldn’t talk on phone calls. And finally, two weeks ago, she had to say goodbye to me completely.  I accepted it. What else could I do? And I always told her that I would be whatever she needed me to be. A friend, a partner, a memory. Whatever she needed, whatever it took for her to be happy.

     

    I’ve been on some anti depressants and anxiety meds that seemed to be doing well. They were helping me get through the loss. I was in pain, and alone, but I knew it would be okay. I’d move on, find someone else, ect ect. This weekend though, it seems like that all changed. The medicine stopped working, or I need a stronger dose, or something. Because between getting off work Friday morning, and waking up Friday night(i work over night shifts), I had COMPLETELY spiraled. Where I had been wanting to live, suddenly I was wishing for death again. I just didn’t want to be alive. I have never felt anxiety this bad before. Can’t sit still, I’m so  jumpy. And my heart is constantly racing. It hurts. I’ll lay down to sleep(usually having to drink to be able to actually fall asleep), be asleep for a couple of hours, and wake up with my chest hurting so bad that I think I’m having a heart attack. I’ve never been in this much emotional pain before. I lost it. I reached out to talk to her again. I miss her so much. And found out she misses me too and hates it. But she can’t stand them all being mad at her anymore(her husband has her family all convinced I’m the devil, and a lot of other things). And she can’t risk loosing her children. Okay.

     

    So this is where I’m at. I said goodbye to her again a couple of hours ago, telling her I’ll do my best to be strong, and continue to just be a memory. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, things felt completely perfect with us. And there are so many things where if just something simple had been different, we would be together. I don’t know how to stop wanting that. And beyond just us being together, she was the best friend I’ve ever had. She was the only person I could talk to about my “dark” feelings as well. My family gets mad when you start talking about depressing feelings(be it mad that your feeling it, or mad they can’t help, I really don’t know). My other friends just try and change the subject as quick as they can. I don’t know what to do.

     

    Sorry for the long post…I don’t even really know what I’m looking for here. I just need to talk to someone. Anyone. Who might be able to help.

    #354528
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi David,

    I wanted to reply to you as I can empathise so much with your position- although it was not the same as mine , I know the feeling of losing a best friend at different times of life and someone I love.

    In terms of what you can do, I think for now  for that sounds like nothing. She has wanted to give her marriage another try, and so that’s something you  need to come to terms with right now even if you dont agree with that decision. I dont understand fully why she wants to go to marriage counselling when she loves you and the relationship has  been brilliant and you  both understand each other. Does she love her husband? Clearly you know her and her what drives her more than I can from one post… maybe what would help is to consider that she is fearful of leaving and fearful of making the wrong decision or upsetting her family and kids and so cant yet reconcile her feelings for you and her duty she feels to her marriage and to her kids. From where she is she may feel in an impossible position.. loving you but feeling like she has a moral obligation to stay. In the long term this will only hurt her so I would say dont contact her for now- this shows your respect her and she knows how you feel anyway as you have been clear with her and she most likely knows in her heart anyway.

    In terms of how you can feel better. There is temporarily better and long term better. In terms of temporarily better I would say this is about distraction. Your brain and heart is unlikely to cope with the shock of losing her and the reality that you wont be together again so it will just plain hurt over and over. Maybe for the distraction you could do;

    1) read a complicated book to take your mind of her and absorb your full attention

    2) try yoga and really focus on each move

    3) take a shower or bath and cry it out (not distraction but can help)

    4) look for anything you can learn that can take up your time e.g vlunterting, a new skill etc

    5) sleep, if you can or meditate

    In terms of long term better, I cant see any other way than it will take time, be painful and will keep coming up time and time again. That was my reality but it may not he yours.

    For this, I would suggest acceptance. Easy to type but very hard to do. In my case acceptance comes as i:

    1) anytime I feel emotionally overwhelmed writing down my thoughts in a letter and getting everything out – do not send the letter no matter how tempting. This is for you. If you get everything out you will feel sad still but an smidge lighter inside.

    2) meditate. Headspace, a meditation app, do a course on handling sadness which may be of use-I have found it useful so far, and there are free ones online. This isnt about feeling better all the time, just for the length of the mediation which you DO deserve to (in case your brain gets bored and tries to suggest you should get up and do something or dont deserve to feel okay)

    3) mentally tell yourself everytime you think of her that you wish her well, accept you miss her and still love her and then  STILL get on with your day. This is really hard and I have found accepting these thoughts takes time and happens multiple times each day and multiple days. Eg it is not a one time thing. This makes it hard as some days it seems impossible to accept and the pain is raw but that also needs accepting just like on the days you feel better. This is hard and sad work. Maybe if you believe in the universe and vibes you could think that your love is being sent out toward her and you are sending it out then releasing both of you to get on with your days. If you keep doing this every day you will have more good days than bad.

    4) I know you know this already but it’s not personal. Her decision to stay in her marriage is more based on her conditioning fears, morals etc. Than it is to do with love. Love sometimes is not enough and whilst her decision hurts you both, I think she is trying to do what she thinks is right and putting her happiness last. Only she can realise this and make the change.either way you both got to meet someone that made you feel magical, chemistry, bliss and you will always be a part of each others hearts in that way forever. Always bound by that time even if you both move on.

    5) you mentioned about medication and using alcohol to sleep. Firstly brilliant and well done on the medication-you accepted you needed some help and got out and got it! That’s really brave. I know now is really hard and you are in so much pain but just dont get in a habit with alcohol. It’s really easy and numbing but I find I get more sad and more weepy on alcohol even if at first it numbs me so actually any more than one shot glass full and I know I will get say-so just watch out for this. In terms of other modes of comfort could you sleep with a hot water bottle, sleep listening to an audiobooks or guided meditation or the radio-anything to help you relax. I have tried medication -for me it made my brain feel very foggy and slow and the side effects made me not last on them long. All I can say is that medication is a help and it’s not the whole way- the pain is still there and you still need to go through it. I would say take it day by day. Just focus on getting a good morning routine, then to lunch and so so on. Sometimes to make it easier for me I pretend I am an alien who has just landed in my life and has the chance to make my morning routine (and lunch and evening) the nicest it can possibly be. This allows me to ask the question of myself ‘what can I do to make this morning go well?’eg have a shower, exercise, hot coffee etc and all those little things add up. It’s not the same feeling as with your soulmate, not close, but it’s being kind to you which does feel good.

    I would be happy to talk to you more as there is more I could say but this is getting rambly! If you dont decide to reply I would like you wish you strength and luck and know that you will get through this and be okay again.

    #354530
    anita
    Participant

    Dear David:

    I read your original post and would like to come back to your thread tomorrow morning when I am more focused (in about 11 hours from now). For now, it may help you to check out a website, www. headspace. com. It has links to various guided meditations and mindfulness exercises that may help you relax, some of them designed to improve sleep.

    anita

    #354532
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you for the reply.

    I completely accept, and even support her being with her husband, if it is what makes her happy. Coming from a divorced household, I know it will be better for the kids if they are able to be happy together. I just hate that it cost so much. That is what I’m having the hardest time with. The entire time we were together, she kept telling me that no matter what, she couldn’t stand not having me in her life in some way. We were too important to each other. And idk how many times she said that if she was ever given the ultimatum between choosing me in her life, that she would never be able to not choose that. I saw it coming. I hate to say it, but im pretty good at reading people and situations. But accepting that, accepting that I’ve lost my best friend. Letting go. That is what I’m having the hard time doing. I can’t get her off my mind. At all. I try all the distraction techniques I can. But my mind always goes back to her. And what I lost. That is what the alcohol is mainly for. Just slowing down my thoughts, so they aren’t rushing as much.

     

    And thank you Anita, I’ll check that site out.

    #354536
    Alice
    Participant

    Hi David,

    Good to hear from you.

    I think what she says holds true- it WILL feel impossible to her to not have you in her life, she will be hurting so much too and maybe more as she will always have the “what if” of it all. You sound very compassionate and caring for her- unconditional love -and that is beautiful- though painful and shows you have a open big heart.

    In terms of thoughts rushing, I have found this so hard too. One thing that helps me is to count each breath in and out up to 10 and then  back again from 1-10 over and over. The deep  breaths make me feel calmer and normally by the time I get to near 20 my thoughts are slower and my brain starts to relax. It takes alot of willpower to stay with this boring activity as your brain wants to “figure things out” with the person you love or it wants to relive the pleasure or painful parts over and over. This gives you some temporary feeling of doing something  but in my case I found long term it just ended up with me crying.. so the breathing exercises could help. I would also suggest Michael Singer and his surrender experiment book ad youtubes. Again a distraction but hearing him talk about the voice inside your head and samaras (the cycle of energy that comes up time and time again) has helped me understand my emotions more and why things keep coming up.

    I hope you are able to find some peace tonight. Wishing you well and thinking of you.

    #354542
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I will have to look that book up when I get off work. I will have to give the breathing counting a try. I don’t think I’ve gotten more then 8 hours of sleep since Friday. I’ll get 2 or 3, and then wake up with my chest hurting and not be able to go back to sleep. Should make for an interesting night of trying to stay away sitting in a control booth all night at a prison.

    #354576
    Alice
    Participant

    Good luck with that David. I hope you do manage to get some sleep. I know first hand how getting less than 7hours makes it hard to function.

    #354600
    anita
    Participant

    Dear David:

    You’ve been having a female friend since high school, about ten years. Throughout these years she’s been in a relationship with another man whom she married and with whom she has two young children. You wrote about her husband: “he hates me. Always has”.

    At one point, she had “dark and depressing thoughts”. She suffered from “some medical stuff”, and took medication that “were messing with her memory”. She had a “mental and medical history”.

    The two of you talked and “figured out that her Husband had been really controlling and emotionally abusing her for a couple of years”, and she told you that she wanted to divorce him for quite a while, but was afraid to do so because her family are “die hard bible readers (who) would disown her”.

    You offered her to “help her, and him, understand things so they could cope and make it”.

    Before I go on, a question to you: if he hates you and always did hate you (“he hates me. Always has”), how could you possibly help him to understand things so that they could cope and make it as a couple?

    anita

     

    #354610
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi David,

    I love the advice you’re getting here especially the part about the breathing exercises. When I realize that my thoughts are creating distress in me I take a “time out” and focus on my breathing. I concentrate on each breath, visualizing the air entering my lungs and then exiting. When distracted by a thought during this exercise I let it go, relax my shoulders, and get back to focusing on each breath. My mind is constantly scanning for thoughts to attach itself to, often negative ones, so by concentrating on each breath I’m giving it a little break, and what a relief it is to have a little break. Like Alice said it may take many breaths to feel calmer.

    David, this exercise may be very difficult and frustrating at first but if you stick with it in time you may realize that no matter where you are and what you’re doing you alone have the ability to feel better. Knowing this makes me feel empowered and brings me some peace.

    B

    #354664
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Brandy for the reply and I’ll keep on trying with the breathing exercises.

     

    Anita, to answer your question. I offered to help her see things from his point of view and try and figure out why he did or didn’t respond in the ways she needed. Such as with her depressing thoughts. His reaction to them would be to literally ignore them, or change the subject(much like my friends). I tried to explain to her and help her see that for people who aren’t used to hearing about those kinds of things, and especially if they do not have much experience with it themselves, they simply may not know how to react or respond. They may be caught off guard, struggling to figure out what they need to do to help, and scared that they may say or do the wrong thing to make things worse.

     

    As far as he goes, I offered to help try and council him on how to respond to her when she gets in the dark moods, what actions would be best and what not(like knowing when to leave her alone and when to hold her). To my face, he seemed appreciative and listened. We talked a decent amount about other things he struggled with, that he seen I was able to help with(figuring out by subtle clues how she is feeling and shit(I’ve always been really intune with other peoples feelings. Really empathatic and what not)). I thought the past(highschool days between him and I) where just that, in the past. But, I found out later that after I left he would just complain about me and how much he didn’t like me and some pretty nasty shit. I had a lot of major accusations thrown my way by him that he later admitted he just made up because he didn’t like me. And I didn’t just throw out the offers out of no where, He asked for the help in the first place because he could see that talking to me helped her.

    #354666
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Also, I just wanted to add this. I’ve accepted the way things are between us. Well, logically I have. Emotionally it still doesn’t like it, but I’m well aware that it is out of my hands. As my favorite saying goes, “It is what it is.” The main things I’m looking for help are, are understanding why my reaction to this one is so much worse than any other break up I’ve had before. Why I’m having such a hard time letting go. I know time will take care of it eventually, and I just have to keep going forward. I guess I just needed to vent a bit and actually get the story out(for obvious reason, I’ve had to keep a lot of it secret from most people). During everything, I knew it was wrong. I never wanted to be a home wrecker, I rationalized it in my head by saying I wasn’t the one breaking them up. She wanted out, I was just giving her the strength to do it. It wasn’t just fooling around with a married woman, because she was wanting a divorce and to not be with him. That in the end, she would be happy and that was what mattered. But after it was all said and done, I can’t help but feel guilty and like a piece of shit for messing around with a married woman.

    #354670
    anita
    Participant

    Dear David:

    You explained to your then lover that her husband “may be caught off guard” when she expressed to him her depressive thoughts. I bet he was caught of guard when he found out that you were his wife’s lover, wasn’t he?

    And you offered council him on how to respond to his wife when she gets in her dark moods while you were responding to her… you get my point.

    Her husband may very well be unkind and whatnot, but you didn’t help to make him a better man by giving him council while having sex with his wife (it makes husbands bitter when that happens!)

    anita

    #354672
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks for the replies from people that were actually trying to help and not judge me for what I’ve already admitted was wrong. I think I’m just gonna go.

    #354674
    anita
    Participant

    Dear David:

    I hope you feel better and that you learn from your experience, to be a better person to others and to yourself.

    anita

     

    #354676
    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under topics

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