Dear gamer:

Please pay attention to the following because I am putting my best thought into it:

1. He reads like a decent, mature young man, and exceptionally so. Reads like he really does love you, that he is aware of his fears, that he is honest with himself and with you, and that he is realistic, responsible and conscientious. I am quite impressed.

2. Here is what you said right in the latest exchange with him: “I want to be with u… I’m very sad, I miss you a lot, and I don’t want for us to be like this anymore. I want to be okay with you, okay with us. I want things to become easy between us. I want to make your life easier, not difficult”.

3. Here is what you said wrong in the latest exchange:

3a. After he said “.. you being upset as if I was gonna hang with friends or what not”, you said: “but I was never upset about any of that”-

You started this sentence with the word “but” which is an invitation to an arguemnt. You are focused on winning an argument that you are creating. And you are willing to sacrifice the truth.. and his mental health so  to win your argument. The truth that you sacrificed here is that you were upset with him. Of course you were upset with him many times, for the “what not” reasons he was referring to. When he tells you the truth, as he has, and then you deny it, you are harming his mental health.

To create arguments and try to win them at the expense of the truth and the expense of your partner’s mental health is the worst thing you can do in the context of an intimate relationship.

What you should have said was something like this: I realize now that I often blamed you when I felt bad, as if you were responsible for me feeling badly, as if you can fix how I feel. Now I realize that I am responsible for my feelings and it was wrong of me to blame you for how I feel. I need to change my behavior with you and do my part to make our relationship a place of safety and peace for you, and for me.

3b. After he said: “it hurts me so much I can’t make you happy or have a positive impact on you, I just want you to be happy.”, you said: “But u do make me happy though: why can’t we improve ourselves together”-

Once again, you started with a “but”, initiating an argument that you want to win, with no consideration of the truth or his mental health.

It is not true that he makes you happy- I am a witness in this thread of how unhappy you are in regard to him and otherwise. So you lied again.

— You wrote to him: “I don’t want to do this where we’re both angry or at odds with each other”, and yet you followed two sentences with “but”, denying the truth he pointed to, initiating/ inviting him to an argument and trying to win it dishonestly.

The biggest lessons for you to learn at this point is to not lie to the man you supposedly love, don’t deny the truth he brought up so responsibly and maturely. Validate the truth he brought up to you, don’t deny it! An emotionally intimate relationship of any kind (between friends, between parents and their children, between partners, etc.) need to be an honest Win-Win relationship, not a dishonest Win-Lose relationsihp.

Don’t aim at saying to him whatever you think will work to make him do what you want him to do (in this case, resume the relationship). Say what is true with the goal  of working together as a team in which his mental health is not less important than yours. His mental health should not be sacrificed so that you can get your way!

anita