May 17, 2020 at 11:19 am #355556
Remember the goal of the no contact rule: the goal is not that you suffer but that you lessen your emotional attachment to him, so that you can feel that you can survive life without him in your life. That way you will be able to relax once he is back in your life. It will not be that you have to have him in your life, but that you prefer to have him in your life.
Less desperation for him=> less anxiety=> less anger.
anitaMay 17, 2020 at 12:18 pm #355560
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>You are right. I guess to me it’s just so hard to grasp the concept of not talking to each other. From being lovers to complete strangers as if right now. I am scared that after this no contact rule, he will be better off without me. Or that he won’t want me anymore. I’m not sure. My mind is wandering to different thoughts.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I am trying to distract myself by spending time with my family and sitting with them, but deep in my mind I am just thinking about him. What he’s doing and how he is doing. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I don’t want this to be the end for us. I just hope things become clear for both of us so we can be back together. I truly believe he is the one for me, my soulmate. As dumb as it may sounds considering what I’ve shared with you for the past couple weeks, I truly feel that way about him. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I’m not sure if it’s desperation or more anxiety. I’m so worried about the outcome of this when I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t worry but my mind is wandering there. I know I should try to stay positive and work things out myself, but it’s very hard to. Because of this pandemic, I already feel alone. I’m usually alone in my house as well. I do have some friends but I don’t consider them close. I have one really good friend and I shared this wish her and she is checking in on me. Besides that I just feel so alone so that’s why I worry and get anxious. </span></p>May 17, 2020 at 12:48 pm #355566
“from being lovers to complete strangers as if right now”- just because you don’t talk to him or see him, doesn’t mean you are complete strangers. You were complete strangers before you met him. Imagine the person who is so important to you now- he wasn’t important to you at all before you met him. You lived a life before you met him and, you can live your life now with no contact with him.
I suggest you fill your day with something new, a new routine that includes daily exercise: a fast walk twice a day maybe, a guided meditation first thing in the morning (I recommend The Mountain Meditation) and before bed, a daily study.. fill your day with structure, and see how that helps you.
Like I wrote to you before: you have to stop being so desperate for him. He is not necessary for you to live. He is not your oxygen, you can breathe without him!
anitaMay 17, 2020 at 1:25 pm #355574
You are right. Since it is difficult for me right now to avoid contact with him, I also cut down on social media and deleted the applications off my phone so I don’t feel tempted to message him or see what he’s doing. I do have SnapChat and we have a streak but I haven’t snapped him since last night so that streak will definitely die tonight.
I will try the meditation tomorrow morning, or actually — maybe tonight before I sleep and see how it goes. Thank you very much anita, I hope things become easier and I will do my best to let go of the desperation, anxiety and the animosity I have. There is a lot I want to improve for myself and with your help, I will be able to focus more on that this summer.
Thank you once again, you have been an incredible source of support for me during this time.May 17, 2020 at 2:54 pm #355596
You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation of me- it feels good to read it!
Do let me know how the meditation goes. Many people resist guided meditations because trying to relax stresses them out- that was my experience when I first tried guided meditations (2011- part of my homework after therapy sessions at that time was to listen to one every day), but if you give it a chance, or a few chances, it will work for you too.
May 17, 2020 at 5:02 pm #355622
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
I will. It’s just very hard for me to process all of this.
I keep reaching for my phone wanting to call him. My intuition keeps telling me to… I do not like this feeling.
I was going through old screenshots and these were dated in July 2019.
He said “We will work this out, you’ll see improvements from today and onwards, we just gotta work within our limits. I love you very much, never ever forget the bigger picture”
In a different screenshot he wrote this: “I don’t give up easily, u know that. I want it to work as badly as u do”
Another screenshot he said how he wouldn’t like taking a break from me because not taking to me, will make him sad.
Even last night on the phone call, he said he would still want to keep in contact with me and he said he doesn’t know how he can move forward without talking to me. My heart is telling me to message him but I also tend to act on my emotions a lot.
I was talking to my counselor, and she said to do what my heart says. And that if I decide to contact him, I should explore what I should say to him, what potential responses would be, and how I would feel about those responses.May 17, 2020 at 7:16 pm #355628
If you reach out to him, if you do- leave your desperation out of the conversation, and the anger. Talk to him as if he was just another human (which he is), struggling like you.
anitaMay 17, 2020 at 7:41 pm #355638
What would I say? Do you suggest this?
I just don’t want this break.May 17, 2020 at 7:50 pm #355644
Tell him that you are sad, that you miss him, that you don’t want to be angry with him anymore, that you don’t want to make demands of him anymore, that you want it easy between the two of you; that you want to make his life easier, not more difficult.
* Contact him only if you can leave your anger out of a conversation, only if you can stop making demands of him.
Don’t act like he owes you anything more than respect and be appreciative for anything positive that he initiates. Focus on the positive he offers you, appreciate the small things.
anitaMay 17, 2020 at 7:57 pm #355650
I messaged him on SnapChat and he responded quickly.
Me: Hi 🙁
Him: Hey:) What’s up
Me: I’m sad
Him: Trust me I am too
Me; :/ then why can’t we make this work
Him: We had this convo yesterday, it sucks so much but we can’t do much about it
Me: i don’t want any of this though i just want things to work and for it to be easy
Him: How can that be possible when everything we said yesterday was true. I don’t want any of this either. It completely sucks. Truly. I had my whole future centered around you it feels endless hurt within me when I think about you but what can I do when I feel like we aren’t getting along like we used to? How i feel scared and can’t get over that
I don’t know what to say, please help
May 17, 2020 at 9:13 pm #355702
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by gamer.
I just noticed your recent post, you should have stopped after you said that you feel sad, before you asked “why can’t we make this work”- that’s demanding something. If you talk to him again, it must be a zero demand, zero pressure communication on your part.
anitaMay 17, 2020 at 9:26 pm #355704
Here is an update:
Him: I don’t want to leave you nor do I want conflict. Today I was thinking about you and working so I was in the middle. I miss you and I don’t want us to be hurt but then again we have trouble understanding each other, believing each other, and also being happy with each other. I’m truly conflicted cause I will always love you but I hate having to feel the pressure of you being upset as if I was gonna hang with friends or what not
Me: but i was never upset about any that :/ I’m just really sad and I miss you and I don’t want to do this where we’re both angry or at odds with each other
Him: I don’t know how we can truly make things work tho
Me: wait so do u think time will fix all of this
Him: I love you to the point were I would be willing to take time to completely improve myself so I can properly treat you right dude it hurts me so much I can’t make you happy or have a positive impact on you I just want you to be happy I need to be able to be happy with you and not doubt each other
Me: But u do make me happy though :/ why can’t we improve ourselves together though, isn’t that the whole point of growing together 🙁
Him: I wish it was as easy as that I wish I can fix everything rn but my underlying fears will always get in front
Me: I don’t want to take a break tho 🙁 I want to be with u
Him: I want to be with you so badly I just don’t know how to make things work rn because of what we’ve been through
Me: but 🙁 i’m very sad, I miss you a lot, and I don’t want for us to be like this anymore. I want to be okay with you, okay with us. I want things to become easy between us. i want to make your life easier, not difficult 🙁
that was about 40 min ago, he hasn’t opened it yet
May 18, 2020 at 6:39 am #355734
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by gamer.
Please pay attention to the following because I am putting my best thought into it:
1. He reads like a decent, mature young man, and exceptionally so. Reads like he really does love you, that he is aware of his fears, that he is honest with himself and with you, and that he is realistic, responsible and conscientious. I am quite impressed.
2. Here is what you said right in the latest exchange with him: “I want to be with u… I’m very sad, I miss you a lot, and I don’t want for us to be like this anymore. I want to be okay with you, okay with us. I want things to become easy between us. I want to make your life easier, not difficult”.
3. Here is what you said wrong in the latest exchange:
3a. After he said “.. you being upset as if I was gonna hang with friends or what not”, you said: “but I was never upset about any of that”-
You started this sentence with the word “but” which is an invitation to an arguemnt. You are focused on winning an argument that you are creating. And you are willing to sacrifice the truth.. and his mental health so to win your argument. The truth that you sacrificed here is that you were upset with him. Of course you were upset with him many times, for the “what not” reasons he was referring to. When he tells you the truth, as he has, and then you deny it, you are harming his mental health.
To create arguments and try to win them at the expense of the truth and the expense of your partner’s mental health is the worst thing you can do in the context of an intimate relationship.
What you should have said was something like this: I realize now that I often blamed you when I felt bad, as if you were responsible for me feeling badly, as if you can fix how I feel. Now I realize that I am responsible for my feelings and it was wrong of me to blame you for how I feel. I need to change my behavior with you and do my part to make our relationship a place of safety and peace for you, and for me.
3b. After he said: “it hurts me so much I can’t make you happy or have a positive impact on you, I just want you to be happy.”, you said: “But u do make me happy though: why can’t we improve ourselves together”-
Once again, you started with a “but”, initiating an argument that you want to win, with no consideration of the truth or his mental health.
It is not true that he makes you happy- I am a witness in this thread of how unhappy you are in regard to him and otherwise. So you lied again.
— You wrote to him: “I don’t want to do this where we’re both angry or at odds with each other”, and yet you followed two sentences with “but”, denying the truth he pointed to, initiating/ inviting him to an argument and trying to win it dishonestly.
The biggest lessons for you to learn at this point is to not lie to the man you supposedly love, don’t deny the truth he brought up so responsibly and maturely. Validate the truth he brought up to you, don’t deny it! An emotionally intimate relationship of any kind (between friends, between parents and their children, between partners, etc.) need to be an honest Win-Win relationship, not a dishonest Win-Lose relationsihp.
Don’t aim at saying to him whatever you think will work to make him do what you want him to do (in this case, resume the relationship). Say what is true with the goal of working together as a team in which his mental health is not less important than yours. His mental health should not be sacrificed so that you can get your way!
anitaMay 18, 2020 at 10:59 am #355770
<p class=”p1″>I didn’t realize how it was when I used the word “but” I didn’t think of it too much tbh. Thank you. After reading it I understand what I should do to communicate better and effectively with him and with anyone — but I’m not sure if I can do that right now.</p>
From the last post he responded with this:
Him: Please tell me how that is realistic I miss u so much but how is it realistic
Me: I never wanted this break. I was sad all day bc we didn’t talk. I was sad, hurt, crying but that never changed my decision of wanting to be with you
Him: I never wanted to end things and I never wanted this to happen in the first place. I wanted us to be at ease with each other not each other’s necks How can I possibly see a solution right now I love you with all my heart but what am I supposed to so when things are like this
Me: would you like me to leave you alone… will that help you think things through and not be confused?
Him: what did you feel about yesterday (referring to yday’s phone call)
Me: I was sad… you want to take a 3 month break from me?
Him: I’m sad too, and there’s no number to it. I just dont want to be the same as we are now I need to go back to how things were and for that to happen we have to completely restart and revisit things some time
Me: Just so you know I love you so whenever ur ready to talk again, then lmk 🙁
Him: I hate that it has to be like this and I love you so much okay, It’s just we need to do things so we can be better in the long run
and then I asked him if we were still together even though we are taking a break. He responded saying “how can we be together when we’re trying to take time for ourselves :(”
I asked him if this was like a breakup then… and he responded “I want us to be together it all depends on how we’re feeling and doing and if we’re actually ready yo make things right”
I asked him if I was getting my hopes of (of us getting back together after the break is over) and he said “no ur completely right and not getting ur hopes up cause I want the same thing. All i’m saying is that we should take time to ourselves so we can truly make each other happy you get what I am saying?”
I asked him “isn’t it safe to assume that whenever this break ends, we can talk? this is breaking my heart, this truly sucks”
he said: “my heart is broken trust me and yes we will definitely talk. We just need some space between us for some time to restore our self love, happiness and discipline.”
So then I responded saying “If you change ur mind and want to talk and sort things out, give me a call”
He said: You can give me a call anytime”
I’m not sure what else I can say to him. I’m not sure what this means. We aren’t together anymore.
The reason why I said “if you change ur mind…” was because he asked for space so I thought if I messaged him that, eventually he can message me back whenever time comes around.
What do you think of all this? I don’t know what to think and what his response means… 🙁
May 18, 2020 at 12:46 pm #355780
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by gamer.
So far, according to the conversations you posted, he seems to be exceptionally honest, logical, sensible, patient and wise about relationships.
He is saying that he loves you but the relationship with you has been making him miserable for a long while and he doesn’t want to be miserable. He is closing the door on a bad relationship with you and is willing to open the door to a good relationship with you later on.
As is I don’t think that you are able to have a good relationship with him or with anyone because you are argumentative, selfish, impulsive, desperate and impatient. You want what you want right now, you’ll say anything to get it, and you don’t consider the long term.
Ask him what he thinks about No Contact, if he would like that, if he thinks it’s a good idea, and if so, for how long. Just ask, don’t tell him yet again what it is that you want (no break at all). Ask him and let me know what he says.