You are right. I guess to me it’s just so hard to grasp the concept of not talking to each other. From being lovers to complete strangers as if right now. I am scared that after this no contact rule, he will be better off without me. Or that he won’t want me anymore. I’m not sure. My mind is wandering to different thoughts.

I am trying to distract myself by spending time with my family and sitting with them, but deep in my mind I am just thinking about him. What he’s doing and how he is doing.

I don’t want this to be the end for us. I just hope things become clear for both of us so we can be back together. I truly believe he is the one for me, my soulmate. As dumb as it may sounds considering what I’ve shared with you for the past couple weeks, I truly feel that way about him.

I’m not sure if it’s desperation or more anxiety. I’m so worried about the outcome of this when I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t worry but my mind is wandering there. I know I should try to stay positive and work things out myself, but it’s very hard to. Because of this pandemic, I already feel alone. I’m usually alone in my house as well. I do have some friends but I don’t consider them close. I have one really good friend and I shared this wish her and she is checking in on me. Besides that I just feel so alone so that’s why I worry and get anxious.

You are right. Since it is difficult for me right now to avoid contact with him, I also cut down on social media and deleted the applications off my phone so I don’t feel tempted to message him or see what he’s doing. I do have SnapChat and we have a streak but I haven’t snapped him since last night so that streak will definitely die tonight.

I will try the meditation tomorrow morning, or actually — maybe tonight before I sleep and see how it goes. Thank you very much anita, I hope things become easier and I will do my best to let go of the desperation, anxiety and the animosity I have. There is a lot I want to improve for myself and with your help, I will be able to focus more on that this summer.

Thank you once again, you have been an incredible source of support for me during this time.

I will. It’s just very hard for me to process all of this.

I keep reaching for my phone wanting to call him. My intuition keeps telling me to… I do not like this feeling.

I was going through old screenshots and these were dated in July 2019.

He said “We will work this out, you’ll see improvements from today and onwards, we just gotta work within our limits.  I love you very much, never ever forget the bigger picture”

In a different screenshot he wrote this: “I don’t give up easily, u know that. I want it to work as badly as u do”

Another screenshot he said how he wouldn’t like taking a break from me because not taking to me, will make him sad.

Even last night on the phone call, he said he would still want to keep in contact with me and he said he doesn’t know how he can move forward without talking to me. My heart is telling me to message him but I also tend to act on my emotions a lot.

I was talking to my counselor, and she said to do what my heart says. And that if I decide to contact him, I should explore what I should say to him, what potential responses would be, and how I would feel about those responses.

What would I say? Do you suggest this?

I just don’t want this break.

I messaged him on SnapChat and he responded quickly.

Me: Hi 🙁

Him: Hey:) What’s up

Me: I’m sad

Him: Trust me I am too

Me; :/ then why can’t we make this work

Him: We had this convo yesterday, it sucks so much but we can’t do much about it

Me: i don’t want any of this though i just want things to work and for it to be easy

Him: How can that be possible when everything we said yesterday was true. I don’t want any of this either. It completely sucks. Truly. I had my whole future centered around you it feels endless hurt within me when I think about you but what can I do when I feel like we aren’t getting along like we used to? How i feel scared and can’t get over that

I don’t know what to say, please help

Here is an update:
Him: I don’t want to leave you nor do I want conflict. Today I was thinking about you and working so I was in the middle. I miss you and I don’t want us to be hurt but then again we have trouble understanding each other, believing each other, and also being happy with each other. I’m truly conflicted cause I will always love you but I hate having to feel the pressure of you being upset as if I was gonna hang with friends or what not
Me: but i was never upset about any that :/ I’m just really sad and I miss you and I don’t want to do this where we’re both angry or at odds with each other
Him: I don’t know how we can truly make things work tho
Me: wait so do u think time will fix all of this
Him: I love you to the point were I would be willing to take time to completely improve myself so I can properly treat you right dude it hurts me so much I can’t make you happy or have a positive impact on you I just want you to be happy I need to be able to be happy with you and not doubt each other
Me: But u do make me happy though :/ why can’t we improve ourselves together though, isn’t that the whole point of growing together 🙁
Him: I wish it was as easy as that I wish I can fix everything rn but my underlying fears will always get in front
Me: I don’t want to take a break tho 🙁 I want to be with u
Him: I want to be with you so badly I just don’t know how to make things work rn because of what we’ve been through
Me: but 🙁 i’m very sad, I miss you a lot, and I don’t want for us to be like this anymore. I want to be okay with you, okay with us. I want things to become easy between us. i want to make your life easier, not difficult 🙁

that was about 40 min ago, he hasn’t opened it yet

I didn’t realize how it was when I used the word “but” I didn’t think of it too much tbh. Thank you. After reading it I understand what I should do to communicate better and effectively with him and with anyone — but I’m not sure if I can do that right now.

From the last post he responded with this:

Him: Please tell me how that is realistic I miss u so much but how is it realistic

Me: I never wanted this break. I was sad all day bc we didn’t talk. I was sad, hurt, crying but that never changed my decision of wanting to be with you

Him: I never wanted to end things and I never wanted this to happen in the first place. I wanted us to be at ease with each other not each other’s necks How can I possibly see a solution right now I love you with all my heart but what am I supposed to so when things are like this

Me: would you like me to leave you alone… will that help you think things through and not be confused?

Him: what did you feel about yesterday (referring to yday’s phone call)

Me: I was sad… you want to take a 3 month break from me?

Him: I’m sad too, and there’s no number to it. I just dont want to be the same as we are now I need to go back to how things were and for that to happen we have to completely restart and revisit things some time

Me: Just so you know I love you so whenever ur ready to talk again, then lmk 🙁

Him: I hate that it has to be like this and I love you so much okay, It’s just we need to do things so we can be better in the long run

and then I asked him if we were still together even though we are taking a break. He responded saying “how can we be together when we’re trying to take time for ourselves :(”

I asked him if this was like a breakup then… and he responded “I want us to be together it all depends on how we’re feeling and doing and if we’re actually ready yo make things right”

I asked him if I was getting my hopes of (of us getting back together after the break is over) and he said “no ur completely right and not getting ur hopes up cause I want the same thing. All i’m saying is that we should take time to ourselves so we can truly make each other happy you get what I am saying?”

I asked him “isn’t it safe to assume that whenever this break ends, we can talk? this is breaking my heart, this truly sucks”

he said: “my heart is broken trust me and yes we will definitely talk. We just need some space between us for some time to restore our self love, happiness and discipline.”

So then I responded saying “If you change ur mind and want to talk and sort things out, give me a call”

He said: You can give me a call anytime”

I’m not sure what else I can say to him. I’m not sure what this means. We aren’t together anymore.

The reason why I said “if you change ur mind…” was because he asked for space so I thought if I messaged him that, eventually he can message me back whenever time comes around.

What do you think of all this? I don’t know what to think and what his response means… 🙁