May 9, 2020 at 8:15 am #354168
“I haven’t properly heard his explanation as to why he felt unsure in the first place, what made him ‘stuck in the middle’, what made him change his mind.. After I find those things out, I can feel some type of peace in my heart and move forward whether or not this will work out”-
– I doubt that he will be able to give you an adequate explanation. More likely he will be guessing as to reasons, and not presenting to you an accurate picture of what went on before/ what will be going on when he speaks to you.
Clarity is not likely to come from him.
What is clear is that the title of your thread is “Heartbroken”- this is how you’ve been feeling for a while in context of your relationship with him, and also, clear to me, is that you shouldn’t wait heartbroken for him to adequately explains things to you (I don’t think he can).
I think that you are holding on to how you felt with him before, early on, waiting to feel that way again. Better you let go of those good memories with him, accepting them as something in your past. Then clear your mind and heart so to look forward to a better future later, with someone else.
anitaMay 10, 2020 at 9:37 pm #354408
I still care for him and love him very much but because all of this had happened so quickly in a matter of a couple of days it definitely clouded my judgment when I saw him after so long. From the first post I made to this thread, yes I was heartbroken and it’s my title, and I was confused and lost but I still loved him then and now. My feelings haven’t changed for him. With the frequent fights, the disagreements, I still view him as my partner and would be willing to sit down and work things through. I have thought about a lot between us during this time and realized what I want and expect in a relationship and I am open to hearing his thoughts as well on what he is thinking and expects from me. I want clarity. I want a proper explanation. I deserve to know that at the most, don’t you think?
My idea is that after his examination week ends (which is next week), we meet and discuss everything. I am the type of person that likes to talk every little thing thoroughly and he knows that. Right now we are talking via social media, little to no texting, he did call me this morning and it was a short phone call so right now, things are okay. I don’t want to just clear my mind and move forward without at least hearing his side, what he has to say, and what we can both agree to because it’s both of us in this relationship. It’s a big decision to make and I want to make sure we both agree on it (if it were to come to that point where we are not together).May 11, 2020 at 8:24 am #354448
You wrote that although heartbroken and confused, you “still loved him then and now”, and you still view him as your partner, and you want “to sit down and work things through” with him.
“I want clarity. I want a proper explanation. I deserve to know that at the most, don’t you think?-
-yes, I think that you do deserve clarity and a proper explanation. I just don’t know if he is able to give you a proper explanation, but you can come up with a proper explanation yourself, based on what he told you already and what he will tell you in the future, putting together all his input over time, and figuring out yourself what is happening.
In other words, you can get the clarity you need and deserve, but arrive at it yourself. In other words, let’s say you are in a desert, thirsty. You need and deserve water. But if you stand by a rock, beating it with a stick, you can’t get water that way, no matter how long you stand there beating it with a stick. You will have to move onward and look for water elsewhere.
I am not sure that this man we are discussing is a rock, in this context. It will be up to you to find out, over time. For now, I understand that you have hope for water= a healthy relationship with him, and hope that it will happen for you.
May 14, 2020 at 1:11 am #354894
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Hi Anita. I don’t have an update for you yet besides the fact that he’s been trying to call and communicate with me. It’s obviously not where I want us to be, but these things take time and I don’t want to rush it. I believe we are meeting on Friday to talk about us.
Today I noticed my bf was following a bunch of random girls on a social media app — girls that he doesn’t even know! They follow him and he follows them back. Is it wrong for me to feel upset over this? To be clear, I don’t care if he likes another girls picture but I just don’t understand as to why he follows back these random girls. I just don’t know how to bring this up to him because I don’t want to sound controlling but I am curious as to why he does that.
A very long time ago (probably when we first started dating), I saw his phone and saw his requests and followers on the app and so I asked him why he follows back random people and he said “they request, I just accept and follow back like the nice guy I am” and laughed. I responded saying that was kinda weird and we left it at that. I didn’t think of it too much and it never bothered me at all. But it just started to bother me now and I’m not sure why. Is this normal?May 14, 2020 at 7:03 am #354924
You wrote earlier, “I want clarity. I want a proper explanation”, so I am not surprised that you are most recently “curious as to why he does that” (that being him “following a bunch of random girls on a social media app”).You are a curious person, you want to learn what you don’t know, to understand better, and to have clarity instead of confusion.
To learn more about him, to understand him better, to have clarity about him, ask him questions and process his answers, as well as any information he gives you and information you gather yourself about him. Your brain is like a computer: feed it correct information and it will process all the information and come up with correct explanations.
“A very long time ago.. I asked him why he follows back random people and he said ‘they requested, I just accept and follow back like the nice guy I am’ and laughed”. He laughed because he knew that he followed the girls because they are girls, not because he is a nice guy. I don’t think he was trying to deceive you about his motive. I think that his laugh indicates that he was joking, having fun with his answer.
It’s easy to understand that a young heterosexual man follows random girls on social media because he thinks they look good and/or because he is flattered by their attention. This is quite understandable, to me, and not an indication that he is a bad person unless he is in an ongoing committed relationship (which was not the case at the very beginning when you met him, and it is not the case now).
anitaMay 15, 2020 at 8:57 pm #355276
Hi Anita. Today I met him and we talked about the space and what he was thinking for the past week and a half. To sum up what he said, here it is: He stated that he felt so distant from me and he knew he wasn’t properly communicating with me. He always thought I was complaining every time I mentioned what was wrong and the complaints were every other day. Because of that, he was anxious and worried every time he would call or text because he thought I’d list out complaints and blame him and that drove him away. He even told me he was so worried that I was unhappy and because of that he just kept blaming himself for it all. He believed that he couldn’t do anything to make me happy and when I asked him about this space and him being unsure, he said he really wanted me to be his partner but he was just always worried and anxious with me.
I listened, then responded saying maybe it’s best if we just take the time to ourselves so he can heal first. Even though I do not want this to happen I hate that he feels this way towards me. He feels anxious and worried constantly and fears that we will fight all the time, when I simply just want to talk to him. After I said this, he responded saying he really wants this to work out and that we can use this upcoming summer to really heal the brokenness and come together as a whole and be happy.
You see, I agree with his proposed solution but to me in the back of my mind, if we’re still together working this out, I’ll always worry if I’m saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. I’ll always worry if he’s anxious or worried, or even fearing talking to me. I really love him and I’d do anything for him but after today’s conversation, I am at a loss. I’m not sure what to do. I love him and I want to be with him. I just want to be happy with him.
What do you think of all of this?May 16, 2020 at 5:45 am #355326
You wrote yesterday, May 15: “Today I met him.. He stated that he.. always thought I was complaining every time I mentioned what was wrong and the complaints were every other day. Because of that, he was anxious and worried every time he would call or text because he thought I’d list out complaints and blame him and that drove him away. He even told me he was so worried that I was unhappy and because of that he just kept blaming himself for it all. He believed that he couldn’t do anything to make me happy.. he was just always worried and anxious with me”-
– He was and is honest with you: what he said to you yesterday fits with what he said to you before. In your original post on this thread, May 3, you wrote: “He says he can’t open up to me and tell me what he feels bc he believes I will react a certain way.. he says that he believes we are always at odds against each other and as much as we try to fix things, things keep repeating from the past. We’ve had fights in the past”.
You wrote May 3: “I’m just blown by the fact that my boyfriend has anxiety with me”- well, no wonder he has anxiety with you: he is anxious at home because he is living with his mother with whom he is very anxious, he started a new business and he has a girlfriend that complains to him every other day, blaming him (or leading him to blame himself) for this and that, and with whom there is an at-odd relationship that includes fights.
He said on May 4, that he “doesn’t want the past to repeat”, and May 8, “he wanted to clear things up about us since he had a feeling I was upset”- still consistent with what he told you early on and yesterday, that he is “anxious and worried” about you complaining to him and fighting with him.
He told you yesterday, that “he kept blaming himself for it all”, and that fits with him telling you May 7: “He said he would do anything to make me happy and that he wanted to fix all of this mess he caused. He apologized again for wasting my time and energy, for hurting my feelings and for doing this all to me”.
In summary: if you want to get back with him, you have to stop complaining to him and fighting with him.
You wrote yesterday: “if we’re still together working this out, I’ll always worry if I’m saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. I’ll always worry if he’s anxious or worried, or even fearing talking to me”- there are ways for you to bring things up to him without complaining to him and pointing to him as inadequate, without causing him anxiety.
If you want to resume a relationship with him, you need to learn a new way of communicating with him, a peaceful, positive, non confrontational way. If you want, you can bring a topic to me that you brought up to him in the past, before the break (a complaint, a dissatisfaction on your part that led to a fight). Write to me what you said, what he said, what you said, etc., and I will show you how you could have brought up that topic to him in a different way than you did, a way that is not a complaint and that will not lead to a fight.
anitaMay 16, 2020 at 1:37 pm #355400
I will definitely do that. To recap, our arguments are about the same thing, inconsistency in lack of effort, time, affection and energy. I give so much of it and he knows this, but I don’t see it from him at all. He says he loves me and cares about me very much but it’s one thing to say it, and one to show it. He doesn’t show me at all that he loves me or cares. I don’t mean for him to buy me a gazillion flowers or anything extreme — but he used to always plan hang outs, call me every single day (even 2-3 times a day) even when he had the most busiest and tiring day, he still wanted to talk to me. He would’t let me sleep without us talking at least for a couple minutes. Our conversations would flow, we would still get to know each other and more. It’s the little things like that, I miss the most.
But back to yesterday’s conversation, after I said my solution and he said his, he said he would call me later that night and we would talk it out since something came up for him (work & family). I agreed and then dropped him off home. Later last night he didn’t end up calling me and when I reached out to him via SnapChat, he said he’d call tomorrow morning (as in today in the morning), and he never did. I reminded him gently that he said he was going to call and he said, “Gimme some time”
Here is how the conversation went on the chat, through SnapChat today:
Me: what’s up
Him: working 🙂 hbu?
Me: Not much, just chilling
Him: How are u feeling today
Me: I’m doing okay, hbu?
Him: I’m doing okay also.
Me: That’s great to hear, good for you
Him: Do you want me to leave you alone?
Me: You told me to give you some time
Him: What would you like to do
Me: Why are you asking me this? You said to give you some time so I respect that, I’m not sure what you’re thinking
Him: I want us to be happy
I didn’t respond because I’m not sure how to anymore. What do you think of all this?
May 16, 2020 at 5:19 pm #355426
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by gamer.
I will be able to read your recent post and reply when I am back at the computer in about 13 hours from now.
anitaMay 16, 2020 at 7:17 pm #355454
Continuing the last post here is what I said back when he stated he wanted us to be happy.
Me: You are confusing me
Him: You told me to take time so I guess we will not talk then
Me: You asked for time. Yday we talked but we didn’t decide because you had to go. Before you left my car, you said you would call later tonight. Then when I asked u, you said you’ll call me tomorrow morning (as in today) If you came to the decision of not wanting to talk to me, then that is fine bc you are confusing me when you say you want time but you are messaging me
Him: I’ve been busy with work, I’ll call u in a bit
Me: I get that but I was just telling you, I never said anything to you
This was 4 hours ago. I didn’t know what else to say so I never responded to his last message.
He never ended up calling, texting, or even message me.May 17, 2020 at 1:14 am #355478
Hello Anita it’s been a couple hours after I responded again with another post. Here is my last post; I’m sorry for the 3 posts.
I messaged him saying Hi and eventually he called me around midnight (he was busy at work) and I just hung up the phone (3am). He ended things with me. He said he wants to take time to himself to figure things out and he cannot see us being happy right now. He said it was a hard decision to make and he said he still loves me very much and cares for me.
I am so heartbroken, I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do anymore. I thought we could come through this together and resolve our issues and be happy. But he chose this. I even asked him if he was sure about this decision and he said it was very hard for him to make but he believes that this is needed and that maybe in the future, if our time comes, we can be together.
This is my first relationship ever. He was my first everything my first love and he met my friends and family, I don’t know what to do anymore. I still love him very much. I’m crying as I type this but how can I move past this? How can I be sure that things will work out for us? I wish he decided to work things out with me, I just don’t know anymore. Please help meMay 17, 2020 at 6:26 am #355502
You wrote that “He doesn’t show me at all that he loves me or cares”- I think that you greatly exaggerated in this sentence. He hasn’t show you as much love as you want him to show you, but he showed you some (not nothing).
“effort, time, affection and energy. I give so much of it and he knows it”- you give him so much effort, time, affection and animosity (the opposite of affection):
Let’s look at the SnapChat conversation of yesterday: he asked you how you were feeling, you said okay, how about you? He said: “I’m doing okay also”. Your response was: “That’s great to hear, good for you“- this is the animosity I am referring to. He said he was doing “okay”, not great. He didn’t mention anything great happening in his life, he just said that he was doing okay.
Your response: “That’s great to hear, good for you”- what’s so great or good? What it sounds like is that you were angry to read that he was doing okay, and that you wished he wasn’t okay.. because you are not okay, so you want him to be not okay.
Next, he says: “Do you want me to leave you alone?”- like I just did, he too noticed that you were angry at him, so he backed away from you. Later in that conversation, your anger is evident again: “Why are you asking me this? You said..”- angry and argumentative. Lastly in that conversation he said that he wants the two of you to be happy, and you didn’t answer (the silent angry response).
Some time after all that, you messaged him, he called you eventually at midnight, and after three hours on the phone, he broke up with you, saying “he wants to take time to himself to figure things out”.
You are heartbroken: “I still love him very much”- but gamer, you also hate him very much: affection and animosity, love and hate. As a matter of fact, in the SnapChat conversation- I detected no love on your part.
gamer, I think that you are confused about love vs hate. You feel love for him, but you show hate. No wonder he backed off from you. People do back off from hate.
I bet it is very unpleasant for you to read this, and I am sorry that you are hurting. I am not saying that he is a perfect young man, I am saying that you need to learn from this experience so that you can function better in the future, in the context of your next relationship, be it with him or with someone else.
Learn what you need to learn, perhaps the following: you can’t demand affection. Don’t make demands on people’s emotions. If a man misses you a lot one day, and the next day he misses you less, or not at all, don’t demand that he misses you just as much every day. Be content that a man likes you every day, appreciates you. No way a person can or should miss another every day at the same intensity- it is impossible and would make any person crazy!
When you get angry in the context of a relationship, take a time out to calm yourself and ask yourself: did he do something wrong, or am I angry because I am unrealistic (ex. expecting him to miss you one day just as much as the day before, or the year before, etc.)?
And then adjust your anger to reality, saying to yourself something like this: he didn’t miss me today and that’s okay, he still likes me, and I am okay. I don’t need him to miss me every day, etc.
anitaMay 17, 2020 at 9:10 am #355530
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>You are right. I was mad because i wish things were good between us and that wasn’t nice of me to do. I wish things were good between us again so we can be happy. For the past two weeks and maybe more, we have been on and off (from my first post) and since then, I was hurt, angry, confused. I wasn’t confused about my feelings towards him but instead confused about his feelings towards mine with everything that happened during those past posts. I let my anger get the best of me and that’s something I shouldn’t do and work on as you said during this time.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Last night during the phone call, he said it was a very hard decision for him to make. He said this was unhealthy and that we can’t move forward with this as much as he wants to so he said to take time to ourselves and when our time is right, we can be together. He said to take the summer to ourselves to figure things out. He still wanted to be able to contact me and talk to me, while on this big break, but I said no. I remember you mentioned no contact in the earlier posts and as much as it hurts to not talk to him, I think it’s truly best if I leave him alone, completely. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>To be honest, I woke up this morning thinking last night was just a bad dream and how I had hoped he texted me “good morning love” and start our day. I really wish that happened but it didn’t.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>What do you think of this no contact rule? </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He said to take summer to ourselves and that he still loves me and cares for me. I am afraid that even after the summer he may not want anything to do with me. My mind keeps wandering to those sad thoughts. Do you see us being together after all this? Will the no contact help?</span></p>May 17, 2020 at 9:27 am #355532
I think a no-contact summer is an excellent idea but I don’t know if you (or him) are able to make that happen. But yes, it is a good idea.
“Do you see us being together after all this?”- I think that there is a good chance because he is emotionally attached to you and he so far endured your unpleasant behavior, to say the least, without being done with you altogether.
“Will the no contact help?”- it will, but like I said I don’t know if you are can keep it up day after day, week after week, for a few months. Also, because he is willing to talk with you during this proposed summer break, it will be very tempting for you to contact him.
But I will be glad to be surprised by you being able to keep a No Contact Summer (NCS, for short) with him. It will help if your emotional attachment to him lessens as a result, and the sooner the better. For you to be healthier, you have to need him feel that you need him less; you have to see yourself alive and well without him. Only then can you be ready for a healthier relationship with him.
May 17, 2020 at 10:56 am #355546
- This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by anita.
Yeah I believe the entire summer will be hard af most, but I will try that.
It really hurts not being able to talk to him or ask him how is doing. But I will try my best to keep the no contact rule 🙁