May 26, 2020 at 8:32 pm #356952
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Hi Anita. I read both your posts and I have to correct something.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Although the relationship is kept a secret, we did spend a lot of time togetner. We were together for almost 2 years. We went out a lot, gotten to know each other, made a lot of memories, met each other’s friends and had a lot of fun together.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>And you may be right. That he told his friend something and told me something different.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>During this period of no contact, he kept trying to contact me though. Last night he texted me saying his dad was sick and asked if I can pray for him. And I responded asking what had happened and if everything was okay. He explains and then tells me he was sorry for all the pain and trouble he has caused me. That hopefully one day he can forgive me.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>We both have come to agreement that he is confused. And I cannot expect clarity from someone who is confused. So I did what I said in previous posts of leaving him alone… but why is he contacting me? And that too about his family? And then begin apologizing…?</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>As much as I want to ignore it and let it go, it’s hard because I’m trying to move forward and let go of this confusion, but at the same time, I feel like my progress diminishes whenever he texts me. I feel like I have a roller coaster of emotions and it just makes me all confused.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He told his friend he wanted to focus on work and school and be alone right now.. but why is he messaging me?</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>What do you think?</span></p>May 27, 2020 at 8:55 am #356998
As to my “Nothing is happening” theme of the recent posts, I still think that nothing is happening. I will elaborate on it more and I will respond to everything you brought up in your recent post.
You wrote early on: “he met my friends and family”- when I read that early on, I thought that he met your parents as your boyfriend, that the relationship was official in the context of your family. Only later I found out that he met your family one time as your brother’s friend and guest, not at all as your friend or boyfriend, and that the relationship between the two of you was a secret, kept as a secret from your parents and from his, because the two of you believe that your respective parents will not approve of a relationship. This means that if your parents or his find out about it, they may demand that it will be terminated. And because each one of you is only 20, living with and dependent on parents, it makes the relationship between you and him fragile.
In your recent post you wrote: “I have to correct something. Although the relationship is kept a secret, we did spend a lot of time together. We were together for almost 2 years.. we went out a lot”-
– On May 3, you wrote: “I (20) have been with my bf (20) for a year and 8 months.. we haven’t seen each other in 2.5 months”- that makes it less than a year and a half of spending time together, not two years.
Now, I wonder what spending “a lot of time together” means. I don’t know if it really is a lot of time, or more of a time that felt like a lot, to you. If you went out a lot, it wasn’t anywhere where someone could see you and him and tell your parents (or his) that you were out together.
At 20 you are only a few months removed from being a teenager. Teenage girls are often (although not all) highly emotional: overly reactive to minor events, exaggerating, making a mountain out of a molehill.
“He was my everything”, “We fell madly in love and have the same goals, aspirations and values”- that’s an emotional exaggeration. He was not your everything. It just felt that way. If he was your everything you would have been living with him, the two of you working and putting your money together, so to accomplish those same goals and aspirations that you mentioned. Instead, the two of you live separately: you live with your family, he lives with his family. Your finances and his finances are separate. So practically, he is far from being your everything.
I am stating all this in an effort to lead you to wake up and look at your life practically and objectively, not strictly emotionally. Practically and objectively, he is not a significant part of your life even though it feels like he is.
“Last night he texted me saying his dad was sick and asked if I can pray for him”- his dad is part of his family unit, that’s his practical “everything”.
“We both have come to agreement that he is confused. And I cannot expect clarity from someone who is confused”- correct. I will add to it that the two of you are 20, not living independently, and not living with each other, but with your respective parents. Both have kept this relationship a secret from your parents for fear of their disapproval. This situation is not congruent with clarity in his mind or in yours: at any time during the 1.5 years of seeing him, if your parents found out about it, what would you have done; did the two of you discussed it, did you have a practical, detailed plan? If you didn’t, there was no clarity on either one’s mind.
“but why is he contacting me.. about his family? And then begin to apologizing..?”- my answer: it doesn’t really matter. If you knew the answer, what difference will it make to your life; will your life be any different if you knew the answer?
“As much as I want to ignore it and let it go, it’s hard because I’m trying to move forward and let go of this confusion, but at the same time, I feel like my progress diminishes whenever he texts me. I feel like I have a roller coaster of emotions and it just makes me all confused”- this young man, only a year removed from being a teenager, is not a powerful entity in your life outside your emotions. What he thinks and feels and why he says this or that makes no practical difference in your life.
He has many thousands of thoughts in his brain every day, just like anyone else, and each one of his thoughts does not carry the weight that you think it does. Thoughts come and go, like feelings, they appear and disappear. Don’t hang on to every word he says as if it was a rock. It is only a word, one word among many trillions of words that uttered at that moment in the world.
“He told his friend he wanted to focus on work and school and be alone right now.. but why is he messaging me?.. What do you think?”- I think that he messaged you because a feeling happened and a thought occurred to him to message you. A feeling, a thought, that is all. There are thousands of thoughts he had since then.
May 30, 2020 at 8:43 pm #357278
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
I apologize for the late response.
Yes our relationship was private but we did spend lots of time together — just like any other couple. Going on plenty of dates, hanging out a lot, getting to know each other, dinners, double dates and friend hangouts etc… we did all of that. I met his siblings and close friends, he met mine. We pretty much did exactly what a normal bf/gf couple would do except in our case… our parents didn’t know. And the reason why we both kept it private from our parents is because they do not approve of dating at all. We had a plan to tell our parents and we talked about things very openly so there was so confusion there. We were always open with each other about everything.
It hurts when you say this: “Practically and objectively, he is not a significant part of your life even though it feels like he is.” From an outside perspective, I understand that you see it as: just two young kids who happened to fall in “love” and we haven’t really stepped into reality (living together, dating in the open) and that is because of our age, and primarily because of family circumstances. He is important to me and we care a lot about each other. One thing I know for sure is that what I feel for him is different from what I felt for others in the past. I really care for him and love him.May 31, 2020 at 7:50 am #357306
Thank you for expressing to me that what I wrote hurt your feelings (“It hurts when you say this: ‘Practically and objectively, he is not a significant part of your life even though it feels like he is“). I appreciate your honesty.
But the sentence I wrote (in the parenthesis right above) is true, and the reason I am repeating it here is to help you, not to hurt you. It is unpleasant for you to read this sentence and take it in, but it’s good for you if you reread it and take it in. It is similar to taking a medicine that tastes badly: it will make you healthier!
Let’s look therefore at this sentence: objectively, as is, he is not a significant part of your life. Even the dating that you mentioned is gone. There is nothing left but an occasional social media communication at the most, where nothing new is communicated (new words perhaps, new combination of words, but no new message!)
I want you to focus on the practical aspects of your life and let go of the obsession and rumination over what he may be thinking, what he may be feelings.. it has no practical value to you. The relationship that was- is no more. Aim at moving on and away from him. Maybe in the future the relationship will resume or start again. But for now, for weeks and months (or longer) to come, let it go and make your life.. make sense: study, learn new skills, read.. grow instead of stagnating in obsession and rumination.
Does this make sense to you?
anitaJune 21, 2020 at 3:48 pm #359172
hi anita, it’s been awhile and a lot has happened and i feel that i need to express it to you.
after my ex ended things with me (may 17th), he messaged another girl two days after. i didn’t know about this till a few days ago. he confessed to me through text saying he wanted to own up to me for all his faults. he wanted to do it in person but i felt very angry and so it was better that we didn’t meet. i was furious when i found out why he messaged another girl because he said to me the reason for this break up was that he wanted to figure things out, be better for me. he even said that this break wasn’t permanent.
i can rationalize the part of him messaging the girl two days after because we were broken up, but he lied to me for a month straight anita… i even saw him a few times during this month and even though i initiated no contact, we would briefly check in with each other. within this month of exchanging texts and calls, he would tell me he saw a future with me and that he loved me and couldn’t wait to be with me.
we were together for almost two years and i know from your responses you believe this relationship had no substance or value because he wasn’t apart of my life (as per your last response) but my question is why did he lie to me. if he wanted to leave me and the relationship we had, why couldn’t he be honest. i value honesty a lot (and he knows this) and i even asked him why he lied and messaged the girl, and he said he doesn’t know why he did and that he messed up really bad and can’t take it back.
he blocked me on all social media as well and we haven’t talked since then. it’s like we are complete strangers now.
i just don’t know what to do anymore. the conversation plays in my head repeatedly and i lose sleep over this. i try to keep myself busy and focus on myself but i dont know why someone could do this. i try to read, workout, go for a walk, or even be with friends and family but somehow this is still in my mind. i also started to meditate so i can gain at least some sort of peaceful sleep but the thoughts keep creeping back up.
i tried to ask him, he himself didn’t know… how do i let go and move on? what do you think of all this, as an outside perspective? i just want to know the truth and now i am not so sure what is the truth anymore.June 21, 2020 at 4:27 pm #359175
It has been three weeks, welcome back!
Shortly before he broke up with you he told you that he sees a future with you, that he loved you, and couldn’t wait to be with you. Then he broke up with you May 17, telling you that the reason for the break up is that he “wanted to figure things out”, wanted to be a better man for you, suggesting therefore that the breakup may not be permanent.
Two days later, May 19, he messaged another girl, and sometime later, he sent you a text telling you that he messaged another girl two days after breaking up with you, telling you that he “messed up really bad and can’t take it back”. Next, he blocked you on all social media, and you haven’t talked since.
You asked me: “what do you think of all this..?”- I am back to thinking that he is a little crazy, like I wrote to you before. It reads like crazy behavior to break up with you and then call you to tell you that after he broke up with you, he messaged another girl and then say that he messed up and can’t take it back and then block you. A sane behavior would have been to not tell you that he messaged another girl, why bother telling you something that you don’t need to know;,why call you and disturb you like this???
Maybe he is having a really difficult time living with his mother, like he told you. And he is .. a bit crazy. Which makes it a good idea to be blocked and have no contact with him!
June 21, 2020 at 4:37 pm #359178
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by anita.
So the reason why he confessed is because this girl happened to message me saying my ex messaged her… i confronted him about it and he lied to me saying it wasn’t him (and made it VERY believable). he made up an entire story and i fell for it. a month later (a few days ago) he texted me saying if I was free to talk things out because he felt that I deserved to know the truth once and for all and he wanted to take accountability… i was so angry and i didn’t want to see him or talk to him so we just talked through text and that is where he confessed to me.
after a month of lying so much he wants to take accountability and own up. he said he felt regretful for what he did but to me it seems like he is doing just fine, while i am here sitting and trying to make sense of things.June 21, 2020 at 4:53 pm #359180
I see. So the girl that he sent a message to, told you about it, you then contacted him and he lied to you for a month, saying that he didn’t message her. But why didn’t the girl that told you that he messaged her show you his message on her phone?
anitaJune 21, 2020 at 4:57 pm #359181
She did. She showed me everything of what they were talking about and he lied and said it was someone else and made a whole story and fabricated an entire lie. I know his excuse sounds bizarre but when I say this, he made it super believable. I even questioned if he was lying and he reassured me he didn’t want any other girl and that he was doing this for me. And as dumb as I am, I fell for it
And he never gave me any type of distrust so I decided to see the good in him because I knew he never did anything like this before. I just thought it was a big misunderstanding and I eventually let it go. Then a few days ago he messaged me saying he wanted to own up to his faults. I was so angry and hurtJune 21, 2020 at 5:04 pm #359182
“She showed me everything of what they were talking about”- what were they talking about?? What was in the messages he sent her?
anitaJune 21, 2020 at 5:13 pm #359183
* I will be back in less than an hour.
anitaJune 21, 2020 at 5:36 pm #359187
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He was messaging her first in a friendly way and she responded, and then he began flirting. He asked to be added on Snapchat and that is where he started sending flirty/dirty messages. She couldn’t show me the Snapchat conversation as Snapchat is merely pictures sent back and forth, but she sent me pictures of their conversation and described everything to me of what he sent her. It was 100% flirting.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>And I’ve known him for a while so I know how he types and the way he texts. So when I read it I knew it was him and confronted him by sending him a text. He called me right away and then sold me an entire story and made it super believable. He made it SO believable that even his friends believed him and I shared this with my close friend too (who knows him) and she believed him too and I knew in my heart he wouldn’t do something like that so I thought it was a misunderstanding and that it wasn’t him. Clearly I was wrong.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I am upset for a variety of reasons. Firstly because he always told me he wanted to marry me and be with me, but then two days after breaking up, he messaged another girl?</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Another reason why I’m upset is because he lied to me for a month straight. He went to an extreme measure to sell me on a fake story of why it wasn’t him.. I believed it. How can someone go to that length and lie to someone they supposedly loved and cared about. </span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>At the time he texted me and confessed, he seemed remorseful. He kept saying he f**ked up and messed up, but then a few days later he seemed to back to normal. Posting on social media, acting unbothered. And then I searched his profile and he blocked me.</span></p>June 21, 2020 at 6:09 pm #359188
“How can someone go to that length to lie to someone they supposedly loved and cared about”- I don’t think that love and repeatedly lying go together. I am sorry, gamer. You know for sure that he was flirting with the other girl, he told you that he definitely didn’t flirt with her, and then he told you that he did flirt with her and that he lied to you for a whole month, and after admitting it, he blocked you.
I think it is time to really put this man and this relationship behind you, however difficult it is for you to do. And I understand that it is difficult. You wrote that you started meditating- keep at it. And keep working out and going for walks.
It is not reasonable for you to wait for him to unblock you, or to try to reach him after he blocked you. What reasonable choice do you have other than choose to view this relationship as part of your past and move on toward a future without him?
anitaJune 21, 2020 at 6:21 pm #359189
I agree. It is hard to move past all of this and I was trying my best and then he comes back into my life adding more drama. He tried to justify the messaging by saying we were broken up, but that doesn’t explain the lying.
I deleted him off social media and even removed his siblings so I don’t get any reminders of him. It hurts that he lied because he always told me how much he loved me, wanted to be with me and by his side even with this new business of his. I’m not so sure anymore on what to do.
He kept apologizing over text that day and wanting to meet me in person so he can own up to his actions but I declined it and didn’t want to see him.
Although I never saw this coming and was very hopeful, I still somehow think it’s my fault when it isn’t. I do not know what I did to deserve someone hurting me a lot… lying to me. It hurts to know that it was someone who at one point meant so much to you
I do want closure though. An explanation as to why he gave me false hope after the break up, why he continued to tell me he loved me, why he messaged that girl and then why he lied to me about it. I wish I could get those answers from him. Right now he says he doesn’t know and he acts as if he doesn’t care… but I know it will hit him after a while. He’s distracting himself with work and suppressing his feelings but it’s said that getting over someone is similar to the grief process, and he cannot rush that.
I know I don’t “need” this closure but it would really help me move forward and leave him in the past. There is no point in me trying to contact him right now since he blocked me… I don’t want to be a bother nor do I want to make him think I am needy and desperate so I will let this go and take it day by day.June 21, 2020 at 6:33 pm #359192
“I do not know what I did to deserve someone hurting me a lot”- deserving has nothing to do with it. You don’t deserve someone hurting you!!! He lied to you because he did wrong, not because you deserved to be treated wrongly.
“I do want closure though. An explanation as to why he…”- but how would you know if he would give you a true explanation or a lie?
I hope you give yourself the closure you need instead of asking him for a closure.