May 3, 2020 at 10:02 am #352750
I (20) have been with my bf (20) for a year and 8 months. We fell madly in love and have the same goals, aspirations and values. We started off as friends first and then 2 months later we moved to the next step. But lately we have been off.
Yesterday we fought back and forth for hours (since we can’t see each other bc of quarantine). I just don’t know what to do anymore. He says he can’t open up to me and tell me what he feels bc he believes I will react a certain way. I told him I’ll try my best to fix it and we can work through it together and he says that he believes we are always at odds against each other and as much as we try to fix things, things keep repeating from the past. We’ve had fights in the past (as all couples do) but I took it as something we both needed to work on together. I told him that and he said he wants things to work too but he just needs time to think.
What can I do? I don’t want to lose him at all and I want to be my best so that with him, we can be best together. I don’t want to give up 1 year and 8 months just like that. Can you give me any advice?May 3, 2020 at 10:31 am #352858
Last night he called me and we were talking on the phone on what we could do and move forward from this. He said he felt that he was in the middle. One one end he wants to end things and the other end he wants to stay together and fix things.
We’ve had fights before and we worked through it together so it hurt me when he said he was in the middle this time and that he needed time to think. I just don’t know what to do and I can’t stop crying bc I don’t want to give up and I made sure he knew that but it seems like he could be slipping away. The day we fought, earlier he told he he loved me so much and that he misses me. Now he’s in the middle of making a decision that can either let us be together or not. Help me please. What do I do 🙁May 3, 2020 at 12:20 pm #352892
“Yesterday we fought back and forth for hours.. We’ve had fights in the past (as all couples do).. We’ve had fights before and we worked through it together.. I just don’t know what to do”-
– first thing to do is stop the fighting. You fought too much, too often, for too long. And all along it was possible for you, as it is with every couple, to not fight. So don’t fight anymore.
If you find yourself starting a fight with him, take a time out and calm yourself down. Contact him again when you are calm.
“he says that he believes we are always at odds against each other.. things keep repeating from the past”- don’t bring up things from the past anymore. And don’t be at odds with him. Your relationship is supposed to be a love relationship, not a war relationship. You are supposed to be there for each other, not against each other.
anitaMay 3, 2020 at 2:01 pm #352912
I agree with everything you say. The reason why we fought primarily was because we haven’t had proper communication between us which made me feel that we were becoming distant. Things were so different when we first started dating and now it seems like we cannot even share a conversation or talk. I just miss how we used to be, how things were between us.
I shared all of this with him prior to our big fight, in a calm manner and I wasn’t upset or sad or blaming him and he responded to me reassuring we will figure it out together and that we can make it work. But then after our fight happened, he finally tells me that he is anxious with me and thinks he cannot do enough for us.
Obviously I cannot fix his anxiety (he had childhood trauma as well as me) but he seems to have anxiety with me only.
How can I address the problems I have without making him feel that way? How can he heal from that anxiety he claims he has with me?May 3, 2020 at 2:11 pm #352916
Because he “had childhood trauma”, you shouldn’t add fighting to his trauma.
“How can I address the problems I have without making him feel that way?”- talk, never fight.
“How can he heal from that anxiety he claims he has with me?”- first, believe him that he really does have anxiety with you (vs. him claiming that). Second, communicate him, never fight, not for any reason. If he learns that he can trust you to not ever fight him, his anxiety will lessen.
anitaMay 3, 2020 at 2:16 pm #352918
Thank you for responding quickly. It really means a lot to me.
About the communication part, I have tried to tell him in such a peaceful calm tone and manner and I always want to talk – not fight. But he believes otherwise I am always on edge with him when I don’t see it as that and I don’t do that.
I guess I’m just blown by the fact that my boyfriend has anxiety with me and I have to come to terms with that. But he said he was stuck in the middle of making a decision. On one end is us ending, and the other is giving it a chance and working through it together.
Do you think it’s a bad sign that he’s stuck in the middle? All our past fights and disagreements, we decided to stick things through and work through it together but this time, it’s completely different and that’s what I’m afraid of, that I’ll lose him.May 3, 2020 at 2:24 pm #352924
Make him a promise: that you will never fight with him, no matter what. (When you get upset with him, you can take a time out, go for a walk, have alone time otherwise). Make him the promise and keep it. I can’t tell the future, but reads to me like there is a good chance that he will get unstuck from that middle and want to get back together with you.
anitaMay 3, 2020 at 3:17 pm #352932
Thank you, I’m willing to try and make things right between us.
One thing to ask though, this was all done through a phone and we haven’t seen each other in 2.5 months. Do you think I should reach out to him and meet in person to discuss? Or should I let him be for now and give him that time as he requested and let him come to me after on what he decides?
I don’t want to stress him or worry him but I can’t sense his feelings and vice versa through a phone.May 3, 2020 at 5:03 pm #352954
You are welcome. Because he requested that you give him time, I suggest that you honor his request. Be gentle and soft with him (on the phone)- he is likely to be drawn to you (being the anxious person that he is) if you talk gently and softly to him.
anitaMay 3, 2020 at 5:39 pm #352964
After talking to a friend about it, they had told me a decision like this would be best in person, so should I gently ask him to see f we can meet in person? or just let him be and have him come to me (over the phone)?May 3, 2020 at 5:50 pm #352968
“After talking to a friend about it, they had told me a decision like this would be best in person”- but I thought he was not ready to decide yet, so if you ask to meet him in person so to make a decision, that’s rushing him to make a decision, isn’t it?
By the way, you didn’t see him for 2.5 months partly because of the pandemic or..?
anitaMay 3, 2020 at 9:30 pm #353008
Ahh yes you are right about the meet up. And yes we didn’t see each other due to the pandemic.
But here is an update on what he mentioned to me today via Instagram on his own:
He updated me saying everything was good and that today he was feeling good today because he was working on a business project with his friends and he said that hopefully if things keep heading in this direction, he would be in the right mind for us to be truly happy again. He said it would be like a reset after all the bad crap ends and life starts looking nice.
What does he mean saying if life would be better, things with us will be?
Another question I have is that his birthday is this weekend. Would it ruin things if I see him and give him his present? Or should I wait it out until he’s ready and then give it to him.May 4, 2020 at 12:18 pm #353092
That’s a pleasing update for me to read.
“What does he mean saying…”?- ask him and listen attentively to his answer. If you don’t understand his answer, ask him to explain a bit more. You can share his answer with me if you want.
“Would it ruin things if I see him and give him his present?”-same answer: ask him. Tell him you got him a present and you would like to give it to him, but only if he is okay with it.
Don’t follow what the friend you talked to on the phone told you (to meet him in person because she thinks it’s the right thing to do), ask your boyfriend if he wants to meet in person.
Your relationship with him is between two people: you and him, so it is two people who need to be okay with whatever goes on in the relationship. Your friends, and other people don’t get a say in what happens.
Ask him how he feels about meeting you on his birthday and give him the gifts, ask him if he is okay with it. If is it okay with him and it is okay with you, see him and give him the gifts.
anitaMay 4, 2020 at 12:52 pm #353106
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>He knew I got him a gift for his birthday and he said it would be unfair if we met on Friday and we talk about us and he accepts my gift. I asked him why he thought it would be unfair bc he hasn’t made a decision yet, and he said I’m not sure what I’m going to say but it’s just not fair to you and you don’t deserve that.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I also asked him why he feels so unsure about us even though he said he loved me very much. He said he wasn’t questioning his feelings but his thoughts. He said he could not think properly and that is why he’s stuck. I was still confused but I felt that I would nag him if I kept asking so I just left it at that.</span></p>
<p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>I don’t care about the space, really I’m more than happy to respect it. I’m feeling rather upset because he said he loves me very much but was unsure about us moving forward and that his decision was 50-50. Is that a red flag for him to doubt us after almost 2 years?</span></p>May 4, 2020 at 1:19 pm #353110
“He said he could not think properly and that is why he’s stuck”- I am confused myself (it doesn’t help that I am tired today), but maybe he is mentally unwell beyond being anxious.
Do you think he is generally unable to think clearly these days, not just about the relationship with you, but otherwise?