Dear Suzie36:

I am so sorry, it is terrible to read how your mother reacted to you being sexually abused, and I am only reading it. You lived it, so I imagine how terrible it has been for you. I too wish that you were born into a loving family.

It so happens that I was born to a very angry mother, and oh, do I wish I was born to a loving mother. Interesting how untrue it is, that mothers always love their children; some do, but many don’t. It is children who always love their parents, not the other way around.

This is why you keep “wishing they would love (you)”- because you love them. You want them to love you back.

It is impossible though, with your mother treating you as the “spare one” she set the tone as to how the rest of the family was to treat you: as the Spare One (SO, for short). When a child is set into a family role (SO, in your case), the role sticks and it is very, very difficult to change it if all parties are interested, but without their interest, it is impossible.

It is none of your fault. You have no part in creating this role. Unfortunately for you, you were born into it. But you don’t have to keep living it. You can divorce your family of origin, cut contact with all of them. With no contact with them- you are no loner SO.

Imagine being the Important One, the one that maters, the one in the center.. starting with you thinking this way, and then feeling this way, and then.. believing it to be true!

anita