May 19, 2020 at 3:05 pm #356024Suzie36Participant
In short I wasn’t a wanted child, my parents desperately wanted a boy due to cultural reasons and being the youngest I was their final attempt but was born a girl. They didn’t keep it a secret;my nickname was “spare one”.
I was neglected very badly as a child, left alone many times,. There was also sexual abuse from a close relative when I was very young. My mum has never to this day spoken to me or reassured me that it wasn’t my fault. When she found out (15 years later) from my sister who I confided in she was screaming at me on the phone basically calling me a liar and asking why I’m stirring trouble up. My sister confronted him and he admitted everything but still my mum has never comforted me. She actually told me to get over it and it’s not a big deal as it happens a lot.
I feel a lot of anger at my mum in particular that she should have loved me or at least pretended to. I feel such rage at times that I blame on other things but truth is it hurts me that I’ve never been loved.
i don’t have any happy memories of my childhood or even adulthood with my family. My wedding day in particular was very lonely and I didn’t have the love and excitement I see in films or even in other people’s weddings. To this day I just feel I have a family when someone needs anything off me, but when I need anything or want my family’s support they all disappear! My in-laws did a big party for my son’s first birthday and 2 of my sisters and their family did not even bother attending. It was very embarrassing as everyone was there on husbands side was there. I don’t know why I keep expecting my family to be better and wishing they would love me, I know I’m wasting my life thinking about them but I just wish I had been born into a loving family who really wanted me.
May 19, 2020 at 4:01 pm #356038anitaParticipant
- This topic was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Suzie36.
I am so sorry, it is terrible to read how your mother reacted to you being sexually abused, and I am only reading it. You lived it, so I imagine how terrible it has been for you. I too wish that you were born into a loving family.
It so happens that I was born to a very angry mother, and oh, do I wish I was born to a loving mother. Interesting how untrue it is, that mothers always love their children; some do, but many don’t. It is children who always love their parents, not the other way around.
This is why you keep “wishing they would love (you)”- because you love them. You want them to love you back.
It is impossible though, with your mother treating you as the “spare one” she set the tone as to how the rest of the family was to treat you: as the Spare One (SO, for short). When a child is set into a family role (SO, in your case), the role sticks and it is very, very difficult to change it if all parties are interested, but without their interest, it is impossible.
It is none of your fault. You have no part in creating this role. Unfortunately for you, you were born into it. But you don’t have to keep living it. You can divorce your family of origin, cut contact with all of them. With no contact with them- you are no loner SO.
Imagine being the Important One, the one that maters, the one in the center.. starting with you thinking this way, and then feeling this way, and then.. believing it to be true!
anitaMay 21, 2020 at 6:48 am #356250Suzie36Participant
Thank you Anita for taking time to read and respond to my post. I’m sorry you had to deal with an angry mum. It couldn’t have been easy for you growing up. Thank you again for responding. I’m new to this website but I can already see that you’re a lovely person and you have responded to so many people and made a difference to how they feel. Hope you have a lovely day and are enjoying the weather. I’m not sure where in the world you are but I hope it’s as lovely and Sunny as it is here in London today.May 21, 2020 at 10:04 am #356270anitaParticipant
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. The weather where I live is similar to London’s weather: grey and rainy today (Northern US, south of Canada). You are welcome to post anytime on the topic of this thread, or on any topic here or in new threads. I will be glad to read from you anytime and reply.