Dear Anita

I agree that my inner critic stems from the criticism of my parents. Since I don’t really have an outlet for my emotions at home I am grateful to have online forums to talk with people who encourages me to keep going in my life. I have some good LGBTQ friends who study nature and health and it’s nice having them around to learn new things. I still need to work on not hiding my emotions so much that I have a panick attack. Sometimes I hold my emotions so much because I don’t want to burden others by talking about them until they bottle up and the wave crashes over me and I’m crying and shaking. This is why I’m learning to work on expressing my emotions a bit and letting them flow. I still have anxiety and feel lightheaded at times and a rumble in my stomach as well as tightness in my chest (which really doesn’t help the dysphoria much) but I feel like I’m healing a little. The anxiety makes it difficult to focus on things but there are some days when I feel more clarity then others and I know that there will still be anxiety but I think that I am working on being able to not let it be so overwhelming. I want to reconnect with my gender therapist and work on transitioning. I know my parents won’t support me in any part of the transitioning process and that I won’t be able to live with them anymore if I transition. I feel a bit anxious about that because there’s still a lot that I am working on learning but I am grateful to have friends who help me when I feel doubtful of the knowledge I have. I think that I listen to both my heart and mind because there are things that feel right in my heart like transitioning even though my mind is still working on building myself up but I feel like I’m finding myself in my heart and it’s this inner knowing that makes me realize that that’s one thing that is right for me. My career path will likely be in health sciences or biochemistry so I’ll be working on studying mental health and be working in a hospital or clinic that may be good. I’ll probably get a house close to nature. I think I know what I want in life, it’s just that the road may be rocky at times and sometimes I question whether I will make it in life. But every time I start worrying about something and feel like ending it, there’s always something that gives me hope again and I think that I can live again. I love reaching out to the people who are struggling with themselves and feel like life is meaningless because I know how it feels so I often help them and in my dark times they help me and I feel appreciative of the people I know in my life currently. The people around me that I have met during the quarantine by branching out online (I’m better at writing then talking in person) are helping me build myself up. I still feel like I’m drifting in life from time to time but I’m grateful to have people who help me steer the boat in the rough waters so I can look at the sun in the horizon and have hope to go towards my goals.