Dear Stian:

“my persona for many years was being the always happy, smiley guy, but who knew I had all this pain inside me.. sometimes I go out for hikes, meditate in the forest.. go for jogs.. they say it has to become worse before it gets better?’-

– I am guessing the always-happy-smiley-guy persona was the result of repression and disassociation. The pain that you are becoming aware of is the emotional pain that you repressed and disassociated from, something all children do (repress and disassociate overwhelming emotions).

Key in therapy is to express and re-associate with your early life emotional experience gradually, little by little, so to not get overwhelmed all over again. It is important to do what you do: go on hikes,  meditate and exercise so to take breaks from re-associating with your buried emotions, as well as maintain a daily routine/ structure so to keep you grounded.

Healing is not about experiencing all that pain inside once and for all,  and then being free of it: it’s about re-experiencing it bit by bit, reconnecting that pain to actual events and people in the past, and freeing your here-and-now from the there-and-then, gradually, slowly, patiently.

I hope you post again. I would like to communicate with you further.

anita