Fully feeling my feelings

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    Hey everyone. New here on this forum

    So i am 28 year old man been into spirituality, meditation, self inquiry and so on..

    I started going to a therapist 5 months ago and we have opened up my tough childhood, my father was a traumatized drug addict which let us down again and again, he did cruel things to my mother, she was in pain for many years, and so was me and my brother. I am the youngest one and have always been very sensitive and have used coping mechanisms for years, like exercising a lot and becoming very good at everything i set my mind to… In this periode of my life i am opening up for extremely difficult feelings.. i go to the therapist once or twice a week.. he is a really good jungian therapist and we are talking about what happened in all those years, how lonely i was, depressed, sad, angry and all the feelings i could not handle as a child… now we are opening up for all those feelings, and it is really tough. I wake up in the morning feeling really empty and sad, sometimes afraid and paranoid. Sometimes i feel anger and a whole bunch of emotions which have been buried deep into my unconscious.

    So one can say that my persona for many years was being the always happy, smiley guy, but who knew i had all this pain inside of me.. i am not quite sure what i am asking for on this forum.. i just thought that this would be a nice place to share what is going on inside me.. i have been lying in bed whole day, and stay more and more in bed. I try not to judge my self for it, i hardly contact friends anymore. I have an amazing loving girlfriend which supports me as good as she can.

    So fully feeling one´s feelings is what i just keep saying to myself, sometimes i go out for hikes, meditate in the forest.. go for jogs whatever. It is just so painful going through all these emotions, and that´s okay. One quote which pops up a lot in my mind is: only way out is through and i think i kinda summarizes what i/we need to to do as humans.. even though it´s tough sometimes.

    And has anyone gone to therapy and become much worse? they say it has to become worse before it gets better? kinda like 2 steps forward 1 step back.

    I have seen progress in my life from time to time, i feel myself for maybe a couple of days, i have energy and my voice is clear and robust.

    Feel it to heal it as they say?



    Dear Stian:

    “my persona for many years was being the always happy, smiley guy, but who knew I had all this pain inside me.. sometimes I go out for hikes, meditate in the forest.. go for jogs.. they say it has to become worse before it gets better?’-

    – I am guessing the always-happy-smiley-guy persona was the result of repression and disassociation. The pain that you are becoming aware of is the emotional pain that you repressed and disassociated from, something all children do (repress and disassociate overwhelming emotions).

    Key in therapy is to express and re-associate with your early life emotional experience gradually, little by little, so to not get overwhelmed all over again. It is important to do what you do: go on hikes,  meditate and exercise so to take breaks from re-associating with your buried emotions, as well as maintain a daily routine/ structure so to keep you grounded.

    Healing is not about experiencing all that pain inside once and for all,  and then being free of it: it’s about re-experiencing it bit by bit, reconnecting that pain to actual events and people in the past, and freeing your here-and-now from the there-and-then, gradually, slowly, patiently.

    I hope you post again. I would like to communicate with you further.


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