Dear Adelaide1:

You mentioned ableism in your original post, a word I was not familiar with, so I looked it up at Wikipedia: “Albeism also known as.. disability discrimination is discrimination and social prejudice against people with disabilities or who are perceived to have disabilities. Albeism characterizes a person as defined by their disabilities and as inferior to the non-disabled.. There are stereotypes, generally inaccurate, associated with either disability in general, or with specific disabilities..”.

A website, www. meriahnichols. com/ activism against ableism, reads: “Albeism is prejudice against people with disabilities… we can internalize the ableism that is rampant in mainstream culture and within our able-bodied families. The Disability Rights Movement has been going on since the 1960s. It is the fight hat we make for access and inclusion… The population of people with disabilities is huge. It is the largest ‘minority’ group in the world, and the only one that anyone can join at any time. We need to start changing the way we talk about it, the way we internalize the prejudice and stereotypes against it, and the way that we actively include, embrace and defend it.” There is more information on that website.

Wikipedia on Disability rights in New Zealand, reads: “Disability rights are not specifically addressed by legislation in New Zealand. Instead, disability rights are addressed through human rights legislation.. New Zealand also signed and ratified the United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities (CRPD) in 2008. There is a reference at the end of the entry to a “New Zealand Disabled Person’s Organisations Report from 2014.

And now, to your second post: you are welcome. I read your share about the lack of ” basic accessibility and supports.. Wheelchair accessible housing is almost non-existent” in New Zealand after my research above, so now I know. I understand better your past inclination  “of having to be grateful for having my most basic of needs met and that same principle transfers to relationships too”, and your current frustration with having had that attitude.

It angers me to think that you had to shower at work because there aren’t enough wheelchair accessible bathrooms in apartments to rent. And it angers me that your “instinct again last night was to feel gratitude for no longer having to shower at work”.

“So next question is, how to start killing this attitude off?”- my answer: become a political activist in New Zealand for disability rights, fighting for perhaps disability rights to be specifically addressed by legislation in NZ. Adapt an assertive, forceful attitude in your political activism.

You wrote that you started reading a book on self love which suggests that you imagine a state of “I am enough”, so to rewire the brain through repeated imagining. My input: that’s a good idea but mine is a better idea: “The government.. says ‘People like me don’t matter'”- you tell them that you and people like you do matter, make your voice heard: not a grateful, weak voice but an angry, demanding voice. This activity will rewire your brain way faster than imagining.

Thoughts I had yesterday before reading your second post:

1. You can’t stand up for yourself literally, but you can stand up  for yourself figuratively, every day, for the rest of your life.

2. Regarding that woman you were with last: you told her before meeting her that you felt vulnerable regarding physical intimacy, inexperienced and whatnot, and you shared that she was understanding or empathetic (I don’t have your share in front of me right now). Then the two of you finally had your first in-person date and she was all into having physical intimacy with you on that same evening. The very next day she broke up with you (it saddened me very much when I read it, on the day it happened). As she broke up with you on that text, and later  in communication, she was.. nice about it. Here is my input: nice is good enough in a work environment context, but not in an intimate relationship context.

What would have been good enough on her part, would have been if knowing that you felt vulnerable and lacking experience, she postponed her sexual advances that evening and just cuddled with you, just sat there holding you in her arms. She should have taken it slow with you because you entrusted her with valuable information on the matter of physical intimacy. She was callous and uncaring. (And it angers me).

I hope that we continue to communicate here- I am willing for as long as you are.

anita

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