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Increasing my self worth/love

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  • #357634
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    Hi there

    Taking up your offer @anita to get your thoughts on my previous posts.

    I would like to increase my self-worth and not be so reliant on the validation of others, especially potential romantic partners. I would like to overcome my codependent tendencies and anxious attachment, so that when I do get into another romantic relationship I can feel more secure in myself  – regardless of whether it works out or not. I would like to reduce the internalised ableism and shame I carry. I would like to stop feeling resentful towards people in my life who I perceive to be “lucky in love”. Ultimately,  I would like to be a more authentic version of myself – someone who feels that they are enough, just as they are.

    A lifetime of work, probably! But one has to start somewhere. I will write a more fulsome post providing more information about my background but would appreciate any initial thoughts from you Anita. Thank you for taking the time to interact with me.

    #357638
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adelaide1:

    I am thrilled that you started your own thread. In the past, when I read your posts in others’ threads,  I thought of you as an exceptionally decent, kind, generous and intelligent person, and I wished that I could communicate with you. My wish just came true and therefore, I am thrilled!

    I want to re-read some of your previous posts before replying further.

    anita

    #357663
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adelaide1:

    I read all of your posts: Jan 15- April 3 on one thread, April 12- May 22 on a second thread, and June 2-3 on a third thread. My purpose for doing so is to learn all that I can learn from what you already shared, using all that you shared to better understanding you. To process information, I need to rewrite the information I read, so here it is, lots of quotes included:

    You are in your late twenties. Your first “proper relationship” of almost five months started about June 2019 and ended at the end of October or at the beginning of November of last year. She was your “first kiss, first everything”, and your experience with her prompted you to come out as a gay woman. Before her, you “never really saw a relationship happening” for you, and when it happened, “I really couldn’t believe my luck”. You “truly thought I had finally found my person”, and “she became one of the most important people in my life”.

    You were “actually fairly content with  being single” before you met her, and you didn’t like the anxious person you were in the context of the relationship with her: “I was anxious a lot of the time.. the only thing more anxiety inducing than not hearing from her is reaching out and waiting for a reply. This was the case when we were together.. I used to end up in a huge anxiety spiral about not hearing from her.. I am definitely anxious- preoccupied..  it’s a classic pattern where she has not replied to my latest message for a week now.. it was like this in our relationship too.. she just wouldn’t reply while we were in the middle of a conversation.. Like one time I sent her a very heartfelt message.. and she saw it and didn’t reply for several hours. I got so anxious I messaged her again.. She eventually replied and didn’t even address most of the message which was hurtful to me cos I had made myself quite vulnerable in sending it. It used to drive me crazy, really.”

    During the relationship with her, you were “willing to compromise on key wants because I didn’t believe I deserved them.. I was so willing to overlook my own needs”, including your need for (more) physical intimacy with her, a lack that was “extremely frustrating” for you.

    Sometime after the breakup, you experienced “lots of anger/ resentment.. Just angry that it seems to have been so easy for her comparatively.. she could  never contact me again and be perfectly fine with it and here I am pinning for her.. I suppose I’m feeling angry at the world in general too. I feel like I was given a glimpse at what love could be like- after waiting so long.. and just as I thought I was getting somewhere it was taken away”. Soon after posting about this, you “started feeling bad about being angry and berating myself for all the mistakes I made during the relationship. This always happens, even when the anger toward someone is justified.. I always focus on what I’ve done wrong rather than giving myself space to feel when others have hurt me”.

    More about anger, you wrote: “as a disabled woman I am extremely socialised to downplay my anger in all kinds of situations. The attitude is generally ‘be grateful for what you get and don’t expect too much'”.

    You wrote about your love for her that it was “built on an emotional connection, rather than a physical one” partly because of her compromised physical health. Otherwise, on love, sex and flirting,  you wrote: “Sometimes I really wish that it was easier for me to connect with people on a superficial level i.e., be seen as desirable enough for random hookups.. but then I ask myself, do I really want  a quantity of hollow connections over quality ones? And the answer is probably not, but the physical intimacy would be nice in some ways.. Hookups and getting short buzzes from flirting is more damaging in the long run. I don’t want that really, I want intimacy and that’s different… instead of going for the short, sharp dopamine hits superficial validation gives, I need to ask myself ‘is this connection building the sense of intimacy I want?’ and if the answer is no.. I need to use that as a guide to move on and put my time and energy elsewhere… sometimes she throws me flirty comments, but only in a superficial way. This is.. very unsatisfactory indeed”.

    Connecting deeply is a very significant experience for you: “I am indeed proud of myself for opening my heart despite the risks, and consider myself lucky to have such a capacity to love deeply.. I am so glad I took that risk… feeling and loving deeply is something we should celebrate about ourselves”. You quoted something you read that spoke to y0u deeply: “You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart”.

    This very significant experience of connecting deeply led you to a certain awakening: “I have continued to connect with people in a more authentic way than I did before this ‘failed’ relationship, and I’m proud of that.. I have also made an effort to get involved in a volunteer programme one evening a week and through that I am getting to know some lovely people.. Basically, I do like the person I am becoming post this relationship.. I have had a very fulfilling week in terms of social connection. I have been at one gathering or another almost every day some unexpected. One such unexpected connection came after I went to a play at the last minute a couple of nights ago and had the loveliest interaction with the performer during the show… I also had some very high praise at work from multiple people. It’s clear that a lot of people believe in and think highly of me… what I want from connections with people, romantic and otherwise, is a shared sense of intimacy… Loving someone like that is not something everyone can or is willing to do and you should hold onto that”.

    About self confidence, dependency, codependency, self esteem, self criticism and shame, you shared: “I have major self- confidence issues due to using a wheelchair.. I have no choice to depend on others in my everyday life to some extent due to my disability… what I still let define me is people’s negative reactions to it which I have internalised.. I mean there is a show featuring disabled people going on dates called ‘the Undateables’ for gods sake.. But I feel determined to let go of that shame.. ‘anxious types tend to bond quickly and don’t take time to assess whether their partner can or wants to meet their needs.. In trying to make the relationship work, they suppress their needs’.. I just feel very unloveable some days.. a lack o self esteem.. a large amount of intenalised shame, weak sense of self, and heavily relying on others as my main source of validation.. my brain tends to go into self critic override… my thoughts and ways I react to things are driven by a sense of shame, so someone else shaming me doesn’t have the motivational effect.. I am my own biggest critic so there’s nothing anyone else could say that I haven’t told myself…as someone who fits the category of potentially being ‘not worth saving’ should the health system be overwhelmed with cases, due to assumptions about my quality of life and the value that people like me bring the world”.

    About your family you shared that your siblings, a brother and a younger sister, live in another country and your parents live in another city (your younger sister later moved in with your parents), and that you are not “particularly close” to your family. About your childhood, you shared that your parents minimized your feelings, so you didn’t get to label and process your feelings (“my parents whose way of dealing with hard things is to minimise them.. I wish my parents had taught me this growing up as it’s  only after seeking therapy that I am learning how much not labeling and processing my feelings has affected me”), and that you were “scared and timid” when you were “very small to when I was a teenager”. You shared that you’ve “been taught to put on a ‘brave face’ and it has made things harder in the long run because I don’t give myself the time to process hard things properly”.

    More of what you shared (my purpose in putting it all in this post is to be able to use it later): “I sound like a different person when I am anxious and when I’m  not.. Woke up with a ball of anxiety in my stomach and had to give myself a pep talk of sorts just to get out of bed… I distinctly remember one time, being awake crying while she slept next to me because she was so cold after being affectionate the last time she stayed over… I have been feeling so, so anxious these past couple  of days about my contact with this acquaintance of mine. We have not had much contact the past few days and it feels like she had distanced herself from me.. It is also clear that she  is not interested in genuinely getting to know me as I am her… I reached out to my flirtatious acquaintance seeking a conversation and didn’t get the response I wanted (very surface level)… as always it was anxiety driven rather than an authentic action… (regarding the lockdown->) Interestingly my anxiety levels are lower .. I felt a lot more anxious when I first got into a relationship, for example, even when it was bringing me a lot of joy and excitement and I know it’s because I’m afraid of being abandoned/ alone more than anything else… Quite enjoying life in lockdown.. I think my brain likes certainty of knowing how the days are going to go and not having the stress of commuting to work or the reactions or strangers going about my day.. so a lot of my anticipatory anxiety is gone… I just get so anxious about communicating too much or too little, the tone of it, how the other person responds to what I say, who messages who first… the brain loves the familiar, so it seeks that out even if the familiar is unpleasant… She said she enjoyed my company and thanked me for a great time and yet my anxiety was gnawing at me again all night, about how the conversation went and what I did or didn’t say.. Same old! My instinct is always to reach out and seek reassurance but I learned with my ex that when I’m in this space no amount of reassurance works… It has also been beneficial to be able to lean on friends”.

    My initial input today is regarding these two sentences: “as a disabled woman I am extremely socialised to downplay my anger in all kinds of situations. The attitude is generally ‘be grateful for what you get and don’t expect too much”- this attitude has to be put to death. I just noticed the extreme wording I chose so spontaneously: put to death. Reads extreme and yet so appropriate.

    I have many more thoughts about all that you shared. But the paragraph right above is so important that I will leave this hours long post with just that one paragraph input- nothing is more crucial than changing this attitude.

    anita

     

     

    #357691
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    ”I am thrilled that you started your own thread. In the past, when I read your posts in others’ threads,  I thought of you as an exceptionally decent, kind, generous and intelligent person, and I wished that I could communicate with you. My wish just came true and therefore, I am thrilled!”

    This is so kind – thank you. The feeling is mutual. The time you take to help people is extraordinarily generous and your insights are so on point. Thank you for taking the time to piece together all the information from my posts, I am not surprised it took you hours! It was helpful for me to read as a collation.

    I agree that the attitude of being grateful for everything and not expecting too much needs to be put to death and I like those choice of words. In fact I was just reflecting to a friend last night that, again, I have had enough of settling for scraps, not only in terms of romance but basic accessibility and supports. The context was that I had showered and got into bed and was saying how nice it was to be able to do so because  last winter I was having to use the showers at my workplace because I didn’t have a shower I could use at my own home. Wheelchair accessible housing is almost non-existent here and I couldn’t find one to rent, so I had to settle for an apartment with a non-accessible bathroom until a friend of mine happened to have a room come up in her accessible home (Which her parents own and renovated for her) where I now live. Anyway, I share that because my instinct again last night was to feel gratitude for no longer having to shower at work, but I am tired of having to be grateful for having my most basic of needs met and that same principle transfers to relationships too.

    So next question is, how to start killing this attitude off? I started reading a book on self love that suggests that the key from going from “I have had enough (of having low self love) to “I am enough” is to imagine oneself in a situation where self worth is low, then imagine the same situation but in a state of “I am enough”; to think about how one would be moving, what one would be saying and how, how one would speak, how one would be breathing. And to repeat this 10 times daily, the idea being that this will “rewire” the brain and eventually you will actually act feel like that in that situation. I am keen to give this a try but also feel such exercises don’t acknowledge the structural barriers perpetuating this attitude. For example, the government continuing not to invest in accessible housing to me says “People like me don’t matter” on a structural level, so how do I reconcile “I am enough” when the way the world is built says otherwise? Your insights welcome. No rush to reply though. Thank you again for taking the time!

    #357702
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adelaide1:

    I read only a part of your recent post and am looking forward to read all of it thoroughly and respond when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning, in a about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #357732
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adelaide1:

    You mentioned ableism in your original post, a word I was not familiar with, so I looked it up at Wikipedia: “Albeism also known as.. disability discrimination is discrimination and social prejudice against people with disabilities or who are perceived to have disabilities. Albeism characterizes a person as defined by their disabilities and as inferior to the non-disabled.. There are stereotypes, generally inaccurate, associated with either disability in general, or with specific disabilities..”.

    A website, www. meriahnichols. com/ activism against ableism, reads: “Albeism is prejudice against people with disabilities… we can internalize the ableism that is rampant in mainstream culture and within our able-bodied families. The Disability Rights Movement has been going on since the 1960s. It is the fight hat we make for access and inclusion… The population of people with disabilities is huge. It is the largest ‘minority’ group in the world, and the only one that anyone can join at any time. We need to start changing the way we talk about it, the way we internalize the prejudice and stereotypes against it, and the way that we actively include, embrace and defend it.” There is more information on that website.

    Wikipedia on Disability rights in New Zealand, reads: “Disability rights are not specifically addressed by legislation in New Zealand. Instead, disability rights are addressed through human rights legislation.. New Zealand also signed and ratified the United Nations Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities (CRPD) in 2008. There is a reference at the end of the entry to a “New Zealand Disabled Person’s Organisations Report from 2014.

    And now, to your second post: you are welcome. I read your share about the lack of ” basic accessibility and supports.. Wheelchair accessible housing is almost non-existent” in New Zealand after my research above, so now I know. I understand better your past inclination  “of having to be grateful for having my most basic of needs met and that same principle transfers to relationships too”, and your current frustration with having had that attitude.

    It angers me to think that you had to shower at work because there aren’t enough wheelchair accessible bathrooms in apartments to rent. And it angers me that your “instinct again last night was to feel gratitude for no longer having to shower at work”.

    “So next question is, how to start killing this attitude off?”- my answer: become a political activist in New Zealand for disability rights, fighting for perhaps disability rights to be specifically addressed by legislation in NZ. Adapt an assertive, forceful attitude in your political activism.

    You wrote that you started reading a book on self love which suggests that you imagine a state of “I am enough”, so to rewire the brain through repeated imagining. My input: that’s a good idea but mine is a better idea: “The government.. says ‘People like me don’t matter'”- you tell them that you and people like you do matter, make your voice heard: not a grateful, weak voice but an angry, demanding voice. This activity will rewire your brain way faster than imagining.

    Thoughts I had yesterday before reading your second post:

    1. You can’t stand up for yourself literally, but you can stand up  for yourself figuratively, every day, for the rest of your life.

    2. Regarding that woman you were with last: you told her before meeting her that you felt vulnerable regarding physical intimacy, inexperienced and whatnot, and you shared that she was understanding or empathetic (I don’t have your share in front of me right now). Then the two of you finally had your first in-person date and she was all into having physical intimacy with you on that same evening. The very next day she broke up with you (it saddened me very much when I read it, on the day it happened). As she broke up with you on that text, and later  in communication, she was.. nice about it. Here is my input: nice is good enough in a work environment context, but not in an intimate relationship context.

    What would have been good enough on her part, would have been if knowing that you felt vulnerable and lacking experience, she postponed her sexual advances that evening and just cuddled with you, just sat there holding you in her arms. She should have taken it slow with you because you entrusted her with valuable information on the matter of physical intimacy. She was callous and uncaring. (And it angers me).

    I hope that we continue to communicate here- I am willing for as long as you are.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #357779
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thanks for your input! it’s interesting what you say about becoming a political activist as I already am. I have been for the last 10 years, probably. I have studied and worked in human rights law. I have spoken out in the media, on TV, in newspapers, multiple times on disability rights issues, including a lack of accessible housing. I have written submissions, met with politicians, and been told I should run for office myself. I know how to be outwardly assertive in this regard and yet inwardly lack confidence. Do you have any thoughts as to why this is?

    Thanks for your perspective on what happened with the last woman I was with. It is useful for me to consider. I have come to the conclusion that she is the type of person that wants “this, that and the other one” as you described it in Greed4UrLove’s thread. She actually told me that we could go slowly “very very slowly” I believe she said. My theory is that after being with me she realised she was not willing to have a deep connection with me and decided to run away. I get the sense that this is a pattern for her – getting into relationships, and then as intimacy starts to build, moving onto another. What do you think?

    One thing that has been weighing on my mind is that I had the idea that whenever I make contact with her again, I could ask her whether she would be open to hooking up occasionally. The thing is, I don’t think I actually want that surface level connection. As I’ve said in previous posts, it’s intimacy that I want. So where does this come from? I guess frustration that I haven’t explored my sexuality to the extent that I wanted to when I was younger. I didn’t get the chance to have one night stands with people in college, for example, and just have fun exploring what feels good. And there is also something about that sort of physical connection being validating – you  know, the whole “at least one person will sleep with me” idea. But in reality I know that even if she was agreeable to the idea, it wouldn’t be the connection that I want – it may feel good physically but I think it would leave me feeling otherwise hollow. So I won’t ask her – but it is interesting to me that I’ve wanted to. Do you have any thoughts on this?

    #357784
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adelaide1:

    You are welcome and thank you for making the world a better place for the last 10 years! My hat is off to you and I am smiling again (for the first time today), feeling again thrilled to be communicating with you !!!

    You wrote: “I know how to be outwardly assertive in this regard and yet inwardly lack confidence. Do you have any thoughts as to why this is?”- regarding being outwardly assertive, I imagined earlier that you are outwardly assertive in the work context, and I can see, in my mind’s eye, that you are outwardly assertive in the activism context. In the two relationships you shared about and in your communication with members on the other two threads, you were too accommodating at times, not asking much for yourself and willing to communicate with others on their terms, when they wanted, when they had the time for you, generously offering your offline friendship, generously offering your hospitality (This is one reason why I felt affection for you before I ever thought you and I will communicate). And I was saddened that one offer was rejected and for the other, there was no expressed appreciation, if I remember correctly.

    You are a gracious woman, generous, lovely.. but not aware of these things about yourself. I can see these things about you. But you don’t, not yet, seems to me. And this is why you lack confidence: you don’t see what I see. (I am not surprised though: I felt worthless for most of my life.. and it seems like no one noticed that I was worthy, or hardly anyone did, or if anyone did, no one went out of their way to let me know).

    Regarding the recent woman in your life, who wants “this, that and the other one”- that’s what I thought. I can’t think of any other reason why she was so fast with you. Here is another thought that occurred to me earlier and reoccurred to me just now: maybe you tend to think of people in the context of intimate relationships as better people than they really are. For example, this last woman, you figured that “after being with me she realised she was not willing to have a deep connection with me and decided to run away.. as intimacy starts to build, moving onto another”- what if she didn’t want a deep connection to begin with, what if the only intimacy she anticipated during the isodates, and the only intimacy she went for during the physical date was.. a physical intimacy?

    If you indeed see people in your intimate relationships as better or more sincere than they really are, this can be another reason why you are not outwardly assertive with them.

    Regarding wanting to suggest to her that you would be open to hooking up occasionally, as a way to make up for not having explored your sexuality when you were younger, and having something on your.. sex resume, kind of, this is what I think: there is no way to make up for lost time and lost opportunities. I figure that what you want now is to experience sex and love, both, and I wish it does happen for you. Question is, how do you make it happen: both, sex and an intimate, deep emotional connection, both.

    You wrote post before last: “I have had enough of settling for scraps”, scraps here would be just sex, the real deal would be sex and that deep connection that means so much to you!

    anita

     

    #357798
    Chloe
    Participant

    Recently I just wrote an book on how to properly control our mind & behavior during this period. I purely just here to share the great stuff with everyone here. read out more & stay Positive.

    “Wire your mind with this Power”  

    This book generally mention most of my self learn experiences on how to properly control our mindset & how can we deal better manage during your ups & down moment. In this way, we are not just increasing our mind EQ & also generally training your mind to handle even greater challengers ahead. read on for more detail.

    sharing is what we love to do.

    #357900
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    @anita – thank you for your kind words! There will be many more years of activism, because there is so much inequity in the world, but I must remember to take stock of even the smallest pieces of progress and there have been many.

    I have been thinking about what you said about me perhaps thinking people are better than they are and the possibility that this last woman could  have just pursued me for sex. I think that the first part of the sentence is true, but the second in this case unlikely. It just doesn’t make logical sense to me that’s that is all it was given the context (which I don’t have the energy to go into detail now). But regardless, her last message to me when she broke up with me was that I am a beautiful  person and that someone is going to be incredibly lucky to fall in love with me; regardless of her intention, that is true. Someone is going to be lucky and in that regard I am glad she let me go so I can make sure I find someone who values me as much as I do then. Interestingly, I could not have imagined myself typing the last couple of sentences out and even half believing them. Sometimes I still don’t  other times I do and that seems to indicate that my self worth is improving. This is encouraging to me – but you are right that I am often too accommodating of others and don’t see myself in a positive light as others do.

    Thank you for your advice about seeking hookups. You are right about sex being scraps. Yes, that is the question indeed! All I can do is keep trying to direct my energy towards fulfilling relationships as tiring as that is at times. Sometimes I find myself feeling resentful that others have been luckier in love than I have. My brother, for example, entered his first relationship over 5 years ago and it seems to still be going strong, and I have friends who are the same. I just find myself wishing things were easier for me, or sometimes not as easy for others, but then I feel guilty about that… any ideas on how to reframe this thinking?

    I am very sorry to read that you yourself have experienced feeling unworthy for so long.  If you don’t mind me asking, how did you go about changing this? I hope you appreciate your worth now. You contribute so generously to people’s lives through this forum and your advice is an invaluable gift!

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Adelaide1.
    #357929
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adelaide1:

    You are welcome, and I am honored to be communicating with a person working for more equity in the world.

    You wrote that you don’t believe this last woman pursued you for sex, and that it is true that you think “people are better than they are”. I am glad that at least at times you believe that indeed you are a beautiful person and that someone is going to be incredibly lucky to fall in love with you. And yes, it does mean that your self worth is improving. I am delighted that it is so.

    “I am often too accommodating of others”- the way to correct it, I say, is to be less accommodating or not accommodating at all to people who.. do not accommodate you in return.

    “Sometimes I find myself feeling resentful that others have been luckier in love than I have… I find myself wishing things were easier for me, or sometimes not as easy for others, but then I feel guilty about that… any ideas on how to reframe this thinking?”- first, remind yourself that feeling anything (ex. feeling envious of others) is not a choice, and therefore, not a character flaw. We feel what we feel when we feel it. I remember feeling guilty for the way I felt and I overcame it, in the last months or years, by thoroughly understanding (an inside-out kind of understanding) that I cannot possibly be guilty for how I feel. No one is. And everyone feels angry and envious and this and that, at one time or another.

    About love not being easy for you- how about making it easier (however hard that will be to accomplish)? I don’t know the details of your handicap. I know that you use a wheelchair and that you don’t drive, but you do get around and used to work outside your home before the pandemic, maybe you are back working or soon will. But you know the details, and you don’t have to share it here, of course. My point is, what if you can make it easier for yourself to date and to enter a healthy, loving relationship? Like I suggested, we cannot make up for lost time (a frustration I felt in the past, a whole lot), and we have to endure that frustration, but changes can be made nonetheless.

    Thank you for your empathy regarding my experience with feeling so very unworthy for so long. Yes, I do appreciate my worth now, and thank you for your kind words.

    You asked me how did I go about changing my unfortunate decades long belief that I was unworthy: I remember long, long ago, I was a child, and I remember it so clearly (I remember so little, so this stands out): an uncle was sitting in front  of me and he asked me questions about me, he asked me questions about me. He wanted to know what I thought, what I felt- I couldn’t believe it. I don’t think it happened before that or after that. Not for many, many years. There is so much more to add to the question you asked, and it can take days or weeks to answer this question thoroughly, maybe through a conversation. But at this point, I’d say, to feel worthy, you need someone to really want to know how you experience life on the inside, wanting to know what you think, what you feel, what you believe in.. wanting to know.

    anita

    #357987
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adelaide:

    If you are uncomfortable to communicate with me here, and you would like to communicate with me further, I will be okay with exchanging emails with you and continue our communication privately.

    anita

    #357981
    Mahesh
    Participant

    The topic is really interesting to realize what we are and how we should gain self-respect and self love ourselves. When people disrespect then we realize the respect that we have in society. Realizing self-respect by identifying the opponents’ treat on us. We always think about our self-care, self-respect, and our worthless. Because if we lose confidence then we lose our worthless. That’s why we always respect ourselves to gain self-confidence. Think Positive-This is the key to gain everything in life. manifest anything you want in life by using the law of attraction. If you want to know how to use the law of attraction, please visit this blog https://archtogrowth.com/2020/04/15/how-to-use-the-law-of-attraction/ so that you will have some basic idea with in-depth thought on how to use the law of attraction.

    #359827
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    @anita

    Thanks for your offer to communicate via email. I’ll politely decline for now, as I don’t feel I have the time or energy, but appreciate the offer. As you will read on other threads I have found the last couple of weeks difficult, but that’s okay. I have acted with grace and relied on inner strength, I feel.

    As to your question about what would make dating easier, I think honestly it’s just a numbers game. Online or offline, it is simply about meeting enough people til you connect with someone and vice versa. I don’t have the time or energy to commit to date at the moment, but I mostly feel fine about that. Any loneliness I am feeling passes if I just sit long enough. My job is busy but fulfilling as are many relationships with my friends, so I will focus on that and perhaps revisit the idea in a few months.

    Plus, talking to some of my peers recently, they are simply in relationships for “convenience” (by their own admission); too scared to have to get to know people well other than their partner, too annoyed at how difficult it will be to find another place to live. Too scared of being “alone“. That seems infinitely worse than being single, to me.

    Building self worth will be an ongoing journey, but I feel proud I am at least embarking on it, despite it feeling difficult at times, rather than doing things in the name of convenience. I hope these people find the bravery to do the same. Thanks for your support!

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Adelaide1.
    #359838
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adelaide:

    You are welcome.

    “Building self worth will be an ongoing journey, but I feel proud I am at least embarking on it, despite it feeling difficult at times”-

    – I understand that you are busy professionally and otherwise, so feel free to not read my little research (Wikipedia) into the concept of the term you used, self worth, aka self esteem. I thought that maybe it will be interesting for you to read, and it couldn’t possibly be harmful to read:

    The concept of self-esteem was first expressed in the writings of David Hume (1711-1776), a Scottish enlightenment thinker, expressing that “it is important to value and think well of yourself because it serves as a motivational function that enables people to explore their full potential”.

    Nathaniel Branden (1930-2014), a Canadian-American psychotherapist and writer known for his work in the psychology of self esteem, stated: “(I) cannot think of a single psychological problem- from anxiety and depression, to fear of intimacy or of success.. that is not traced back to the problem of low self esteem”.

    He suggested the following for the purpose of increasing one’s self esteem (I will present it using the first person pronoun, with just a bit of paraphrasing):

    (1) The practice of living mindfully, being aware of what I am doing while doing it

    (2) The practice of accepting myself, owning truths regarding my thoughts, my emotions, and my behaviors, being kind to myself regarding my thoughts and emotions, being “for” myself, not against myself.

    (3) The practice of self- responsibility, owning my authorship of my actions, owning my capacity to be the cause of the effects I desire.

    (4) The practice of self assertion, treating my needs and interests with respect and of expressing them in appropriate ways.

    (5) The practice of living purposefully, formulating goals and action plans to achieve them.

    (6) The practice of personal integrity, maintaining alignment between my behaviors and  my convictions.

    I wish you well, Adelaide!

    anita
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