Dear Nichole:

Good to read from you two months and eight days since you last posted. Not good to read that you are not well, still in “a state of intense fear for a long time”, with “periods of numbing, forgetting and confusion. A lot of pain and anger”, hating yourself and sad, cannot even choose what is for dinner without having a panic attack”.

Regarding the chocolate-supermarket imagery, the chocolate representing the love you didn’t experience as a child, and the supermarket representing your family of origin, I suggested to you in that imagery-post that the practical aspect of the imagery would be”getting on psychiatric medications that will work for you.. working with one good psychiatrist”. I suggested that at the time because for a long, long time, you expressed severe anxiety and panic attacks, and insomnia and lots of suffering, and you had this pattern where you started this or that psychiatric medication and stopped, started another and stopped. You also spent a lot of money on (non-drugs) trauma therapy but it didn’t help you.

In your recent post, you didn’t mention that you are under the care of a responsible psychiatrist who works with you for your benefit. What you did share is that you looked for chocolate in Florida but you feel worse than you felt living in Chicago. You wrote that you feel like you have a “sign on my forehead that says treat me bad”, that you didn’t find your “new supermarket” in Florida, and you asked: “Why do I continue having the same bad experiences. Why do so many people hurt me?”

I don’t know, Nichole. I do know that I wish it wasn’t so. I wish you didn’t continue having the same bad experiences. But what can I do about it. A long time ago we discussed you staying in my home for a while, the idea crossed my mind, I wanted to help you badly because you expressed so much suffering for so long. But I realized soon enough that it was a bad idea. What I realized then was that my home would probably be one more of “the same bad experiences” for you, and that in your mind, I would  have become one of the people you’d feel hurt by (“so many people hurt me”).

No doubt there are people in Florida who hurt other people (just like anywhere else), but no doubt there are people who perceive that they are being hurt by others when it is not true: misinterpreting facial expressions and body language, misinterpreting words said and tone of voice, etc.

Have you had contact with your family in Chicago or in Arizona all this time?

anita