Dear Zack:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. I think that seeking an on campus therapist once you go back to college is an excellent idea.

Putting together what you shared in the two posts, Ijust realized that I can very much relate to you when I think of myself when I was your age, and older: “I’ve always been an anxious sort; I worry a lot about things, and while I’ve moved past some of my self-harm tendencies, and lashing out at people, I still get very nervous easily.. .  I feel like it doesn’t really matter what I give; I could give away all my money and still nothing would change.. I’m powerless to make any meaningful difference, and I feel selfish just looking at all the things I have.. whenever I feel down, as I like being able to feel like a hero, even if it is just for a little while… I said something to myself akin to: ‘You deserve to be worried! Plenty of good people.. The least you could do is try to feel their pain!”-

– Growing up my mother was in a lot of  pain, mostly emotional, some physical, and I felt so bad for her. I was willing to do anything for her, to make her happy, but nothing I did was good enough, nothing I did helped her. I used to daydream about making her happy in all  kinds of heroic ways, being a hero.

I was very anxious, nervous, I worried a lot ( that my mother  will  die from all the pain she expressed); I felt that I was a bad person, I was angry a lot, I felt powerless to make any difference in any area; I felt selfish, like I didn’t deserve the food and clothes and toys etc., my mother gave me. I believed that I didn’t deserve to be happy, not  for as long as my mother wasn’t happy.

I wonder if you experienced something like this with any one of your parents?

anita

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