Dear Neverdyed:

I didn’t understand everything that you shared:

1. you wrote about your mother: “she’s also done that to me”, but I don’t know what “that” means.

2. You wrote: “blocking is my mother’s behaviour, she’d announce that, and it’s childish to me, also, when one blocks the other. Well, a part of me probably still want to be seen ‘mature’ like/ by the man.”- I didn’t understand these two sentences at all.

3. “but some time ago, when she ruined the atmosphere at home, I did hate that.. she just couldn’t control herself”- I don’t know what you mean by her ruining the atmosphere at home: what did she say and do that ruined the atmosphere? And in what ways did she not control herself?

4. “I don’t want to force myself to do/ believe anything, but maybe it’s the thing I have to accept; and I want to keep the naïve me, but I must put on a mask to protect myself”- I can guess what you mean by this sentence, but I am not sure.

5. “I’m totally like him regarding the silent part when I’m not happy until the other breaks the ice”- I don’t know what you mean by this sentence.

I think I understand the following of what you shared in your recent post: When your parents fought, your father “was either quiet or simply left the house, and sometimes he broke things”, your mother sometimes threatened to kill herself; you don’t remember thinking of your mother as selfish or self centered when she fought with your father. You think of yourself as selfish for “not doing much for the family”, compared to your mother, who gave you that message, if I understand correctly, that she sacrificed a lot for the family, and you didn’t.

You wrote that you can be cold to people you don’t care for, that you appreciate others’ help because they don’t have to help you, and maybe you don’t feel deserving of help. In the relationship with this man, you didn’t ask him questions because you didn’t want to intrude, and you were afraid that he will not give you “fake or reluctant” answers. You shared that when in his presence, you kept many things to yourself, and when away from him, communicating via messages, you often interpreted his messages negatively, and it was tiring for him to deal with you, from time to time. And you shared that you prefer to be silent than to say mean things to people.

And now, my request for you: if you want to explain # 1- 5 to me, please do. You told me that English is not your native language, and indeed I can see that it stands in the way of me understanding some of your writings. So, please take your time to  type your thoughts, then re-read what you type before sending, correcting and editing so to make your writing clear. Take all the time that you need to do so.

anita