@Shelbyville, it’s a pleasure to have your acquaintance. You were in demand, it seems! Thank you for the compliments on my insight, it is good to know my personal shit show was worth it if it helps others  😉 You offer a lot of sound advice, yet you seem to be stuck after reading your latest post? Anything I can aid with?

@Sammy

I’m no expert but sounds like this isn’t just heartbreak but signs of depression occurring alongside, you need to PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE! You are doing yourself no favours. As Shelbyville mentioned alcohol simply numbs your emotions so you think you have better control but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Trust me, I spiralled into both alcohol and gambling addictions just to get that dopamine hit. Adding another addiction to the one you have for your ex is not the answer, it will prolong your journey. Let all those emotions pass through even if they are confronting/painful. I suggest you consult with your GP and perhaps look into some counseling/therapy. It might be an avenue worth trying because of how you are using alcohol as a crutch. I’d hate for you to spiral or hit rock bottom. It’s been 4 months, I would not be worried about where you are at, everything you are feeling currently is normal especially after 4/5 years together, you definitely are being too self-critical and not acknowledging the small victories and progress. There is no timeline and no universal method to heal from heartbreak, some people do have the ability to get over things quickly because of their own self-belief, faith/religion or because they didn’t actually open up/be fully vulnerable in the first place others like myself/ people on these forums struggle quite often because there are underlying unresolved issues from childhood or poor self-worth, etc. What you should know is with work, growth can occur. You have the ability to steer your life towards success/happiness. I’m an example despite the turns I took that life does get better if you proactively work towards goals or choices which are in your best interest.

“What’s it even like to have someone love you like you loved? What’s it like to feel special? What is a healthy relationship?”

Ah, Sammy, I can see you are low and it saddens me you feel unloved but you are loved by just looking at the family you’ll see they all love you unconditionally for who you are. Just because your ex, one person, didn’t choose you does that now make you unlovable? NO!

In the context of romantic relationships, let me tell you to be able to love openly and selflessly like I’m sure you did hence you felt the loss so deeply requires courage and is such a magical trait, don’t lose it.

In a healthy relationship, you’ll notice the love is the enduring kind that develops over time. When you begin to share your life with someone whom you treasure and who treasures you, you have some shared interests, goals and dreams, you always keep avenues of communication open, compromise, when you hold yourself to the highest standards of moral, ethical, physical and emotional standards because you both bring the best out of each other.

So it is incredible when someone understands you, recognises your quirks and flaws, and loves you even more. When you start admiring and loving your inner-self, then you will realise the difference of loving & being loved.

“What’s it like to feel special? “

I think for men and women it is dependent on their love language how they are made to feel special for example, I like to feel appreciated and expression of affection and love through physical touch and words. I like the odd surprise too.

It is a beautiful feeling when someone reciprocates equally and makes you feel special. If you are special to someone do not lose them. Because it’s a feeling very hard to describe and hard to obtain because a lot of people are fickle and selfish.

You feel special when you share real intimacy, people associate the word intimacy with sex but it is so much more than that. It’s about being open, sincerely wanting to understand, learn from, care for, enjoy, like, and love the person you’re with — for who they are.

Is it really better for you with your new partner or is it settling because you can’t have your ex?

Sammy, after you have been through the wars like us, if you haven’t learned what love should feel like then you need to perhaps go back for another round to know what your ex was offering is definitely not love! I’m not settling, my ex actually came back but I had grown, I walked away. When I ran into a mutual friend, she informed me that at the time my ex reached out to me she had actually just been dumped. Go figure, she thought of me as sloppy seconds still even so by then I had no desire to return. Like I mentioned once chance otherwise it is a path towards self-destruction. So yes, currently things are better with my new partner, she is understanding, communicates, and makes me feel special and loved in ways my ex never could.

Don’t lose hope in a brighter future, it is time, work and making better decisions! So step 1 – ditch the booze.