Dear anita,

Yes, I am still working in the same capacity. Currently I am in the middle of setting up and doing training workshops for our country’s first ever automatic nucleic acid extraction system that we recently established to support the COVID-19 testing expansion here. We are hoping to open the airport soon. Since a large part of our economy’s income is dependent on tourism, the government has invested in establishing brand new, state-of-the-art laboratories and testing regimens to keep control of the spread of the disease whilst encouraging tourism to grow once again.

I’m in the middle of this at the moment. I still feel a baseline level of stress as in addition to this, I am also currently trying to finish up my master’s degree in molecular pathology. The research project  results and my final thesis is due soon. It is a lot to handle and I am making sure to take breaks to regroup whenever possible! However it is also fulfilling work and it has been invaluable in helping me get out of my head-space and looking at the bigger picture with relation to my emotions in the aftermath of this breakup. If there’s something that truly fulfills me as a person, it is being useful/helpful.

– “I suppose there is safety in loving a man with whom you don’t have an actual relationship, and to keep feeling love for him, as you do…?” – This part you mentioned in particular got me thinking. I’m not sure if it is about safety exactly, but more about how I want to live my life. I am not someone who easily gives up/cuts off people I truly care about. I may get angry or frustrated like the soda bottle I can be, but that does not mean that I will not fulfill my duties as I see fit towards them. I believe this is a pattern I have fallen into from when I was younger. My father left my family around 10 years back, and did so leaving us with no source of income to the family. My mother was the person who, through sheer willpower and determination, pulled us through, gave my sister and I an education and helped us through life, despite the pressure and emotional struggles she faced as a result of my father leaving. It was during this period that I grew to accepted my role and started working towards supporting my family.

I have reached a good place now and we are no longer in financial difficulties as I was able step in to support my mother and sister. Through my own personal journey, I was the only one who was able to forgive my father for leaving us for another woman. I decided to let go of all my anger, practice acceptance and focus on what I could do in the present. I visited him where he lived abroad and met his new family as well. I was able to tell him that although I had no control over whatever issues he and my mother faced in their marriage, what he did was wrong as at the very least if he was not able to be a good husband, he could have tried to be a good father to his children. His decision might have been less impactful if he was in a marriage without children and/or where my mother was allowed to work and develop her own career so she did not have to rely solely on him. However, what he did was he left and cut everyone off. I told him that I visited him as I believed it was only fair that I heard his side of the story as well. We stayed with our mother and were only privy to her side of the events that unfolded. I told him that I have accepted and will move past this, but that I would never forgive him if he did the same thing to his current family. I am now stronger and able to support my own family, however, his new family and children do not deserve the same kind of trauma that I know can occur when such a serious break in a family occurs. I was able to reach a healthy place, however this is not the case for everyone as people handle trauma differently, prime examples being my mother and sister who still harbor anger and frustration towards him.

I believe it is as a result of this that I do have issues with healthy attachment. I takes me a while to truly trust someone, but once my relationship reached a certain level of intimacy, I do tend to seek comfort and stability with the man who I let into my life. I still struggle with the concept of abandonment and not feeling adequate or enough as a person, as I was constantly told I was the reason for the family breaking up and felt very inadequate and abandoned for a long time. I believe these are the feelings that have been brought up again through my breakup and I still struggle with these emotions.

However, I also do know through experience that I eventually reach a point where I accept it and I elect to love them as just another human being, with no expectations from them. This is the path that I feel I can live with, partly because I chose to respect that the person did make me happy and cared for me for a certain time, and I don’t want to keep focusing on the wrongs a person did. In the words of Ajahn Brahm, I try to practice kindfullness and being at a place where “the door of my heart will always be open to you”
By this I understand that I will live my own life and invest in my own happiness, however if there ever comes a time where I may be able to help with something that is within my capacity, I will not turn away and will do what I can. As it stands, I believe I may have subconsciously tried to fill in the space my father left with my ex and expected that he would not cause me a similar kind of trauma. I don’t think this is healthy or a very realistic ground to be on with regards to relationships, and it tells me that I still have internal work to do so I avoid projecting my issues on a potential partner.What are your thoughts? Have you had any similar experiences and advice to give regarding this kind of thing?

Apologies for the long winded explanation! The above is what I mean by “loving a man with whom you don’t have an actual relationship”.
I’m not specifically talking about romantic love here, simply the love that I have  to share in general. I don’t think you HAVE to be in a romantic relationship with someone to care about them and extend love towards them in general, what do you think?

As always, I look forward to hearing from you,

MonaD