Thank you for your understanding, though. It feels better in terms of this subject. Constantly looking for answers or the thought that maybe someday my grief about this subject will be over after a period of pain is the wrong thing to do. I like to read about psychology and comprehend why I am like this even better but this can seem a bit dramatizing and exaggerating. At the end of this stuff, I always end up feeling sorry for myself and this doesn’t get me anywhere forward. I feel like I have to solve this ‘feeling sorry for oneself’ problem first. I also think that I got this tendency from my father since he had always found a way to see himself as the victim. It’s mesmerizing how he does it actually, he still does it with me, with the world, with my stepmother who has been like an angel to him and everyone else. It’s like a toxic superpower. I have to get better in terms of this tendency and find a way to make my boyfriend feel a bit better again.

He relapsed today and I stopped him from taking 6-7 sleeping pills. I doubt if 6-7 pills would harm him seriously but he is sleeping since I couldn’t prevent him from taking the first pill. But this started to make me feel so exhausted as well. He is afraid to harm me, upset me but he knows that he does and he feels even worse because of it. This never-ending cycle has started to suffocate both of us. I’m even thinking about talking to him about starting to use SSRI drugs again with a doctor of course. He has used lots of drugs in his childhood and teen years. It’s like he cannot stop thinking and he has such a rapid mind that I cannot even compete. I try to understand but I guess he thinks that I cannot understand him sometimes. I am a depressive person as well but he says that he cannot control himself. I’m afraid of what he is capable of.