Dear anita,

Thank you kindly for your compliments, I do appreciate them, you are very kind! I don’t particularly see them as overwhelming achievements myself, I think it is mainly as I never took much breaks or gaps while pursuing my educational and career goals and was lucky enough to receive good opportunities coming my way at critical times that I was able to act on. But I realize at this point that not having taken a gap year between studies or something similar does significantly impact the speed of advancement.

Regarding your response, I’m a little embarrassed at the extent of new information I shared haha, I understand it can be a lot to digest in one go!

It was mainly my mother who was I felt blamed me for the situation. She sometimes still does and although it greatly saddens me, I think at this point, I have grown a slightly thicker skin. I still feel it deep in my heart whenever such things are said to me, however, I have gotten a bit better at not showing how it makes me feel on the outside.
I understand that from her side, my mother went through unimaginable trauma from this event herself. I can’t begin to think of the emotional and mental struggle she would have had to go through.  She has directed blame towards both my sister and I for being the reason that her marriage broke and she was unable to achieve the goals that she had in life. It is my understanding that she felt caught between her duty to be a good mother and now feels negatively about having prioritized that over being a more attention giving and a present wife to my father. This I realized after I spoke to my father and he told me that “I’am getting older and always alone as I was abroad for most part Your mother didn’t seem to want to give me much attention as she was always so focused on you two. I felt that she only cared that I was a source of income to the family”

It is through this experience that I believe in the importance of being present and balancing all aspects of life – work and family both.

I don’t think my mother ever really healed from this and on the bad days, her hardened, hurt spirit still comes out in her sharp, unkind words.Usually these are directed towards me when it is in relation to this event or whenever I make a mistake, exhibit a flaw in my character or my judgement as an individual. I have on several occasions tried to have a discussion with her on how her handling of the situation damages my mental state, however these discussions have always ended with her not accepting that she made me feel so intensely and with her referring to me as “too sensitive and simply inexperienced with the hardships of life”.

I was also told by my mother that my father himself didn’t see much value in investing for my higher education as he believed that I don’t have the capacity to see anything I started through to the end so investing finances and energy in too much education might be a bit of a waste. I was never able to verify this particular claim as it didn’t come directly from him, but I do have a very good memory and unfortunately, many of the things that were said have stuck with me, especially from those younger years. I am continuously working on my growth to try and work through my traumas, however they do have a tendency to manifest even in my current adult years and affect my personal relationships from time to time.

I try every possible way to avoid ever going near this particular topic of conversation or, if it comes up, continuing the conversation as it inevitably gets very heated and never ends well. I understand that unfortunately, my mother’s dealing of this traumatic event has not progressed in a way that she has been able to heal, rather her hard, cruel side can come out, and I do also understand that this might very well be her defense mechanism to protect herself (pushing people away whenever she feels that she is being held accountable for something negative)

She is supportive in times when I do struggle and she has been a great strength to me as I was navigating my way through my fresh breakup.
With my sister, I believe it is more that she has not thought and broken down the situation on her own, rather she has internalized the strong emotions that came through my mother. My sister has never really directed any thoughts of believing that I was the cause for the family breaking up towards me herself, but she does get angry whenever I bringing up any discussion related to this topic that inevitably angers my mother. She attacks me to angering my mother as it might seem to her that I am putting my mother through more trauma.

We have gone through periods of negative energy, such as in February, and then things will usually return to normal once again, however there is usually a period where everyone is tense and it seems we are walking on eggshells in our home environment. The only consistency I have identified with these periods is that they usually occur whenever a casual conversation turns towards this particular topic- my father, the broken marriage, personal flaws.

As such, I now consciously try to remain silent and not engage or steer clear of this topic. Even if it comes up (ex; mother sometimes asks me if I have recently spoken to my father/ how him and his family is doing), I am quick to give very short, vague answers and shoot any further discussion down.

I hope this gives you some more insight. I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Warm regards,

MonaD

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by MonaD.