Sammy,

You can post here for as long as you like, you definitely don’t need my permission and Tiny Buddha is a sanctuary for so many people and should continue to be for anyone who feels lost and is reaching out.

I suppose I’m hesitant to say too much about my own circumstances now because of some of the posts I have read from people who are really waiting to hear that I’m living happily ever after! Trust me, I get it…people on this thread can attest to the number of times I wrote….WHEN will i feel better?!!! WILL i ever get over it! You just want some hope and i remember that feeling all too well.

But here it is. Im a work in progress. I am NOT where I was two years ago when I first began posting here and I’m NOT where I was last May/June when the ex finished it for the last time. So in that sense…..everyone who said it is correct….’this too shall pass’. But I’m acutely aware that no matter who said that to me at the time, it didn’t touch my heart, it just didn’t sink in, so you don’t have to believe me now. But one day in the future, you will look back and have an ‘Aha’ moment and realise that these dark moments you’re in now, have indeed passed. It may take time and it may take work, but life is something that by its very nature will not allow us to stay stagnant. We will be moved on one way or another.

So, I’m grateful for where I’m at now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have anxiety. Man the anxiety kicks my ass sometimes! And it’s always in my stomach! I don’t sleep and my tummy just heaves, no matter how many meditations I do that day. But lately what I’ve been trying to do is question everything. Question myself. My anxiety, my body, my heart is telling me something and I think it’s about time I listened. So sometimes, I’ll ask myself a couple of questions and begin journalling from there.

Can I just say….you are enough Sammy. You have always been enough. I could not be told that either when my ex left me, I fundamentally saw it as a reflection of me not being good enough, not being cool enough, not being sexy enough, not being aloof enough. Hard to not think that if you have low self worth anyway, so don’t be mad at yourself for feeling that way, but just because you feel like that, it does not mean its true. Your ex was his own person, with his own life experiences and conditioning which got him to the place he was when he ended it, same as you had your own life experiences and conditioning that made you the person you are. Just because he was not able to be the person you wanted him to be, that is a separate issue to who you are. He couldn’t do it not BECAUSE of you, he couldn’t do it DESPITE you being so incredible. Ask yourself, what exactly did you have, what were you not enough at, that you failed the relationship test set by your ex? Tell me the reasons you think he decided ‘you were not good enough’.

I would suggest as a starter towards healing to drop the inner critic. I know you won’t want to. It’s habitual. She/He won’t like it…inner critics can be right biatches, they rebel when you don’t follow their usual rules. But I named mine….Martha…she’s a little pain, but I acknowledge her when she’s there. In some warped way, she was and has been trying to protect me, but I try nowadays not to be so harsh on myself. Yeah I took longer that would have been ideal to start seeing improvement, yeah I still am super emotional and sensitive, yeah i went back to my ex a THIRD time!!! But all of that was part of my journey and getting cross with myself for not being where people wanted me to be only shoved me in to a shame spiral. For me that resulted in pain, I often felt physical pain in my stomach or wherever because i was trying not to be me. Perhaps for you, it’s being channeled through alcohol. But perhaps there is a brighter way for you. A different way to help heal yourself? Tim has some sage and insightful advice which I feel is so worthwhile to you also, because he’s been through the firepit and is out the other side.

Lucie…I think it was yourself who asked about how I’m doing now….do you mean in relation to anxiety? Well if so, then I’m doing okay. Better. Let’s be honest, anxiety is not fun. It feels horrendous. It has been horrendous and as you may have read I still struggle with sleepless nights and panic attacks. The difference now I guess, is that, I’m not as frightened of it. When it first happened I honestly thought I would be committed, that it would overrun my mind and body and I’d be trapped forever in a spiral. That has changed, anxiety is frightening but I no longer think it will be the end of me. So maybe that tiny shift in my mindset has been enough to keep my from the brink recently with anxiety attacks. It might be hard, it might be scary, but it will NOT destroy me, even if it wants me to believe it will. Therapy has helped me, but honestly….I lost my job in March so wasn’t in a financial position either to see my therapist for months there during quarantine. In those instances, I reached out, mostly to my sister, who did the best she could, which was enough to help me feel less alone, I also read a lot of blogs and followed people I admire online and took part in free webinars or sessions and those things helped open up my perspective enough bit by bit to introduce some new self awareness or insight which I feel is really helping me grow. There is hope. Now.

@kkasxo

Oooffff…what do I mean by change?! Well like i mentioned to Sammy above I’m half afraid to elaborate on my story too much because I might disappoint posters here who want the happy ever after ya know?! But I guess there is hope now. That’s new! You know how I do love an old wallow session of despair heehee! But basically my job I started at the beginning of this crazy ride we’re on right now with coronoavirus, has gone. It’s not likely to return anytime soon so I’m diversifying. I picked up some freelance work in my old career field which kept me going a little throughout quarantine etc. The out of boredom I applied for a couple of jobs in the big city and am proceeding through the processes there. I hadn’t really put too much thought into those, but I got called for interviews anyway and then second interviews etc, so it’s all moving faster than I expected and I’m anxious anxious anxious because it’s a lot of change and a move away from everyone and everything I know. So I’m not sure if I’m afraid to get the job/jobs or I’m afraid not to! Change is scary.

The guy who I started and stopped something with last year is still very much in my life. He’s a really good friend. I mean…..there have been times over the past few months, where I wondered do I feel more for him, but he’s a little flaky and would let me down from time to time, so i figured her’s not the one for me. Also quarantine has a lot to answer for….people get bored and it amplifies feelings that you might not have otherwise have had. But we’re in an okay place now, being friends and hanging out as friends once in a while. The lines have been drawn and I’m good with that.

On the advice of friends and the fear that I would NEVER get over my ex, I joined a dating website/app….whatever you call it, gosh I’m so old and not used to this! Anyway, talk about the spiral of absolute hurt, betrayal, confusion and upset I went through in the past couple of months, when my ex came up as a suggestion on the dating app. Yep. So that happened. At least if a mugger every decides to karate kick me in the stomach and knock me to the ground some day, I well I’m now well-prepared for the ordeal! Needless to say, that on top of all the change regarding work etc, I was not sleeping at all. The anxiety is real.

However since then it’s settled down a bit. I’m making better progress, my therapist says he’s proud of me and was finally glad i was at long last developing some real anger towards my ex!! haha! So at the moment whats happening? Well I’m kinda seeing two guys….I know right…who even am I?!! It’s all very new and honestly, who knows…it could be a way of distracting myself, I don’t know, but for now….it is what it is! Oh there has been a situation with an older male neighbour too which has caused me extreme anguish of late and actually not feeling safe in my own home….so yeah….that’s been me! Anyone reading this can most assuredly now know that I did not leave this forum because of any posters!!! I literally had a head that was about to explode is all!

You definitely sound like you’re in a much stronger place. I don’t believe you made a mistake getting back with Mr.A. That was a a decision you needed to make at that time in your life. We make the best decisions we are capable of at any given time. I feel you were on the brink, really struggling and you saw a way of helping make it through, survival instinct kicked in and you found the route to help you survive, so well done you. You’re more resilient than you think. That decision got you to here right? Okay, as you said maybe not happiness, but in a FAR better place that you were previously, so as long as I have @kkasso to chat to because of decisions she made involving Mr. A, then I’m grateful for those decisions! The rest will come, I think we will get to the point that is out of survival mode, and once we have a bit of strength and grounded ourselves a little, then perhaps we can move to the next phase, actually figuring out what will make us happy and making decisions accordingly!

I’m grateful for you and our journey together! 🙂