@Tim, thank you for continuing to motivate me, you give me hope there are some good men out there at least. I have definitely got my self into knots but with some guidance and virtue, I’m hoping to untie them all. I’m tired of everyday feeling like a drag, effectively wishing my life away. I have definitely gone backward and can’t pin down why? I think I need to go back to my roots and seek solace there because during the pandemic the faith kept me going. Yesterday I had a visit from my best friend who you may have read about in my earlier posts. She is very much like yourself, very perceptive and insightful, she has a psychology background and I guess your therapy has made you very clued up too. I think it is admirable that you are trying to help others when your initial post was seeking help about being rusty! I’m glad you stuck around because you have been a great support to me.

I think the buddy idea sounds fab, over the past few days I have reduced my units. I now wait until midday to drink…can I toast to that? Progress?

Tim, I do want the loving long term relationship, I’m aware enough to know that I need time to work on me and getting into casual relationships for me would take me away from working on the issues I am burying and only set me back. For me, it would just be a total waste of time as I want something meaningful. I probably with the issues I have, be a blubbering mess even kissing a new man. I guess with men it is different you tend to do this when hurting so it makes sense why you did even though you regret it

I’ll keep you posted on, by the way, I have noticed I have been making digs at men, you are outnumbered on here but I want to say I am grateful for you perspective!  Sorry if you get caught in the broad strokes!

@shelbyville,Wow! I mean with all that going on I’m shocked your head didn’t explode. You made it through!! You sound so positive now, that is so encouraging. I think you have begun to progress towards feeling more fulfilled. I don’t believe in happy endings anymore either, stupid fairytales! I’m sorry for adding any pressure, I guess in a way it is pinning hope, if this person who is so great and suffered so much, gets back up and starts to see the light then I can too. I was looking to you for inspiration, a bit selfish to want you to hurry to a good place. Tim is right, it is your journey.

Did you always suffer anxiety or was it a result of the ex?

Shelby, you are already showing so much more resilience, after coming across your ex on the app considering he claimed to be happier alone, you appear to have handled it well, you didn’t act out of desperation and beg or even confront him. I would be tempted to do that in your circumstances. Tim, I would have screamed your inner voice too! I don’t think seeing my ex with someone new would hurt though, I kind of feel he probably already is. He is a man, they are so thirsty! Sorry TIM! What would hurt is if he committed/proposed to someone, I hope I’m not still in this mess if/when that happens!

Shelby thinking back the way you would describe him and how he made you feel like the ground you walk on was golden etc gave us all pangs of jealousy and I remember thinking you were lucky to connect and someone makes you feel that way, you yourself described it as incredible. So yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if you caught feelings, I also recall you wanted from him things you wouldn’t expect of a friend but more of a bf, do you think Tim’s observation may have legs? You may be acting out of fear because of the way you described this friend to us he didn’t sound like a flaky person. Flaky is my ex telling me he is going to meet me after work for a date night I took weeks organizing and then him going to watch the footie with his mates, not bothering to call or text me. Yet I thought he would change?! I feel so pathetic sometimes!

You asked me for reasons you think he decided I was not good enough;
I guess I will never know, but I tried in every way I could to make him happy but it never was enough. Over the years it wore me down, when he would disappoint me in a substantial way like not turning up for our date night or forgetting to buy me a gift for my birthday/spoiling me like my friend’s significant others would, this made me feel shit when others would call him out, by the end I was making excuses, justifying his behavior and accepting that because I thought that was all I was worth. Maybe he thought I was boring, maybe he lost attraction or I wasn’t smart enough, I just felt despite giving all of me he still didn’t love me enough to commit. So now I feel unlovable. I feel like everything I did over the course of time we were together he chose the odd moments where I wasn’t there for him in the exact way he needed and then made a decision that impacted the whole of our lives, how is that fair when I was so selfless with him? My friend said he was someone who refused to fully accept me because it was easier to make me think something was wrong with me than it is was for him to be vulnerable and human and open to the idea of being hurt if he gave his all too. This makes sense but doesn’t change how I feel about myself, I sometimes cry about how I allowed myself to be treated, which makes me feel even more worthless. It is just a shitty cycle and I desire to be hugged and made to feel loved, alive and it is such a strong feeling I end up drinking more to quell that loneliness.

So that is where I’m at :((