Dear Meshga94

Hope you are safe.

When I read your thread, I realised that I could relate to the feelings, relate to the pain that you are going through. You are not alone.

Puberty, is probably one of the toughest times for someone, especially mentally. It’s the age where we strengthen our beliefs and also are easily influenced by what we see around us.

As anita rightly mentioned, it would be helpful to define what worth means for you, and what factors do you use to measure your self worth.

You mentioned that you like talking to people at the same socioeconomical level as you, and that’s okay. We all feel comfortable around people who understand us, and we can relate to.

And I understand your need for love. All of us crave connection, and warmth. (Personally, I do understand your frustration relating to the love department and being burnt out pretty fast.)

What I can also see that your own feelings for yourself are making you afraid of forming true connections, and pushing people away. I have been in your place, and I still struggle with it sometimes. I’m here to say that it’s okay. It’s really okay to feel all those feelings and express them, as you did in this post.

You talked about the third person, who was more interested in talking to your friend. I hear you. But at the same time, it’s important to know and understand and reflect if the third person knew your friend, or if it was a stranger. And why was it, that the third person made you change your feelings towards your friend?

I think anita has beautifully articulated some points, I will just ask you a few more questions.

Why do you feel this way? What feelings arise in you when you feel this way? What sensations do you feel in your body?

They might be uncomfortable and painful. Accept them. If you feel guilty for having these unpleasant emotions and hatred, you will cause yourself even more pain. We are humans, and our humanness makes us vulnerable to hate our own selves. It is understandable, and it is okay. But if you are not replenishing this hatred with love, your mind will slowly grow tired.

What makes you feel good about yourself?

I know it’s hard, considering the circumstances, but even if it’s something as simple as how your laugh sounds, I think this will help you form a better relationship with yourself.

You know yourself the best. You know what you need. You need love, and you will find it in the simplest of things. Hatred can’t exist without love. Don’t deny yourself the love you deserve.

I’m not a professional, and I would certainly ask you to explore your beliefs and values with the help of one, to be able to navigate through these complicated feelings a bit better.