July 5, 2020 at 7:24 am #360555Meshga94Participant
Hey there. First of all, I am glad to have found this sub while looking for a way to put out the hatred I carry, especially recently. I am a second year university student (just to give a bit of info). Ever since I hit puberty I’ve had this obsession that whenever I hang out with someone or whenever I am friends with someone, whoever they might be, if they are better than me in a visible way, be it looks, relationships, money or academical success and so forth, I feel worthless and I don’t want to see them anymore. When I was little, I never thought it was a good idea to hang out with admirable people as in with the most popular kid in my class but still, I didn’t feel this much uncomfortable. Recently, an event occurred that made me so mad at the world for not giving me love in return when I did so. I was talking to a friend of mine, who has worse academical success, arguably better looks and the same level of poverty. I think I have established by now that I like talking to people at the same socioeconomical level with me or otherwise I cannot relate to anything they say. Anyway, I was talking to him about how I recently found out that I need love in my life, and that I can’t go on hating everything forever. I told to him that I needed to put out this hatred and I wanted someone who I loved to give me love in return. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how I need to a combination of push and pull strategies in order to build a relationship with someone…I just wanted to show them love and wanted to be shown in return. Now there have been people who admitted to love me, with whom I wasn’t in love. And the people I love don’t have any interest in me whatsoever. I slowly understood that this is pretty normal, given how antisocial I am. I said to myself, “I am broke, I don’t look good and I don’t want to improve, because I know that the more I improve, the more I will be unsatisfied and then go on an egoistical pursuit to be better until I die.”. Now I don’t know if this “true” in the objective sense, but I believe it to be so because whenever I try to do anything, I never get joy out of it, just a keen sense of trying to be the best as soon as possible, and I generally burn out pretty fast. Back to that friend of mine, he said he understood what I was saying and said that love is a crucial part of survival for many people. I couldn’t agree more, given how broken down I was and just in need of love and affection. Then there was this person we met while we were out, and that person was visibly more interested in talking to my friend rather than me. This wouldn’t even phase me if it were a few years ago when I didn’t have such low confidence or if it weren’t the only person in my life that I thought I could completely relate to. I felt so worthless and some time later, left there saying I needed to go take an online exam at home. Obviously I was lying. By the time I got home, I wanted to destroy everything in the house. I just couldn’t grasp how I could keep losing at nearly every aspect of my life other than the fact that I go to a somewhat prestigious public university. Now fast forward to this day, I haven’t talked to that friend for about a week. I can’t understand any reaction that happens inside me anymore. Why am I feeling this way? Am I jealous of everyone? If not, what is this called? How can I fix it? Is it “worth” to fix it? I need your help and guidance.July 5, 2020 at 10:33 am #360700anitaParticipant
You shared that ever since you hit puberty, whenever you hang out with someone who looks better than you, has more money than you, is academically more successful than you, etc., you feel worthless and you “don’t want to see them anymore”.
You recently shared with a friend that you need love in your life, that you “can’t go on hating everything forever”, that you need to put away this hatred and have someone in your life to love and be loved in return. The two of you had a conversation. Next, the two of you were joined by a third person who was visibly more interested in talking to your friend than to you. You “felt so worthless“, excused yourself and went home. You didnt talk to your friend for about a week.
“Why am I feeling this way? Am I jealous of everyone? If not, what is it called? How can I fix it? Is it ‘worth’ to fix it?”
My answers at this point:
“Why am I feeling this way?”- because you believe that you are worth less than other people. It is a great injury to oneself, to believe such a thing. We need a sense of justice in our lives, and justice means that all people are equally worthy. When you believe you are worth less than others, it is an injustice and an injury, it hurts and it makes you angry.
“Am I jealous of everyone?”- you are jealous of everyone at the moment you feel that you are less worthy than that person. It doesn’t take much for that moment to arrive because it takes only one factor in that person that is superior to you. For example, you may be more educated than another, have more money, look better overall, but the other person has a .. better looking nose than you. It may be a silly example, but I hope you get my point.
“Is it ‘worth’ to fix it?”-yes, because not fixing it means a lifetime of pain and misery (even if you graduate from a prestigious university and get a high paying job, etc.)
“How can I fix it?”- the place to start may be in your defining the related terms human worth and worthless?
July 5, 2020 at 12:27 pm #360703patricaParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
I can feel you because I felt the same once upon a time. It is the worst feeling in the world. You ar not jealous of them. Mainly you have a lack of self-confidence. Meditation can be helpful for you. Meditation helps to remove these types of perception from you. you can check out this article to learn more : https://superwellnessblog.net/reasons-to-meditate-in-the-morning/
you can find many more articles that will help to change your mentality and boost your self-confidence.August 11, 2020 at 6:21 am #364421SParticipant
Hope you are safe.
When I read your thread, I realised that I could relate to the feelings, relate to the pain that you are going through. You are not alone.
Puberty, is probably one of the toughest times for someone, especially mentally. It’s the age where we strengthen our beliefs and also are easily influenced by what we see around us.
As anita rightly mentioned, it would be helpful to define what worth means for you, and what factors do you use to measure your self worth.
You mentioned that you like talking to people at the same socioeconomical level as you, and that’s okay. We all feel comfortable around people who understand us, and we can relate to.
And I understand your need for love. All of us crave connection, and warmth. (Personally, I do understand your frustration relating to the love department and being burnt out pretty fast.)
What I can also see that your own feelings for yourself are making you afraid of forming true connections, and pushing people away. I have been in your place, and I still struggle with it sometimes. I’m here to say that it’s okay. It’s really okay to feel all those feelings and express them, as you did in this post.
You talked about the third person, who was more interested in talking to your friend. I hear you. But at the same time, it’s important to know and understand and reflect if the third person knew your friend, or if it was a stranger. And why was it, that the third person made you change your feelings towards your friend?
I think anita has beautifully articulated some points, I will just ask you a few more questions.
Why do you feel this way? What feelings arise in you when you feel this way? What sensations do you feel in your body?
They might be uncomfortable and painful. Accept them. If you feel guilty for having these unpleasant emotions and hatred, you will cause yourself even more pain. We are humans, and our humanness makes us vulnerable to hate our own selves. It is understandable, and it is okay. But if you are not replenishing this hatred with love, your mind will slowly grow tired.
What makes you feel good about yourself?
I know it’s hard, considering the circumstances, but even if it’s something as simple as how your laugh sounds, I think this will help you form a better relationship with yourself.
You know yourself the best. You know what you need. You need love, and you will find it in the simplest of things. Hatred can’t exist without love. Don’t deny yourself the love you deserve.
I’m not a professional, and I would certainly ask you to explore your beliefs and values with the help of one, to be able to navigate through these complicated feelings a bit better.