@Kkasxo – Haha, I feel the same at times, the pain I could have avoided if I had some sound neutral female advice to navigate the ex! You are welcome to use and abuse my assistance anytime! You seem to have turned a major corner, so kudos to you!

@Lucie – My offer still stands, I am of the opinion we should always give back. So I’m happy to cut into my sessions to ask any hypotheticals. @Kkasxo has given you some excellent insight there, I hope it helps and any other guidance required do ask. Without you having touched upon any of your story/ background, I will give you a few answers to your question, you can then assess which one best fits your circumstances.

If someone hurt you can you really trust or be close to someone again?

Trust is broken when a partner puts their own needs and desires ahead of what’s best for your relationship. Trust is also damaged when partners break their promises or violate important expectations. It takes a lot of work to regain trust and in certain circumstances once broken it is irreparable so trying to repair it will do you damage such as;

Scenario 1: TOXIC relationship – manipulation, gaslighting, stonewalling (these are all forms of emotional abuse), and/or physical abuse.

Once you have been exposed to this or seen any red flags indicating a partner has these toxic tendencies, walk away, block, and never look back for your own sanity. This is easier said than done because toxic relationships by their very nature leave your self-esteem decimated and believing you’ll never be able to start fresh again or this is all you are worthy of, so you keep going back to a person who continues to abuse your trust. With healing and growth, you can let go, I have done it and countless others. It takes willpower and courage. With physical violence, if the situation has escalated and you feel it is dangerous to remove yourself immediately, seek help to create a safety plan through domestic abuse channels/law enforcement.

Scenario 2: Cheating

Any partner who cheats has issues such as dissatisfaction emotionally/ low self-esteem./sex addiction, etc – instead of communicating to resolve it with their partner they cheat without even contemplating the impact of their action. Cheats are emotionally stunted. Again leave, and walk away for good, very few undergo therapy/rehab/growth so most will continue to hurt if you stay, they will do it again because you have now become complicit to their behavior. You have indicated how far they can push the boundaries and you will still be willing to return. Again, when you walk away initially you will blame yourself, but it will be the best thing for your own emotional health.

Sometimes it is US. We feel hurt eg; 

Scenario 3: Feeling hurt due to High Expectations, Control issues, Fears or Baggage

Now with this scenario, it is possible to feel hurt but remain close to your partner by working on yourself. Sometimes in life, we have baggage, fears, high/unrealistic (key killer) expectations,  and a lack of empathy for our partners so we feel hurt by their response to a certain scenario without looking at the bigger picture – does my partner on the majority of occasions show attentiveness, love, care, selflessness, wants to nurture the relationship or work on any mistakes? If the answer is yes, the reason you are feeling let down is YOU. The simplest solution to resolving this is introspection and communication. An example, my current partner, I felt very hurt and abandoned when she walked away, but it was my lack of vulnerability due to past baggage, my projections, etc which led her there. To blame her for the issues and not work through it would have resulted in me losing the opportunity of having a good woman by my side. We are all humans, we will make mistakes and let one another down but in a relationship it is about balance, picking up the slack on occasion as long as overall both are committed to growing the love and relationship. Manage expectations, assess the situation from both perspectives and as long as the person has not let you down consistently in a significant way I think a reality check should be carried out to check the validity of our thoughts, to prevent throwing away a perfectly normal relationship. A good link I checked out when getting back into a new relationship as I had put up walls which were causing me to behave in ways to protect myself but having a negative impact on my connection with my partner. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/feeling-let-down.htm

You have two choices: victimisation or resiliency to any hardship in life. Support is an essential component of a healthy relationship but do not rely fully on your partner to react to your needs in an exact way(control) or begin to look for security or validation in their actions. Be resilient and self-sufficient too so when you are faced with a scenario your partner can not be 100% there for you, you do not start to self victimise and feel hurt/abandoned like I was.

Hope that helps doll.