Dear anita,

something very strange has happened. After talking with you and my therapist about K recently, he had contacted me about one week ago. Apparently he now lives at the same town again and wanted to meet me. He didn’t write much more, just that he wanted to meet me.

The message gave me mixed feelings and I was worried. But I was also happy to be able to clarify about how everything ended, as this had bothered me for a long time. So I wrote him a longer message, about how I was sorry how everything ended and apologized for my part of the problems. I asked him if that is why he wanted to meet me and what he wanted to talk about. Also, I asked him the reason for wnting to meet me.

He replied that he wanted to call me. We shortly, very shortly talked. He just said that he now lives in this town again and that I had said that he wanted a personal conversation in my message (I had not mentioned it, really). But I ended up agreeing to a meeting. When I asked if he wanted to meet for closure, he said “yeah, that too, but overall” But that was it for the phone call. He only asked me to text him back the next day to find a day for the meeting.

The next day, I only wrote a message to him that I will text him the following day, as I was feeling unsure about meeting him and wanted to discuss it all with my therapist. After talking to her, I was more sure about what I wanted. I decided I wanted to meet him for only one time, for closure. And I wrote this to him in a longer message, explaining that we are too different and have different expectations and we were never able to talk about it. But I also said that I am happy that he is doing well and that I wish the best for him. Then asked him, if he wanted to meet me one last time.

I don’t think he liked this message, as he wrote “o.K. for your message”, then asked if we wanted to meet the next day. There was no reference to my long message at all… I said we could meet and suggested a time and place. He only replied the next day, to say he was not feeling well and that we should postpone the meeting until one week later. I said it is no problem and wished him to get well soon. This was about one week ago and there has been no reply from him.

This short interaction with him was very interesting and helpful to me. For one, I am happy that I was able to apologize to him. Obviously, it was not important to him at all and he did not even say anything to it. But it made me feel relieved, as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. Also, I am happy to know that he is well and has started a new education and that he lives here, were also his friends and family live. I am relieved about that as well.

Secondly, it was interesting to have this interaction with him while I am in a much more peaceful state of mind! And this has shown me why we don’t fit together. He never responds very much if at all to my long messages that state my true feelings. I have poured my heart out to him and what comes back? He doesn’t even tell me the reason why he wants to meet me. He doesn’t seem to be interested in an open and honest conversation at all. In the past, I worried that it was all my fault, because I was very tense around him and not very open. But definitely, it is not all my fault. How can you be open to someone who doesn’t want to be open themselves? I don’t think he is even interested in understanding me. While I was and am at least interested in understanding him, even though I did not know how to make it work and of course being difficult at times.

He has not changed much, I feel. Still doesn’t tell me much about what he thinks, being sick again  (o.K., maybe he was really not feeling well, but it is always his excuse) when we wanted to meet. Not replying for days. But this time I am not having any sleepless nights over it. He was the one who contacted me, so he has to deal with the possibility that he will get a response he will not like.

My friend and I talked about it on the phone and she said: “Someone has to tell you, Lily, K is just not that deep”. And I had to laugh, also because of the way she said it. Well, I guess not everyone worries from dust till dawn about their behaviour and the past. But a little self reflection can also be helpful.

Maybe my friend is right, there are signs that he is not so “deep”. Maybe this explains everything. We are very different and I don’t really understand him. But I am understanding better now, also why I was hurting so much when I was with him. An open and honest communication is very important to me! Without it, I will have endless self doubt and suffering. There were misunderstandings between us and we were not able to talk about it. Instead we both made assumptions about each other. Next time I want to do better, if I meet someone. I am feeling more confident now in staying true to myself. And I have a feeling now that I am o.K. And some people are just not for you…

Anita, maybe you don’t approve of me having replied to him or apologizing to him. But it made me see everything a little bit clearer. I guess I can sometimes be a little bit slow to understand. This interaction with him however was helpful to me. Sometimes I had still thought about him, that I wished he was by my side. Even if I knew that this was just a fantasy and that in reality I was just longing for a happy relationship (which was not what I had with him), it was hard for me to move on.

I wonder if he will ever reply to me again, but if he does I feel I am more able to establish my boundaries now. I don’t see him as perfect anymore, he also has his flaws. I still honestly wish him well.

In response to your message above: thank you for your kind words. I feel now I am more able to move on from K and some day I might even have a healthy relationship, as you said.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Lily.