Dear Anita, thank you for your reply.

“You shared that at 23, you had your first boyfriend (22): he pursued you and told you that “he didn’t want anything serious”. You fell in love with him, perceived him as your soulmate, wanted something serious, and waited 7 years for him to change his mind. After 7 years of waiting, he broke up with you.” – I think that I perceived him like that because he was my first boyfriend. Also, I’m aware my parents didn’t agree and they divorced when I was 20, and I’m aware that I wanted a boyfriend in my life for a long time, as a kind of a “savior”. I know now that I have to “save” myself, I don’t have to look for that in other people.

“If I understand correctly, you acted distant from him, and you complained to him that he is too silent, that he should talk more, tell you what bothers him. In the last two months his “nice and patient and kind” behavior toward you changed, and he was at times quickly angered at you. He finally broke up with you, and somehow suggested to you that it was your fault that the relationship ended.” – I did change, I think that was inevitable, because of stress at work and when the initial phase of falling in love, infatuation, changed for me. However, I still cared for him a lot, and I did put him first, I never went with my friends instead of him (as he did in the end for me). I still helped him with his exams. But I couldn’t avoid that he doesn’t feel the change at all (even though I tried, a lot). And I did not complain all the time, however I noticed he doesn’t tell me and can’t communicate when he doesn’t like my behaviour. I told him, when he did that , that I wanted him to trust him and tell him, that I think that’s important for realtionship. He told me that he’s not like that and can’t do it. At the end, I realized he blamed me for a lot of stuff (some of I was guilty of but as he had not told me, I even did not have an opportunity to say I’m sorry and try to change that, and also some that I couldn’t even known because I couldn’t read his mind and know what he wants if he doesn’t tell me).

“I would love to get advice on how to break my pattern”- by pattern, you mean that you “tend to cling a bit more when a guy grows distant or cold”- – that was what happened in your first relationship. In the third, you grew distant and cold, not the guy, and in the second relationship (which you called a fling), did you cling to him? Can you better describe to me what you mean by clinging (what behaviors are clnging behaviors), and otherwise define for me what you mean by your pattern in relationships?”

my pattern as I see it:

– I chose partners that were not emotionally mature, and were not ready for next steps in relationship (meeting parents, living together), they wanted just to go out and hang out – especially my longer relationships. The last boyfriend was young, and he wanted to finish college and go out until late. First problems arose after our initial period, where my work problems and stress started, and I started to be sleepy and tired during weekend. We went on dates, and he wanted to stay in the car and be intimate after midnight , I needed a sleep and rest. He even had an appartment, but he never proposed we go there even, maybe sleep together and be intimate in the morning – he would left me home and hang out with friend. When I asked if we could go there sometimes, he said he is afraid we would stop going out and just be in apartment. I wanted both, I wanted to go out with him and wake up near him. I realized I wanted more serious relationship but he was not ready for it.

– All my relationships ended with my partners going distant and breaking up with me. Even before last relationship and now again, I feel hurt and rejected. With my last partner, I really did my best at the end, I helped him with college a lot, I gave him my laptop so he can go in the apartment and prepare in quiet, and I even went there and supported him during most of his online exams, I made that a priority. And he lately tried much more and spent much more time with his best friend than with me. Last 2 months I felt like he was bored with me and that really hurt.

– I also realized I tend to try more when I feel my partner is getting distant. Like it’s a trigger for me. I start getting anxious if he doesn’t reply on my messages, I don’t feel like going out with my friends, I just want to get it to work, if I care for him. Of course, I also try to talk with them and ask what is happening, and tell them that I want more attention than they give me at that time. Maybe I should gave him space – but I don’t want to be in a relationship when my partner wants spends more time with his friend than with me. So I tried to talk it out, be there for him, help him with his exams (i thought his exams were bothering him), but nothing I did at that time could make it work.

(Also, I don’t think I was too needy or clingy with 2nd boyfriend – fling, before the break up. I did ask him to be together after, but I don’t think I did anything wrong before that. It may be that he just realized I’m not right one for him -and I think he is right.)

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.