Rose of Yellow, thank you very much for your reply and advices.
Sadly, I really suck at writing, and I hate it… I do try to read books about mindfulness, and try to practice that. Also, a few times lately when I practiced that some reasons for my problems and answers about my last relationship just “came” to me, so it helps. When I had a kind of panic attack, I tried to just sit and look at it, like I’m observer, and some answers just came to me ( I remembered times in my past and childhood when I feel that pain came from).

Also last time when I was in pain I read this page and others books about meditation and mindfulness (I’m a big fan of Osho), but when problems stop and when I found my last boyfriend I stopped – now I plan to practice that even when I’m better and happy. Because I realized many traps of our mind rise again when the initial infatuation period stops and other problems (work, stress, family problems) arise.

“Does it feel like the guy is abandoning you and this triggers some kind of panic or anxiety so you long to get him back?” – I think in some ways it does.

“Does it feel like you are not important or valuable if you don’t have a man in your life?” – I felt that for years, and even before last relationship. Maybe not that I’m not valuable, but that I can’t be happy, or complete without that. I also thought partner is the most important part of life and I can’t be happy without him, and that if I have a partner everything will be ok. I realized with my last relationship I was wrong – even when he was lovable, and I was in love, it wasn’t perfect – first, because of my fear of being hurt again, then because problems with stress because of  work and loss of my family member. And that affected the relationship too.

Sadly, I did told him I was hurt before, and he did promise not to hurt me , and I trusted him.. and now it happened again.

Do you need approval from others to feel okay about yourself and when the man starts to disengage from you, do you think this means you aren’t okay? – Yes, I recognize that too.

Now I have better and worse days.. I really try not to let my mind wonder, and just be in the moment but it’s hard sometimes.
There are some days when I feel just fine, but I also have a problem that I can’t sleep much and I wake up every every day at 4:30 am with a pain in my chest. First days I couldn’t feel asleep again, now I can – that’s progress I guess.
I do want to have a partner in life, but this time I really want to feel happy and carefree again first, and not to wake up at 4:30 am every day (this was happening to me after last break up too, and I even had sleep problems at the beginning of new relationship because of my fear of being hurt again).

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Rhaenys.