Hi anita,

Yes, it is horribly selfish. It’s funny in a not funny sort of way: when I was a teenager and starting to find my own independence, meaning doing things for myself and not for my family, my mom called me selfish. Something as simple as getting myself something to eat after work. Then for years I felt guilty doing anything for myself. Thankfully I am trying to change that now, trying to feel okay with self care and doing things that make me happy for the sake of it. It was just her projecting onto me. I guess all of these toxic people have just been projecting on to me. Parents should love their children unconditionally. Now I get some sort of intermittent backwards approval, but it’s not unconditional. And if love isn’t unconditional it isn’t real. That doesn’t mean we always have to approve of what our loved ones do, but we should love them by always treating them with kindness and respect.

You’re right: toxic mothers say what serves them, and people who are in denial about the toxicity of their mothers say things to back them up. Flying monkeys is the term I believe. My father absolved himself of all responsibility, believing just what you wrote: go to your mother, it is her job to take care of you, not mine. But unfortunately my mother didn’t want the job either. So she tried to dump it on me. When I moved away, she dumped it on my older brother and he got glowing accolades for bending to her every will. They think providing food and shelter is enough. It isn’t enough. It’s interesting to hear you had a similar experience with your mother around internalized racism. The principles of racism and all other forms of oppression, that one human being can have power over another…it’s the same principle that exists within toxic families. It all comes down to the same toxic root.

I had forgotten until this moment, how badly I wanted my parents approval as a child. How I longed for affection from them. I remember I used to pretend to fall asleep in the car, hoping my mom or dad would then carry me into the house because they never touched me affectionately. I also remember working hard to clean the house perfectly when they were at work, hoping they would notice and be happy. But they only ever found something to criticize. I remember making a card for my mom for her birthday as a little girl. Secretly buying ingredients to make a cake to surprise her. Buying her chocolate for Christmas. But she’d only complain I was making her fat. Studying hard into the night, getting an A only for my dad to yell at me for not getting a perfect score.

Sooner or later I stopped caring what they thought. But deep down, I never stopped caring or else I would have distanced myself for good. It feels cathartic to type this out and I’m happy to hear you’re willing to support me in this thread. Thank you. I am always the one giving support, not getting it. And if I am “getting it”, it’s from someone who wants to control me. Somehow my childhood experiences have become lost the more connected I’ve been with my family. I can remember the experiences of my siblings, those are ingrained in my mind now. But not my own. Because in the context of my family I have never been first. I have never been important.

Thanks for saying that my ex was abusive. Over the years I have heard mixed messages from people I have talked to about her. My former therapist even called me rude when I intially stood up to her a few months after the breakup. She had rapidly moved on to someone else and then was still bothering me, saying the new person was just a rebound. When I told the therapist how I was confused because sometimes she would be nice, the therapist said “it doesn’t have to be all bad, you can focus on the good”. I think I spoke in my other thread about this so forgive me for repeating myself. So somehow my mind shifted from this 100% being an abusive situation to it not being so bad. I gaslighted myself, so to speak. And it’s hard to know what even happened. I blocked out a lot in my mind.

I did block her though and I am proud about that. She then went and contacted my sister and the friend I mentioned above trying to reach me by proxy. I have no idea how people can act like this. I know if she were sitting in front of me she would say it was because she loves me so much. After a fit of rage and screaming, she would say she did it because she loved me too much. Interestingly, my dad would say the same. I yell because I love you. It’s confusing to say the least. It confuses me how people punch you and then act offended when you bleed (figuratively). Am I always supposed to be someone’s punching bag?