Dear Rachel:

You are welcome. Your former therapist shared your identities but enjoyed you “being weak and depending on her.. wanted to feel powerful”- a person being of the same race, ethnic origin, religion, place of birth etc., that does not make the person empathetic toward a person of the same race etc., not at all.

What often happens when a child grows up with an aggressive parent who abuses his or her power over the child, is that the child identifies with that parent, worships that power.. and as she/he  grows up, she wants to  be in power over her own children, over anyone she can have power over. If she is a therapist, she’ll abuse her power over her clients.

For an abused child, there are only two perceivable choices: to be on top (the one who has power) or to be at the bottom (the one who  is powerless). There is no third option: to be on equal ground with another. Relationships are Win-Lose prospects:either one Wins or one Loses. The third option of Win-Win does not exist.

This dynamic exists in all races, all nationalities, all religions. So it does not surprise me that a therapist of the same race mistreated you, and your previous therapist, a white man, treated you with respect.

He made you feel respected, he was always on your side, he viewed you in an unconditional positive light- that’s love, and you “healed a lot with his help”- love heals.

On the other hand, you got worse under the care of the therapist who abused her power over you- it was after all, a Win-Lose relationship: she won, you lost.

“Love is misused all the time”- love is misrepresented, for example, saying things like: I yell at you because I love you, I am hurting you because I love you, etc.

“Love is respect at all time”- I very much agree, I couldn’t say it better.

“Love is caring for someone at the same level”- no one is on top, so to  speak, no one is at the bottom. Both win. I like everything else you wrote about love, you express yourself so very well, I am genuinely impressed.

“People say we shouldn’t judge that we should forgive”- depending on the context. A person in an abusive relationship should judge the abuser and should not forgive while still being abused in any way, shape or form. Staying in an abusive relationship, be it with a parent, a sibling, anyone, does “keep us chained to  suffering”, your words.

“Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think, who are you? It’s hard to feel like a ghost”- do you see a person still chained to suffering(?)

Regarding your most recent post: it is believable to me that your former therapist was abusive to her ex girlfriend. She told you that they “triggered each other”-may mean that they had that Win-Lose relationship, one had to Lose for the other one to Win, no even ground, no win-win. A Win-Lose therapist is a very bad therapist, how unfortunate for you.

I will be back to the computer in about 15 hours from now.

anita